12/08/2007

Gettin' Schooled

Let's travel down memory lane for yet another edition of
THE BEST OF DYCKERSON
Originally posted: 12/17/06


My philosophy on life is quite simple: The learning never stops. I am always looking for new ways to expand my knowledge and keep my mind sharp. That's why I was excited to find out that the Dyckersonville public school system offers its residents adult education classes for a modest fee.

I picked up a copy of the course catalog while I was surfing for porn at the library today. Problem is, all the classes are so interesting, I'm having a hard time deciding what to take. So i thought I'd share some of the offerings with you buttfuckers and get your opinions. Keep in mind these are actual course descriptions from the catalog:



At first, this one struck my fancy. I mean, who doesn't want to know where they came from? I could be a descendant of royalty! But then I thought about it. With my luck, I'll find out I'm one of Adolph Hitler's grandsons. Or worse yet, I could be Ms. Babble's long lost cousin. Not worth the risk. Besides, any course description that contains the word "finis" is too fucking gay for my ass. Moving on.....



Here I was intrigued by the eye-catching "NEW" indicator to the right of the title. A storytelling class may be just what I need to make The Mighty Blog even mightier! But why mess with perfection? And how about this sentence: "There will be a definite goal for which results to expect from the course." Excuse me, but that makes NO FUCKING SENSE. These people think they can teach me storytelling, yet they can't even write a coherent sentence in the course description?? And what's the deal with the tape recorder and blank audiotape? Who the fuck uses cassettes in this day and age??? Dyckerson does NOT do analog. Next.....



Now we're getting somewhere! There is nothing I would love more than to festoon my flip-flops with festive fun fur. But alas, I only have one pair of flip-flops...and the description clearly states that 2 pair are required. Damn them to Hell!!!!


Oooh, an eBay class! Perhaps I can get rich by opening my own eBay store and selling my fun fur! This is the ticket for me! But wait. I call your attention to the passage which I have highlighed in yellow for your convenience: "Due to time limitations and school regulations involving the Internet, this class will not involve hands-on with a computer." So lemme get this straight. It's a class about EBAY...which is a ONLINE SHOPPING SITE...but computers will not be made available??! Will there be an instructor, or is that against regulations too??! Let's continue.....


Ladies and gentlemen, I have found my true calling!!! And to think, I've wasted all this time working in a cube farm fucking around on a computer all day, when I could have been mastering the ancient art of clowning. Sure, the class is probably full of winos and pedophiles...but I have to start somewhere! I can just see myself now on graduation night, walking down that aisle in my cap, gown, and big red shoes to accept my diploma. Mom and Dad will be so proud!! That's it, I'm signing up today!!!!


33 comments:

Anonymous said...

They didn't offer Asshair Basket Weaving this semester?

jmeped said...

That was you! I was driving home minding my own business, and wouldn't you know Ronald McDonald was in the car behind me eating and smoking. I was getting paranoid when he passed the McDonalds and kept following me. I lost you, um I mean him though. It's always nice to brush up on yer skillz.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

TFG - The class was already filled.

Jmeped - JMEPED!!!!!! You came out of hibernation just for me!!!! I seriously thought of you when I saw the Beginning Clown class...you sweet irresistable lesbian you!

andy said...

Dude, I'm like, in grad school and shit, and ain't nothing that exciting by me. I would kill for a clown class at this point.

Especially if 'twere taught by my last prof---an 'educational' guru straight off the island of Sri Lanka...

Baron Ectar said...

What no Clown Porn acting classes for the gifted - guess you are shit out of luck!

DykesDog said...

Mighty Dyck,

You are so smart you don't need to go to school anymore. Perhaps you should offer to teach a free class and share some of that wisdom with the world.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Andy - I've had a few of those teachers myself. Why do they always smell like pastrami?

Bacon Eggar - Some things just can't be taught in a classroom.

Dyke - You may be on to something there! Maybe I'll teach a class about pork rinds...

Anonymous said...

But you already are a clown fucker!! WOOOOOOO!!! Yo. I called you gay in Dykes dogs comments. To me that is funny Ha Ha and funny queer.

Anonymous said...

Bacon egger, hu hu hu to me that is still pretty funny..

Tuen off word verification please

Anonymous said...

