1/06/2007

FuckShitGoddammit!

Dumbass motherfucking cops, why can't they LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE??!! Over TWO YEARS I've gone now without getting a fucking speeding ticket. TWO GODDAMN YEARS, you hear me??! Finally I had ZERO POINTS on my fucking driving record...now that's all SHOT TO HELL thanks to OFFICER LUGNUT and his magic radar gun.

So I'm on my way to work Friday morning, just minding my own business. I've been taking a different route lately because the old route took me on the interstate, and every damn day that fucker is clogged with MOUTH-BREATHING RETARDS who apparently obtained their licenses from CRACKER JACKS BOXES.

Now this new route takes me right past a fucking SCHOOL ZONE every fucking morning right when all the little SNOT NOSED BRATS are arriving. But they don't ride the bus, mind you. Nor do they walk...even if they live a whopping THREE YARDS from the school. These little angels are far too precious for that. Instead, their SNOBBY, ARROGANT, ELITIST PARENTS must DRIVE THEM ALL TO SCHOOL, thus forming a line of SUV'S and MINIVANS leading all the way out the parking lot and INTO THE TWO-LANE ROAD, where they SELFISHLY BLOCK THE PATH OF THRU TRAFFIC ( i.e. people who didn't SLEEP THROUGH the high school P.E. teacher's lecture on BIRTH CONTROL).

Did I mention that this is a PERFECTLY NICE NEIGHBORHOOD with a LOW CRIME RATE??* And did I mention that the school buses are all LATE MODEL units that are FULLY EQUIPPED with EVERY GODDAMN UNNECESSARY SAFETY FEATURE that the PARANOID SCHOOL BOARD could come up with???** Christ, when I was in school, I rode that stinking cheese wagon EACH AND EVERY FUCKING DAY, inhaling NOXIOUS DIESEL FUMES and BURNING OIL the entire time...and LOOK AT HOW I TURNED OUT!!!*** We're raising a whole generation of SELF-CENTERED, PUSSY-ASS FAIRIES with absolutely NO COMPREHENSION of HOW TO SURVIVE in today's world.

Anyway, what the hell was I talking about?? Oh yeah the speeding ticket.

So I'm stuck behind this CARAVAN OF COCKSUCKERS who are trying to make a left turn into the school parking lot. I sit and I wait. And I wait and I wait and I wait. Finally, I see an opportunity to pass via a small opening on the right. Sure, it requires me to JUMP A CURB, CRAWL THROUGH A DITCH, and PLOW THROUGH SOMEONE'S FRONT YARD...but fuck it, that's what Jeeps are made for! I proceed.

Now that I'm finally around this PARADE OF OVERPROTECTIVE PARENT PUSSIES, I realize I'm late for work. Fuck that shit, I'm not going to stain my otherwise PERFECT WORK RECORD because little Johnny Gameboy can't GROW A SACK and WALK HIS ASS to school. I jam my foot on the gas.

Keep in mind at this point I am PAST THE SCHOOL, but not quite out of the official "school zone," which apparently extends a good TEN MILES beyond the school in all directions. So the speed limit is still a mere 25 mph. WHY, I ask??? The kids certainly aren't walking by the road, they're in their parents' damn SUBARU OUTBACK SHITWAGONS. So I say fuck the posted speed limit - stupid laws are meant to be broken.

And that's just what I told Officer Dipstick when he pulled me over.....

Officer: You have any idea why I stopped you?
Dyck: Because you're a GOVERNMENT PUPPET trying to make money for CROOKED POLITICIANS by meeting some ARBITRARY TICKET QUOTA.
Officer: I clocked you going 38 in a 25mph zone.
Dyck: Oh how horrible. God forbid ANYONE actually GET WHERE THEY'RE GOING in a DECENT AMOUNT OF TIME.
Officer: How is your driving record?
Dyck: NONE of your FUCKING BUSINESS, Barney Fife. Now why don't you scurry back to your PIECE OF SHIT Crown Vic and shine your badge?
Officer: I'm going to have to write you a summons.
Dyck: You do that. I was getting low on toilet paper anyway. Congratulations on contributing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to solving the underlying problem here - that being STUPID, INCONSIDERATE DRIVERS who have NO BUSINESS BEHIND A WHEEL.
(Officer Butthead takes 20 minutes to fill in five blanks on a form.)
Officer: Sign here.
Dyck: FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING FARTING ROBOT! SUCK MY DEAD PIG!!!!


Now one of you idiots needs to come down here with a thousand bucks and bail me out. And HURRY THE FUCK UP. I don't like the way my roommate is looking at me.....




* OK, so there was ONE LOUSY KIDNAPPING on the playground last year. Big fucking deal. Besides, the family had closure. They found the kid's body like a month later. What more do you want??!

** I love this school bus safety bullshit. Blinkers, flashers, strobe lights, padded everything...and yet they're all driven by 70-YEAR-OLD BATS with CATARACTS and an INADEQUATE HEARING AIDS.

*** Shut up.


28 comments:

RevRee said...

Don't drop the soap!

Anonymous said...

You should have just floored it. The cops won't chase people anymore.

Little Lamb said...

YOu should have had a pleasant attitude and been polite to the police officer. You could have said you "thought" you were past the speed limit school sign.

You may have been able to talk your way out of the ticket.

Mr. Fabulous said...

You should have shown him your penis and asked him to blow you.

They dig that.

the dude said...

That only works in Rhode Island.

Baron Ectar said...

I did not know clown cars could go that fast?

~ Stacy ~ said...

