12/14/2006

The Dyckerson Family Christmas Newsletter '06

It has been another crazy year for the Dyckerson clan! We've had a lot of laughs, and yes, a few tears as well. And lately we've had an assload of explosive diarrhea, thanks to that goddamn Taco Bell they opened down the street.

2006 started out on a sour note. As you may recall from last year's newsletter, Mrs. Dyckerson was promoted to supervisor of Harry's House of Whores. Well I am sad to announce that Harry's burned to the ground in January. The fire department's investigation concluded that the blaze had been caused by a vibrator that was left turned on. The vibrator eventually overheated and ignited a box of Kleenex. Fortunately no one was hurt, but unfortunately, Mrs. D. was out of a job.

Little Dyck Jr. is growing up so fast, the little bastard. We finally weaned him off breast feeding, and not a moment too soon. My nipples were really getting sore! His pediatrician told us he may be mildly retarded. I'm hoping he'll snap out of it like I did.

Megan, our oldest, got knocked up for the third time last spring. As you know, we aborted the first two babies using a rusty coathanger. (Which reminds me, I really need to wipe that thing off. The blood keeps staining my shirts.) Anyway, Megan decided she wanted to keep the baby this time, so she went on Maury to find out who the father is. Turns out to be her fucking gym teacher. I guess she's been doing more than jumping jacks and squat thrusts.

More sad news this fall when we lost our Great Grandma Dyckerson. She didn't die, we just lost her. She was last seen wandering around outside the nursing home in late September. If anyone sees her, please give us a shout. We need her social security checks.

And finally, we just got finished remodelling the kitchen...and boy, is it spectacular! Granite countertops, stainless steel appliances, solid oak kitchen table, and the best part: the chairs have built-in crappers!! That's right, we can eat and shit simultaneously!! It saves us a lot of time, and it has really brought the whole family closer together.

Speaking of which, from our family to your family.....HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS!!!


20 comments:

Anonymous said...

"we can eat and shit at the (NOUN) simultaneously!!" You need to throw a noun in there dude..

Pulpit

Table

Barn

Cage

Coop

Moon

Trailer

Fat lady

Toilet

Car

Shoe

Vagina

Courtyard

Enough?

Keg

Chickenwings

Hairpie

Gloryhole

Transexual

Lama

Desert drink

Cat intestine

Broken Penis

Sand Clump

Piano wire

Lee Press On Nail

Squid Eyeball

Wart

Cunt Butter

Corpse

Flower box

Fire

Poopie Diaper

Pee Diaper

Mole tunnel

Rock Pile

Karla Babble

Word Verification is gay.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Blogger beta is gayer.

andy said...

Well, that's precious. Congrats on becoming a Grampa yourself.

Sorry again about that vibrator...

~ Stacy ~ said...

Grandma Dyckerson wandered into our yard, and if ya want her back, it's gonna cost you half a ham hock, 3 strips of thick bacon, $7.50, and a partridge in a pear tree.

Thems the terms.

Baron Ectar said...

I think I saw your Grandma in my back forty - with some critter that had several legs - an Alien ship hoovered close to her clown hair - she had one finger in the air and was mouthing the words see ya later Dyck!

Manola Blablablanik said...

Dyckerson, I hate to break the news to you, but your grandma retired to South Beach. I saw sunbathing and drinking margaritas while a young nubile Cuban massaged her feet!

Pud said...

Merry Fucking Christmas!

Chief Scientist said...

I'm usually happy just getting a Kwanzaa card. This was a lot more personal. Thanks!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Andy - Next time it's coming out of your paycheck.

Stacy - I got your ham hock right here, baby.

Bacon Eggar - I think you're mistaken. Grandma is bald.

Manola - Is she still eating the suntan lotion?

Pud - Same to you. Try not to get your head chopped off.

Chief - Why would I send you a Kwanzaa card? I'm not Jewish.

Anonymous said...

Fuck a garland strand up of your phony chimney, and I'll hang mistletoe with it, while I celibrate you with my 12 day old yule log. You'll give birth to a wise man and we'll cut him into frankencense.

Anonymous said...

PS Merry Christmas you fucking, farting robot.

RevRee said...

Dyckerson, why must you always bring up the fact that I'm now out of a job???

Mighty Dyckerson said...

TFG - I'll eat sugar plums with God, in a land that sings carols with its eyes. Where the elves can't sell their pussy...or use their toys to gold dig! Where us reindeer run free with our big antlers out!

RevRee - This isn't the time or the place.

Willo Keays said...

farting robots ... gawd .. why does that make me laugh? hahahahahahaha!

Anonymous said...

Hi !! I am a racist and hate black people!!!

RevRee said...

is that all you got to say to me???

Anonymous said...

merry pissmas.

~ Stacy ~ said...

"...and we'll cut him into frankencense."

Heh. That was funny, TFG.

Mister Dyckerson,

Bring that ham hock on over, hot stuff.

"We can do a little dance..."

Oh, and again (since this is your holiday post)...

Merry Fucking Christmas to you, too!

blog Portland said...

I suspect that grandma Dyck is in fact wrapped up in a tarp three feet beneath the tool shed.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Christ, McFatty! A little slow on the comment trigger aren't you? Are you done with your midlife crisis yet??