1/18/2007

Here, Read This Shit.

A thousand and one pardons for not posting on the ol' blog lately. I've been literally swamped all week, and this is the first chance I've had to catch my breath. Here's an update:


Sunday: I drove out to L.A. and beat the living shit out of Rosie O'Donnell. I must admit, that dyke put up quite a fight...and I have the bumps and bruises to prove it. But let's just say I don't think we'll be hearing from her for quite some time. Afterwards, I flew to N.Y. and celebrated with Donald Trump. He even let me try on his hairpiece - super cool! I'm thinking about getting one for myself, even though I have a full head of hair.

Monday: I defecated. I'm sure this seems like a pretty trivial event to you. But if you're chronically constipated like I am, every bowel movement is like a gift from Heaven. I like to make a party out of it - hang some crepe paper, make finger sandwiches, invite over a few close friends. McFatty brought his karaoke machine and stopped the show with his haunting rendition of Desperado. I'm not afraid to tell you, I wept openly.

Tuesday: I had to take care of an unplanned pregnancy. It came as quite a surprise, as I always use protection. But last week, the stupid bitch went out and bought the generic store brand plastic wrap. Well, you get what you pay for. So I found a rusty wire coathanger in my closet and took matters into my own hands. A word to the wise: I'd avoid the alley behind the A & P on Route 5 for a few weeks.

Wednesday: I picked up season 6 of Gilmore Girls on DVD. 'Nuff said.

Thursday: I was abducted by illegal aliens. The incident took place in a 7-Eleven parking lot. I was walking out of the store with my Slim Jim and my 20 lottery tickets minding my own business when an unmarked van pulled up beside me. Before I had time to react, a herd of spics in landscaping attire piled out and grabbed me. Much of what followed is a blur, but to answer the question on everyone's mind...YES, I was. With the business end of a leaf blower. Three times. And it hurt like a sumbitch. I've been sitting on Ms. Babble's pillow all day. (Note to Ms. Babble: You might want to let the pillow air out for a while before sleeping on it tonight. I had Cabana tacos for lunch.)


Damn, I'm pooped. Goodnight all.

20 comments:

~ Stacy ~ said...

LMAO! Oh damn! You totally got me with the illegal alien abduction bit.

You are so clever. ;)

Anonymous said...

ya, you're clever...and sick as all get out! ;)

The alley behind the a & P?!!! Sick, man! Just sick!

Anonymous said...

Nobody said that you have to wear a hairpiece on you head.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Stacy - Why thank you! I'll be probing you next...

Beth - Aww come on. It was double coupon day.

TFG - Where else would I...Oh, never mind.

Anonymous said...

Wednesday was easily the worst day of the week. ;)

Steve~

~ Stacy ~ said...

Oooh, I'm so excited!

Wait.

No wire coat hangers, leaf blowers, or Gilmore Girls DVD's allowed. Okay?

But you can bring your Slim Jim.

jmeped said...

Did you at least remove the dry cleaner paper from the hanger first?

the dude said...

I'm sorry but buying a Gilmore Girls DVD is worse in my eyes than a coat hanger abortion.

Although if the only reason you bought it was to put it on mute and look at Lauren Graham then I can respect you a little bit.

Anonymous said...

Clowns and Gilmore girls - no wonder you were busy!

Anonymous said...

Clowns and Gilmore girls - no wonder you were busy!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Steven - Don't be dissin' my Girls!

Stacy - OK, but it's not really that slim...

Jmeped - Of course! I used it to wipe the blood off my hands.

Dud - Actually I'm more of an Alexis Bledel fan.

Bacon Eggar - Double commenting on my blog will not be tolerated. This is your final warning.

karla said...

Thank God you took a break from humping my poor, beleaguered pillow to write this post. It gave me a chance to spray some Febreeze on it and poke a few stickpins through it, pointy end up.

Crashtest Comic said...

I thought this was a porn site.

I was spanking it raw until I saw that picture of Rosie.

So close...so close...

Anonymous said...

Guess the slim jim didn't get to you and you didn't win the lottery?

Cranky Clown!

Anonymous said...

I bet you were fisted in your ass by those landscaping spicks in the back of that van. I was downloading Japanese porn from limewire and saw a bukkake film of a girl that looked alot like you.
Desparado fucking sucks dude. You have to be at least sixty years old to enjoy that California hippy country valley rock bullshit. Or gay.

Anonymous said...

I bet you were fisted in your ass by those landscaping spicks in the back of that van. I was downloading Japanese porn from limewire and saw a bukkake film of a girl that looked alot like you.
Desparado fucking sucks dude. You have to be at least sixty years old to enjoy that California hippy country valley rock bullshit. Or gay.

Word verification--> mrqty

Anonymous said...

Old blogger sucks for that reason. Myspace crashes less than this shit

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Ms. Babble - Thanks for the stickpins. They popped the zits on my ass.

CTC - Yeah, just the thought of Rosie will make it shrivel up like a stack of dimes.

Bisteck - Limewire, eh?? Enjoy your spyware and popup ads, sucker. And Old Blogger refuses to invite me to New Blogger.

Anonymous said...

Nice CSS.

blog Portland said...

Why didn't you mention how I dried your tears and raised the "hell ya!" quotient with some Dead or Alive? There's no shame in loving Bon Jovi.