12/22/2006

Fun With Spammers IV: The Holiday Edition

***Updated 12/23***

I don't know about you, but to me, nothing spells Christmas like a little email spam! I haven't done this feature in a while, so here goes! Today's contestant is MISS LINDA MEHI of IVORY COAST WEST AFRICA. Linda writes:



DEAREST ONE

I AM MISS LINDA MEHI FROM IVORY COAST AND I AM CONTACTING YOU BECAUSE I NEED YOUR HELP IN THE MANAGEMENT OF A SUM OF MONEY THAT MY DEAD FATHER LEFT FOR ME BEFORE HE DIED.THIS MONEY IS USD 2.5 MILLION AMERICAN DOLLARS AND THE MONEY IS IN A BANK HERE IN ABIDJAN.

MY FATHER WAS A VERY RICH COCOA FARMER AND HE WAS POISONED BY HIS BUSINESS COLLEAGUES AND NOW I WANT YOU TO STAND AS MY GUIDIAN AND APPOINTED BENEFICIARY AND RECEIVE THE MONEY IN YOUR COUNTRY SINCE I AM ONLY 19 YEARS AND WITHOUT MOTHER OR FATHER.

PLEASE I WILL LIKE YOU TO REPLY TO THIS EMAIL SO THAT I WILL TELL YOU ALL THE INFORMATION SO THAT THIS MONEY WILL BE TRANSFERRED TO YOU SO THAT YOU WILL GET ME PAPERS TO TRAVEL TO YOUR COUNTRY TO CONTINUE MY EDUCATION THERE.WAITING FOR YOUR URGENT RESPONSE.

LINDA


Well Linda wants an urgent response...and that's just what she's gonna get! Read on:


MY DEAREST BELOVED LINDA

I AM MISTER MIGHTY DYCKERSON OF DYCKERSONVILLE AND I AM URGENTLY RESPONDING TO YOUR ELECTRONIC MAIL MESSAGE.

PLEASE MY CONDOLENCES TO YOU FOR THE LOSS OF YOUR DEAD COCOA FARMING FATHER WHO IS CURRENTLY NOT ALIVE. IT IS SUCH A TRAGEDY THAT HE WAS POISONED BY HIS BUSINESS COLLEAGUES. HOW WERE THEY ABLE TO PULL OFF SUCH A DASTARDLY DEED? DID THEY SLIP CYANIDE IN YOUR FATHER'S COCOA?? THAT WOULD WOULD BE A BITTER IRONY, WOULD YOU AGREE? NOT THAT IT MATTERS NOW. WHAT'S DONE IS DONE, AND I HOPE THOSE FIENDS ROT IN HELL.

OK ENOUGH ABOUT THAT LET US PLEASE GET TO THE USD 2.5 MILLION AMERICAN DOLLARS. I HAD NO IDEA THE COCOA FARMING INDUSTRY WAS SO LUCRATIVE, BUT I AM PLEASED TO HEAR YOU HAVE MADE EDUCATION YOUR TOP PRIORITY. AS YOUR APPOINTED GUIDIAN AND BENEFICIARY, MY FIRST ACT WILL BE TO ENROLL YOU IN THE FINEST AMERICAN COMMUNITY COLLEGE MONEY CAN BUY.

I ACTUALLY DO BUSINESS WITH THE BANK OF ABIDJAN. IN FACT I HAVE STILL HAVE THE FREE TOASTER THEY SENT ME WHEN I OPENED THE ACCOUNT. SO THERE IS NO NEED TO WIRE ANY FUNDS. PLEASE RESPOND URGENTLY WITH YOUR ACCOUNT NUMBER AND I WILL HAVE THE MONEY TRANSFERRED ONLINE VIA THE ABIDJAN WORLD WIDE WEB SITE.

I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU. MAY YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL HANUKKAH AND HAPPY JEW YEAR. GOODBYE PLEASE.

DYCKERSON


Christmas came early in the Dyckerson house this year, because our friend "Linda" took the bait! Here's her response, which I partly edited for length. Thankfully she turned off the caps lock button this time:


Dearest One,

I thanks you very much for your mail which you sent to me after reading it i do understand that you really want to help me in my present predicaments...Please I am like an orphan now who needed help that is the reason why I contact you to see if you can render me a help from your country because my conditions here is too bad. I don't have brothers or sisters but I have uncles, they have not been fair with me since the death of my father, all they care about is sharing my father's properties among themselves, saying that am just a little girl so won't know what to do with those things, when I tried to protect, they started threatening my life and send me out of family house.