Sucks to be you.

Which is my way of saying... Hahahahahaha... er, I mean; Gee, I'm really sorry that happened to you, Mister Dyckerson.

Seriously. That bites.

Can't you pay down the points by hiring one of those Traffic Lawyers? You know, that ones that charge an arm and a leg, which they know you'll pay in order to keep your insurance premiums down. I live in such a little, backwoods, bumfuck town that they don't allow those kind of lawyers here.

Mel said...

next time, twirl your hair and play stupid. Cops love that.

Jackass Jenn said...

"...( i.e. people who didn't SLEEP THROUGH the high school P.E. teacher's lecture on BIRTH CONTROL)...

So I'm stuck behind this CARAVAN OF COCKSUCKERS..."

Actually, if I may be technical...if they truly ARE cocksuckers, they may have been listening to the PE Teacher indeed...they also just moved on to College Instructor given activities which led to the breeding...and probably a 4.0 GPA.

Anonymous said...

No worries - I have your legal strategy. When they call your name in court, yell "You fuckers will never take me alive" and run out.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Rev - I don't use soap anyway.

Ewink - NOW you tell me.

Lambo - That only works on hot chicks with big tits.

Mr. Fab- If my penis was glazed or covered with sprinkles, I would agree.

Dude - Who the fuck lives in Rhode Island?

Bacon Eggar - Are you kidding?? Bozo once got nailed for doing 110mph in a construction zone.

Stacy - Fuck lawyers. They'd just tell me to have my speedometer calibrated and charge me $2K.

Mel - See above comment for Lambo.

Jackass - No you may not be technical. But thanks for playing.

TFG - I think the ankle chains might impede my running.

Anonymous said...

ya, I got pulled over for speeding through a school zone once too,...but I got out of a ticket cuz my hubs is a cop...Ha! HA!;)

Anonymous said...

Hey! This is not a coffin toter post! That is false advertisment!

Were there any hot milf soccer moms walking around?

Ben said...

"Finally I had ZERO POINTS on my fucking driving record...now that's all SHOT TO HELL thanks to OFFICER LUGNUT and his magic radar gun."

Yes. That cop magically forced your foot to push too hard on the gas-pedal. *eyeroll*

"Now this new route takes me right past a ... SCHOOL ZONE..."

So, not only are you a bastard who can't take responsibility for your own actions, but you were irresponsible in a school zone and deliberately, selfishly and inexcusibly endangered the lives of children? What a bastard you are!

"Did I mention that this is a PERFECTLY NICE NEIGHBORHOOD with a LOW CRIME RATE??"

Except, of course, for the selfish bastards who endanger the lives of children in their selfish zeal and then try to blame others for their irresponsible and dangerous criminal actions.

Honestly, I hope they do put you away. I hope your fine is so heavy that you can't afford to maintain this worthless excuse for a blog and that this is just the first of a string of criminal activities that wind you up behind prison walls so that the rest of society can be protected from you.

Or, failing, that, perhaps you'll get a life and realize that the world doesn't revolve around you, nor care about your petty little mis-deeds.

~ Stacy ~ said...

Yeesh, Ben. Lighten up. You're rather judgemental there.

Seriously though, wth are you doing here? Mister Dyckerson's sense of humor is not for you. It's funny.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Well looky here, boys and girls! We've got a live one! I'm guessing Ben is either (a) a donut-gobbling, ticket-writing cop...or (b) an overprotective snob parent...or (c) both.

I suggest you lighten your tone, you uninformed little stain...or my associate Stacy will come to your house and ram her forklift up your tight ass!

Have a nice day.

Anonymous said...

I think Caravan of Cocksuckers was opening for Def Leppard this summer.

Anonymous said...

Some shitsock (probably you) almost ran over my kid trying to hurry past my car. I lost all control, blood boiling I followed (read: chased) her for a good 20 minutes. It was like an episode of cops but with out the cops.

She's buried in my backyard.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Don't blame the shitsock. Your kid belongs on the fucking bus. NOW!!!

Anonymous said...

Well, look on the bright side, he could have showed up moments earlier and seen your lawn-job.

Willo Keays said...

N00bs should stay far away from Dycks blog.

Actually .. I probably should too.

Willo Keays said...

Oh yeah! And ...

Hi eWink :)

Anonymous said...

I will kill fuck and then eat all christians and know it all shit stain republicans. I have a Fifty Five gallon drum of lube and a big bowl of tarter sauce. Bring it on ben and bring some farm animals with you. Preferably chickens and sheep..

Tripe Face said...

Dyck,

I'm not sure, but I sense you are a little upset about receiving a traffic violation summons from the officer.

Am I on the correct track here?

If so I hope you see the error in your ways.

Tripe

Anonymous said...

I like how the schoolbus stops at each and every house with children, even if there are fifteen in a row on a main thoroughfare.
My uncle told me when he was a kid (in the 30's) he got hit by a car and was made to apologize to the driver for running into the street without looking.

Anonymous said...

Mighty Dyckerson,
I think you should plead your case in court. Sounds like this was a trap to me!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Dr. K - Actually I should've slammed the Jeep into 4WD and taken it offroad. The bastard never would've caught me then.

Willo - You know you can't stay away.

Bostuck - Now you're talking my language!!

Tripe - Suck it.

Dyke - Indeed it was a trap. I'm suing the police dept. for damages.

karla said...

Actually, I think Caravan of Cocksuckers was a broadway musical that was a hit last summer.

Or it may have been a descriptive term I've used to describe some of my exes.