1/27/2007

Fuck XM Radio

Have I ever told you fuckers about my brother? His name is Martholomew ("Marty") Dyckerson, and he works at the corporate offices of one of those large-carton electronic stores. I think their logo is an electrical plug or something. Genius marketing right there. I guess if they were a supermarket, their logo would be a fork.

Anyway, last Christmas, Marty Dyckerson decided to take advantage of his employee discount and buy electronic gadgetry for everyone in the family. His wife got a DVD player, his daughter got a video game, Mother Dyckerson got a french tickler, and so on. And for yours truly, the gift that keeps on sucking: XM radio.

Now don't get me wrong. It was certainly a nice thought. And many people seem to enjoy the satellite radio. But not I. I don't want it in my house, I don't want it in my car, I don't want it in my life. Of all the shit Marty could've gotten me from an electronics store, XM Radio ranks DEAD LAST, below the laserdisc player and the VHS tape rewinder that looks like a toy car.

Why such hatred for XM Radio, you ask? I don't have fucking time for it. When I'm at home, I'm watching porn, surfing the net, and waxing my balls. When I'm driving to and from work, all I want is traffic, weather, and celebrity birthdays. If it's music I desire, I have a DyckPod. I also have a CD playing device that plays CDs when you put them inside it. And if I really, really wanted satellite radio, I'd get Sirius so I could listen to my idol Howard Stern.

But for some reason, Marty thought I'd go apeshit over the idea of having the XM Radio in my vehicle. And I didn't have the heart to shove the box up his ass and tell him to go to Hell.

The first thing you have to do when you get the XM Radio is install the shit. Or in my case, wait around for THREE FUCKING HOURS while a high school dropout flunkie with poor hygiene tears up my interior. The end result: a shiny plastic gray box glued to my dashboard with an LCD screen that says, "Hey thieves, I'm expensive and easy to steal! Come on, break a window and take me home! You know you want to!"

After having this stupid thing in the DyckMobile for two or three weeks, I finally decided to turn it on yesterday. Yep, they sure have lots of channels. All kinds of music. News. Talk. Sports. Comedy. You know what else they have?? COMMERCIALS! What in the fuck??! I don't know why, but I was under the impression that satellite radio was COMMERCIAL FREE!! Oh, and try finding a channel you like with the miniscule buttons while drunk and weaving through traffic at 90 miles per hour. IT CAN'T BE DONE!!!

So a message to thieves: If the shiny plastic gray box doesn't get your attention, I'll make it even easier for you. I will be leaving my orange Jeep Wrangler in the Wal-Mart parking lot on West Broad St. from 3pm til midnight tonight. Orange is a rare color for a Jeep, so it should be easy to spot. The doors will be unlocked and the XM owner's manual will be in the front seat. Don't forget the remote and the antenna. I will also leave a glass of milk and a plate of delicious chocolate chip cookies on the center console. Just promise me you won't touch my Jesus statue or my pine tree air freshener.

14 comments:

tfg said...

Aha! You've unwittingly revealed your secret identity. You're that Walmart greeter that told me to "go shit in my hat" the last time I went in to buy my Depends in bulk.

~ Stacy ~ said...

Didn't anyone ever tell you not to operate orange machinery while pissed and peeved?

Can I have a cookie?

Mel said...

You have a Jesus statue?

Shit, you think you're starting to know a person and then they whip a Jesus statue outta nowhere.

huh.

the dude said...

Isn't there also a monthly fee for XM? Yeah I'd stay with plain old free ground radio where shock jocks kill unsuspecting contestants by water intoxication.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

TFG - Curses! Foiled again!!

Stacy - That's why I drink before I drive...so I don't get pissed or peeved.

Mel - It's actually a radar detector in disguise.

Dude - Yeah, the fee is on Marty Dyckerson's account. I'm sure as hell not paying for it.

DykesDog said...

I think you and I might have the same brother! Poor Marty, having such a clown for a brother!

Willo Keays said...

I sent some homies from O-town to take care of the problem for you. They just called and said there was no way in hell they were going near the hazardous pit you call a Jeep. Said something about a white, creamy substance all over the front dash - and an old Dead Guy wearing a GRANDPA t-shirt in the drivers seat. Not to mention the bulk packages of pork rinds in the back.

karla said...

You cheap motherfucker. How dare you call yourself a Howard Stern fan when you are too stingy to fork over 40 cents a day to get Sirius satellite radio? Just last week Benjy blew air into Richard Christy's ass through a straw--and you're MISSING IT ALL!! The saddest part is you just don't seem to understand simple economics. If you'd purchase your buttplugs from a wholesaler, like tfg does, instead of buying them at the sex shop down the street from the Wal-Mart where you mop floors for a living, you'd save enough money to cover the cost of Sirius, plus you'd be able to buy another set of assless chaps to replace the ones you accidentally left at that frat party last month.

And you have the nerve to want to be my mentor? You make me sick.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Dyke - In that case, we're related. I'm coming over for dinner.

Willo - Damn, I haven't been to "O-Town" in days. I need to get laid.

Ms. Babble - You're back! Oh how I've missed your flirtious comments. For your information, I don't pay for my buttplugs. I just steal Joke's old pacifiers from your trash cans at night. (BTW, you're angry when you're beautiful.)

andy said...

Okay, D, I don't usually get all complementary 'n' shit, but....

"and the VHS tape rewinder that looks like a toy car."

and

"..all I want is traffic, weather, and celebrity birthdays."

It may be the medicine, but I peed myself.

Luck o' the Irish said...

"chocolate chip" cookies? Or mouse turd cookies?

And I'll be damned if I'm falling for the glass of "milk" scheme again.

Baron Ectar said...

You are one ungrateful clown!

blog Portland said...

Don't you know there are kids in third world countries who are too poor for satellite radio? How does that make you feel, being so ready to just throw it all away?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Andy - Wow! Usually my blog makes people vomit. Peeing is a nice change.

Irish - Then how about a delicious weiner?

Bacon Eggar - What, I thanked you for the porn you got me for Christmas, didn't I??

McFatty - Who do I look like, Sally Fucking Struthers?? Screw the kids.