The good things that happened to me is that they are not aware of this sum of Two million five hundred thousand US dollars . USD ($2.5million ) which my late father left in a suspense account...Please you are to confirm what is required to transfer this money into your account, Because i will visit them and details them about you.

[Contact information omitted.]

Dear, I believe that GOD made this choice for me. this money is a legally acquired money by my late father, Because he was a cocoa dealer...Furthermost i will like you to keep this matter confidential with you please i don't want you to tell it any body because those people that kill my father may be looking away to eliminate me to get this money

Here is more info about myself, I am Miss linda mehi, from the Republic de Cote d'ivoire, I am the only daughter of Late Mr mehi who died in the caurse of poison. my mother died few months after given birth to me and since then I was motherless. I am now 19 yrs old girl who living alone in Cote d'Ivoire where to save my life and also to claim the money which my late father left for me. my late father's brothers did not knows that my late father left such sum in the bank and the area I am now, this is why I am worried to move out from here, moreover they might kill me if the locate to where I am staying, I want to let you know that the situation is very hard to me this time.

Best Regard



Can you believe this shit??! Dyckerson responds:


Beloved One

You poor innocent child. Me thanks you for sharing with me your story. Your uncles really treat you hard causing you danger and I would likes to render a help please. You is quite fortunate your father left you that suspense account. I used to have an action account at the bank of Abidjan, but I transferred it to a comedy account because the interest rate was more goodly.

Furthermost it sounds like your father was a great cocoa dealer before he died in the caurse of poison. I belives GOD loves cocoa dealers and I is certain he has a special place in Heaven just for him. I should likes to contact you about the sum, but I fear my phone may be bugged. You see, my aunts are trying to eliminates me so they can get to the USD $4.3 million American dollars left to me by my father. He was a rich pork rind dealer here in the Republic de Dy'ckersonville. And if you comes to my country, I shall impregnates you with my 34 year old pork rind dick. You'll give birth to a dead pig and we'll cut him up and turn him into pork rinds.

Please I will contact you urgently as soon as the ivory coast is clear. Have a bitchin' yule.


Will "Miss Linda" be dumb enough to write again?? Stay tuned and find out!!!


Enjoy these previous installments of
Fun With Spammers:




17 comments:

Anonymous said...

COCOA FARMER? I bet linda is strung out on that shit. Needs some loot for more crack.

Willo Keays said...

Cocoa = chocolate you ass.

Mel said...

I don't know who makes me laugh more...
you or Willo.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Bostick isn't kidding. When I was a teen, I used to do lines of Nestle's Quik cocoa powder. That shit used to fuck me up in a big way.

No wonder that bunny was always so hyper.

~ Stacy ~ said...

"Cyanide... Bitter irony..."

[chuckle]

I just love you, Mister Dyckerson. You are such a clever clown.

Tell me, was it a four-slice toaster?

Anonymous said...

Linda appears to be an authentic Abidjan name. I say go for it. Just be careful. The Cocoa Cartel is known for their ruthlessness.

Anonymous said...

Cocoa = cocaine right?

DykesDog said...

Mighty Dyck,

Merry Christmas. If I had your address I would mail you some real spam!

Hope that you get all you want in your Clown stocking.

Anonymous said...

Those e-mails aren't real??? Does this mean that the WangEnlarger3000 that I ordered is not actually real?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Stacy - It was a two-and-a-half slice toaster. Don't ask.

P - You don't have to tell me. There's a street gang here known as the Swiss Miss-Behavors. They are not to be fucked with.

Bostick - That's "coca," moustache boy. As in Coca-Cola, the stuff that used to be made with cocaine.

Dyke - Send me a fruitcake instead. At least I can use it as a hammer.

TFG - Oh, the wang enlarger is quite real. It's your wang that's fake. Whatever that means.

RevRee said...

Bwhahahahhahahaha my favorite quote "Please I will contact you urgently as soon as the ivory coast is clear. Have a bitchin' yule."

Hahahahhahaa

Anonymous said...

Are you saying that it's a phoney, baloney wang?

Manola Blablablanik said...

OMG, that was hysterical! Merry Pork Rinds! xo

Mr. Fabulous said...

You are a funny SOB

Merry Christmas, my friend!

Anonymous said...

Nice work, Dyk.

She's 19? Past her prime as far as I'm concerned.

blog Portland said...

Is anyone else thinking that "cocoa farmer" is really just a euphemism for the buying and selling of supple, 19 y/o African girls?

Anonymous said...

What's a suspense account? Is that an account started by Alfred Hitchcock?