Ok added... and the Babbler

TURN THAT SHIT OFF!!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Stop spamming my fucking comment hole and maybe I will!

Anonymous said...

I cant stop damnit. I have yourr email too

andy said...

mmmm, pastrami.

That's what she said. (? that's all I've got today. Sorry.)

Manola Blablablanik said...

Wait a minute Dykerson, you should be teaching this class!

Anonymous said...

Dude, go to the clown class! If ever there were a location ripe with blog fodder . . .

I would also like to take a Clingon class with a room full of dorks. When you're ready to do either one, let me know.

Anonymous said...

Screw them . You're the master. Why not offer your own classes? How about:

From Whence You Came: Beginning Gynecology 101

Course Description: Imagine the thrill of revisiting a place not seen since birth. Or if you have, this time paying cash in a legal manner in order to do so. This course will teach you how to spot infectious diseases from a unique 3rd party perspective. You will also experience being up close to real-life genitalia courtesy of a conscious and willing female participant. Must provide your own camcorder.

~ Stacy ~ said...

I could teach ya how to create and sell a "Mighty Dyckerson 101" CD-ROM course on eBay, and I'd even let you have 'hands-on' with a [ahem] ...computer. No time limitations here. ;)

Anonymous said...

I think puerile is on to something, you should offer: Where Did Those Cheetohs Go - Introductory Proctology 101.

mel said...

how the hell did you know so much about knitting to create that description.
I'm a mom and I don't even what the fuck circular knitting needles are.

You're my hero.

this stuff all looks gay (not as in wears pink, talks with hands and giggles.. as in stooopid) where's the whoring 101 or How To Host the Price is Right?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Manola - Teachers don't make any fucking money. Besides, I'm there to meet chicks, not dispense knowledge.

Dr. SoundLiquid - Do you honestly think I would attend a clown class just for the blog material?? You're right, I would.

P - With my luck, the vaginas would all belong to the cafeteria ladies.

Stacy - Sounds great! I can't wait to get my hands on your laptop.

TFG - Idiot. There's only one 'h' in 'Cheetos'

Mel - Did I mention these were actual course descriptions that I did not make up?? Why yes. Yes I did.

andy said...

Speaking of lunch meats, Dyck, I signed up for my next installment of Grad School today, and I thought of your special classes. But no special classes for me, no sir. I end up with "Curriculum Development and Learning Theory" with a dude named Haralambos. That's first name.

fuck.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Where the fuck are you going to school? The University of Guadaloupe??!

andy said...

No shit my friend. No effing shit.

Plus, not that I'm racist, but EVERY other person at my school is black. Every other one. So everyone looks at ME like what the hell am I doing here? This must be what Frederick Douglass felt like.

right?

Anonymous said...

Oh yeah, there is only h in cheetos. Bloow me.

Willo Keays said...

You're here to meet chicks? Everytime I try to get to know you - you run the other way. I think you're AFRAID of girls. I really do.

{oh wait .... maybe it's just me!?}

... never mind ...

karla said...

Christ. Why am I just now realizing you mentioned me in this month-and-a-half old post? Do I have to read your blog every fucking day just to see if I got a mention? Oh God, the torture.

Stan!! said...

Ms Babble seems strangely overwrought. Marital strife perhaps?
Dyckerson, surely a nice class in Women's and gender studies would be right up your alley, old bean. Such courses are apt to endorse a broad definition of feminist research, scholarship, and teaching, and Who knows...you might even score some poon.

Sassy Blondie said...

Beginning Clown 1? Creepy shit! Do they also offer Stalking 101 and Scrapbooking for Dogs?

This explains a lot ;)

Willo Keays said...

Oh! Stalking 101! I could teach that class.

Anonymous said...

The ONLY CLASS TO TAKE:

Learn to be a Porn Star: Learn intricate moves, like the entire book of the Kama Sutra. Hands on experience with your instructor in all forms of oral shooting. Learn to Moan and Groan like a a real actor and fake orgasms as well. Class provide materials include XXX movie clips and all assorted materials to ensure your complete pleasure and learning ability.

Now thats the class for my wife!

marky said...

shitting in corners 101

sputnick said...

Oh no, a clip show!

~ Stacy ~ said...

Um?

Wanna touch my laptop again?