Dope On A Rope

Time for another exclusive interview you'll see only here on The Mighty Blog! Eat your heart out, Larry King!! Yesterday, I sat down for a conversation with none other than Ralph Al-Yossef, the guy who executed Saddam Hussein. Here's what he had to say.....

Dyck: Welcome to The Mighty Blog. Thanks for joining us today.
Ralph: No problem, dude. How's it hanging? Hehe.

Dyck: So how did you get into hanging people?
Ralph: Well it all started when I was a kid in the Iraqi Boy Scouts. When I was 12, I earned a merit badge for tying knots. Then when I got older, a buddy of mine introduced me to Iraq's executioner. Turns out he was getting ready to retire, and he needed someone to take over the business. So I hung out with him after school and he showed me the ropes...so to speak.

Dyck: But I bet you never dreamed you'd someday execute one of the most evil dictators the world has ever known.
Ralph: You can say that again! When I heard the news, you could've knocked me over with a bag of pork rinds. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity - a great resume booster too.

Dyck: What was the deal with the black scarf around Saddam's neck? Was that to prevent rope burns?
Ralph: That's what everybody thinks, but no. Truth is, he was just trying to cover up a hickey.

Dyck: Some people are saying that wasn't the real Saddam - that he was an impostor.
Ralph: Dude, trust me. I was there, and I could still smell the Doritos on his breath.

Dyck: Have you seen the cell phone footage that has been circulating the Internets?
Ralph: Yes, and I find it appalling. Ray Charles could've shot better footage than that, and he's blind!

He's also dead.
Ralph: Are you kidding me?!! When did that shit happen??

Several years ago. Don't you read the papers?
Ralph: Nah. You know what they say in the execution biz.

What's that?
Ralph: No noose is good noose! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!

Well at least the execution went smoothly.
Ralph: Actually, what you saw on the Internets was the third take. The first time we tried it, the rope was too long, so he just fell to the ground and sprained his ankle. Then the second time, the trap door jammed.

Wow, how embarrassing!
Ralph: True dat. The outtakes will be on the DVD coming out next month.

Dyck: We'll look forward to that. So what do you do when you're not stretching necks?
Ralph: I play a lot of Hangman.

Dyck: Any favorite TV shows?
Ralph: I love Hangin' with Mr. Cooper, Knots Landing, and anything by David Lynch. Oh, and what's the name of that Three's Company spinoff with Norman Fell?

Dyck: That would be The Ropers.
Ralph: Yeah, that's it!!!

Dyck: What about the guy who played Mr. Furley?
Ralph: You mean Don Knotts? Yeah, he's great!!!

Dyck: What's on your iPod right now?
Ralph: I listen to a lot of swing music.

Dyck: Of course. So what's next for you?
Ralph: Tomorrow I'm doing Regis & Kelly. And next week, I'll be hosting SNL. Then once all the media hype dies down, I'm thinking about taking a class on lethal injections. That's where all the money is these days.

Dyck: Sounds exciting! Good luck with that, and thanks again for stopping by.
Ralph: Anytime. Before I go, I'd like to give a shout out to my peeps back at the gallows - Stranglin' Steve Sa 'eed and Chuckie "The Choker" Benayahu. Peace out, homeys!!!

Stay tuned tomorrow for the first in my three-part interview with one of Gerald Ford's pallbearers!!!


Little Lamb said...

Oh dear!

RevRee said...

As a fellow media person, I'd like to be the first to say I am 100% impressed with your interviewing style.

My favorite question: "Dyck: Well at least the execution went smoothly.
Ralph: Actually, what you saw on the Internets was the third take. The first time we tried it, the rope was too long, so he just fell to the ground and sprained his ankle. Then the second time, the trap door jammed.


~ Stacy ~ said...

LOL! You are such a comedic genius, Mister Dyckerson.

I totally agree with Revree... That WAS priceless.

Gee. And here I thought my day had already been filled with the funnies. Thanks for the bonus.

Anonymous said...

Christ Dyck, don't tell me you fell for that hokey shit. Saddam and Osama are both safe and sound running a 7-11 in Cleveland.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

RevRee - I was going for 110%. Thanks a lot, now I'm going to go hang myself.

Stacy - You are too kind. Feel free to share this with your friends in the whorehouse tomorrow.

TFG - I hear the burritos there are weapons of ass eruption.

Anonymous said...

Well done.

How in the world did you come up with all those hanging/knot/swinging, etc references/gags? Were you playing 10,000 Pyramid with Dick Clark, and he's all: "Words associated with a muthafucka getting hanged. Ready . . . Go!"

Anonymous said...

I will read this later. Shit was too long and I dont have time.. I will check back in at around say... 7ish.

Gerald Ford's pallbearers eh?


Anonymous said...

Do you have any wine to go with this cheese of a post?

Seriously, great piece of fried gold you put out there.

Mr. Fabulous said...

This is why I come here. For the REAL inside scoop.

Anonymous said...

I talked to him this afternoon and he revealed to me that his favorite song was 'gallows pole' from Led Zeppelin.

Anonymous said...

This is so much better than CNN.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Doc - What can I say? It's a gift.

Ann - Flattery will get you everywhere, babe!

Mr. Fab - Remember you heard it here first. And tell your friends!

Bostink - Well played.

Dyke - What's CNN?

~ Stacy ~ said...

I shared, Mister Dyckerson, but I doubt any of those morons understood.

You see, my whorehouse trainer couldn't even pronounce the word "defecate" today, nor did she know what it meant. I had to enunciate, as well as give a defintion.

True story, I kid you not.

Hmmm, maybe I should have just sent her here for clarification on defecation.

Anonymous said...

Funny shit. Better than the usual crap.

Pud said...

It wasn't shown on that shaky cell phone video, but I'm the one who pulled the trap door. You could almost compare me to the second gunman on the grassy knoll.

the dude said...

By far one of your funniest posts, and I enjoyed some Hanging with Mr. Cooper too.

Mel said...

Didn't Don Knotts die this year too?
Coz that would really tie in.

Funny stuff Dyck, I also have to agree with Revree that was my fav. part

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Stacy - Your trainer sounds retarded. You need to take over that operation.

Anonymous - Thanks. I think.

Pud - I wouldn't mind seeing your "grassy knoll" for HNT!

Dude - You have excellent taste in blogs and sitcoms.

Mel - Check your calendar. I think you missed the whole New Year's thing.

Anonymous said...

Lethal injection...that's where all the money is~
Yep- especially in Florida- if the excutioner has to do the deed twice- he gets paid twice!

And the guy in the death seat gets to hang on for a few more minutes- it's a win win situation~
Except the s.o.b should have fried 27 years earlier...just sayin'~

jmeped said...

I will see you in hell. I'll be the one at the front of the line handing out shots!

Mel said...

oh for fucksake- technicality! blah blah. *grin* Haven't you heard of a fiscal year??
I meant within the past 12 months...

blog Portland said...

Barbara Walters would have made him cry.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Mayden - Gee, tell us what you really think!

Jmeped - It can't be Hell if you're there, my love. *Smooches*

Mel - I thought fiscal years only happened once every four years.

McFatty - And Rosie would have made him vomit.