1/21/2007

From The Mighty Blog Mailbag...

Dear Mr. Dyckerson,

My name is Gladys Clumpstein of Syracuse, NY. I am writing in regard to my son Stewart, who is an avid fan of your blog. Last night while reading your post about severed penises, my little Stewart died after suffering a grand mal seizure. We found his lifeless body this morning, his head pressed up against his computer screen. His eyes were still open, locked onto the flashing lights along the sidebar of your blog. We are convinced those flashing lights are what caused Stewart's fatal seizure.

Please, Mr. Dyckerson. I beg you to remove those flashing and blinking things from your otherwise outstanding blog so others don't meet the same fate as my little Stewart. Do it for the children.


Dear Gladys,

Fuck the children. It sounds to me like your son was a weak, lame, hopeless freak of nature anyway. If it hadn't been a seizure, he probably would have impaled himself while imitating a stunt he saw on Jackass. Best to weed out nature's little mistakes. It makes the gene pool a bit cleaner for the rest of us. But thanks for writing.

********************

Dear Mr. Dyckerson,

I am H'sai Poon Tang, Assistant Audit Specialist for Blogger, Inc. A recent review of your blog found that you are in violation of Section II, Paragraph 4 of the Blogger Terms and Conditions: "...blog users shall not publish a template or image that defies the laws of common decency and good taste..." Our research shows your blog does both. Your flashing lights and blinking logo are a slap in the face to legimate graphic artists and web designers everywhere. You have thirty (30) days to remove the offending items or your blog will be removed.

Dear Mr. Tang,

Assistant Audit Specialist? Pshaw. I only answer to Sukk Maik Ock, the Chief Audit Specialist. And don't talk to me about web design and graphic artistry. I know three HTML tags and I am well versed with Microsoft Paint. So SHOW ME SOME FRIGGING RESPECT!

********************

Dear Mr. Dyckerson,

My name is Alyssa Milano, and I am a wealthy television actress in Hollywood. I will pay you one million dollars to remove those goddamn blinkie things from your shitty blog. I will also perform oral sex on you every day for a year.

Dear Alyssa,

I hope you own a good pair of knee pads.







18 comments:

RevRee said...

I like the poop stains

~ Stacy ~ said...

Okay. Seriously. The blinking lights had nothing on that gawd-awful, eye-piercing, mind-splitting, shitty-ass pink font on top of putred purple in your sidebar.

And I like the color purple. But where the hell did you find THAT hue!?

WTF is wrong with you? Did you go to sleep and wake up merged with Martha Stewart's alter, no-fucking-sense-of-color-scheme's cousin Vern?

Fuck.

I'm so nauseated right now, I don't even know what the hell I'm saying and I seem to have been inflicted with Tourettes.

Fuck
Fuck
Fuckity
Fuck

I don't like it, Mister Dyckerson. Sorry.

The blog header is distastefully exceptional, though. Nice work.

But, did I mention yet that the color scheme sucks big, hairy, green bananas. ...And I mean that in all kindness, with as much love as I can muster while suffering excruciating, Dyckerson-blog induced vertigo.

Now that I've made my point abundantly more clear than was necessary...

Please excuse me while I run off and vomit.

Have a nice day.

Anonymous said...

The piles of shit really stink - now that would knock a kid over for sure!

To think that a clown can cause this much trauma to a child?!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Rev - Thanks. I thought of you when I made them.

Stacy - So what are you trying to say?

Bacon Eggar - I'll take that as a compliment.

RevRee said...

They do kinda have my color...

Willo Keays said...

Did you think up the most offensive of all blog templates ... and then create it? If you wanted me to stay away from your blog ... all you had to do was ask. no need to punish everyone else!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Willo, don't get your panties in a twist. I'm still tweaking a few things...including adding a lot more feces. Stay tuned!

Anonymous said...

Cornflower blue. Purty.

Anonymous said...

Is Sukk Maik Ock any relation to Nun Tu Yung?

Pud said...

I miss all the blinkies.

Anonymous said...

I like all the piles of shit over there...makes you blog look so much better.

did I ever tell you how much I hate clowns? Just wondered, that's all....Especially sick, demented clowns, like yourself for instance! ;)

jmeped said...

I hate spam. Not as much as geese...I miss the carnival lights. Hope your day ended better than it started.

Manola Blablablanik said...

Oh Dyck!!! That blinkie blinkie stuffed turned me on, like my vibrator!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

TFG - How should I know? They all look alike to me.

Pud - Me too. I guess the terrorists have won.

Beth - Do not hate the clowns. We bring peace and joy and laughter to those around us. Then we CHOP YOU UP INTO PIECES AND BURY YOU IN SHALLOW GRAVES. But mostly we bring peace and joy and laughter to those around us.

Jmeped - My day is much brighter now that you're here, my sweet lesbian of desire.

Manola - DAMMIT.

Anonymous said...

Back lit shit piles? That's it. I'm done. I can now go to heaven in peace.

~ Stacy ~ said...

Hey! My panties are in a twist too.

Could you please continue tweaking?

And tweaking, and tweaking, and tweaking, and tweaking, and...

.

.

.

.

.

WAAAHHH!!!

Save the blinkies!
Club a clown!

Anonymous said...

Wow Rosie came and shit all over your blog ... hey BTW, I heard RevRee whipped your ass in blog ratings. Is that really true?!

blog Portland said...

Thanks for the picture of Alyssa Milano. That now marks the 10th time I've buttered the corn cob to your page.