12/01/2006

The Many Sides of Dyckerson

I've been doing a lot of soul searching since my blog was reviewed by the folks at Blog Laughs. Perhaps my blog is a bit too "frat-boyish" and "juvenile" as the critics put it. Maybe my posts do contain too many jokes about poo-poos, pee-pees, wee-wees, ta-tas, hoo-hahs, and the like.

But your beloved Mighty Dyckerson is capable of much more than this childishness. Mighty Dyckerson is a man of the world...a well-rounded and cultured gentleman of class. Mighty Dyckerson doesn't need to resort to vulgarity to keep His audience engaged. Mighty Dyckerson is capable of speaking with great intelligence and eloquence about a wide variety of subject matter.

Take politics. I believe we need to strengthen our borders and put the brakes on illegal immigration. Social security needs major reform. And we must revise our exit strategy in Iraq. Speaking of which, I have a question about that Soddamn Insane guy. When he was hiding out in his spider hole all that time, where the fuck did he take a shit? Did he just drop a deuce right there in his spider hole? Or did he sneak out at night and go behind a sand dune? And what did he use to wipe his ass, an empty Doritos bag??

Then there's the arts. You might be surprised to learn I am an art lover. My most cherished possession is my black velvet painting of the Mona Lisa squatting over a midget and taking a piss on his head. The attention to detail is stunning, right down to the smile on the Mona Lisa's face. You can just tell she's enjoying herself as she expels her urine with the grace and ease of a swan in flight.

Or maybe sports is more your cup of tea. Your Trojans are looking good for the Rose Bowl this year. Speaking of Trojans, I was wearing a Trojan the night I banged two chicks at the same time. It was at a funeral home, and we had just buried my aunt Dyquetta. During the service, I noticed these fine pieces of ass bawling their eyes out in the front row. Afterwards, I took them aside and consoled them in my own special way. Turns out they were distant cousins, but I guess that's technically OK, isn't it??

You don't like sports either? Fine, let's talk about the world of high finance. Next year I'm hoping to diversify my portfolio by reallocating a portion of my 401k to international funds. I'm also planning to invest in one of these for my bedroom. Britney is my favorite, I think.

Perhaps you're more of a thinker. I happen to know a thing or two about philosophy. In fact, my favorite philosopher is Kierkegaard, the father of existentialism. It was Kierkegaard who said, "for one to truly have faith in God, one would also have to doubt that God exists." Well I'll tell ya, those chicks I banged at the funeral home sure believed in God - they kept screaming His name every time I (censored by Blogger) in their mouths!!

So as you can see, there's more to Dyckerson than meets the eye. I think some of you out there may owe me a Kramer-like apology. I'll be waiting...


14 comments:

the dude said...

Wow can you teach me how to "censored by Blogger" in a woman's mouth.

Anonymous said...

Britney is my favorite also. We could open a brothel and charge $50.00 a 'pop'. It really couldnt be considered prostitution ya know.

I understand that they come with a bottle brush and a turkey baster for easy cleaning.

Anonymous said...

Tell me Dyquetta is not dead. She still owes me change on the fiver I gave her for "services rendered."

Anonymous said...

Mighty Dyckupthebutt

~ Stacy ~ said...

Wow. That was deep and incredibly eloquent, Mister Dyckerson. Can we do it again, sometime?

Manola Blablablanik said...

Dyck, you forgot to mention that Britney and you can adopt African orphans!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Dude - Sorry, it's a gift that can't be taught.

TFG - Dyquetta is alive and kicking. She assumed the extra change was supposed to be a tip...especially since the other "tip" you gave her didn't amount to much.

Bostick - What the hell are you talking about??

Stacy - No.

Manola - I don't think so. The Africans might heckle my blog and cause me to have a meltdown.

~ Stacy ~ said...

Party Pooper.

DykesDog said...

When I first started reading this post, I thought to myself, "oh hell no, he isn't going to get all politically correct and shit on us, is he?!"

I am so relieved that you remain, as always, the MIGHTY DYCKERSON!

jmeped said...

Actually I think sadam likes cheetos. I personally thought you would like a doll with a chuckie head. I mean who wants a headless torso? I mean other than you...

Anonymous said...

Keep being As Nasty as You (We) Want to Be. Maybe soon they'll call you the "bad boy of the blog circuit," and then you'll upgrade to THREE chicks at a time at funeral homes.

Anonymous said...

I want to hear about your feminine side..

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Dyke - Well I'm not going to get politically correct...but I am going to shit on you.

Jmeped - I want YOUR torso and everything that's attached, you sexy lesbian you!

Dr. Soundliquid - Actually I tried three chicks at the funeral home. There wasn't enough room in the coffin.

Bostuck - Trust me, you do not.

Anonymous said...

There wasn't enough room in the coffin.

Don't you mean freezer?