Come On Down, Bitch!

I have good news and bad news. First, the good news: One of my blog affiliates, Husho McWilloHushkeays will soon be making a pilgrimage to Hollywood to attend a taping of The Price is Right television game program!

Now, the bad news: I don't think Husho has ever watched the goddamn show before. Seriously, this chick couldn't tell you the price of a can of Dole pineapple slices if her fucking life depended on it! Without my help, she will likely make a complete fool of herself and bring shame and embarrassment to the Mighty Blog community. Now I don't care about that first part, but I'll be damned if I'm going to let her drag me down with her.

So let's cut the shit and get to the rules. These are all lifted verbatim from The Price is Right Code of Conduct. All audience members are expected to have these memorized, so pay attention:

  • When writing for tickets, specify your preference for seating in the w00ting or nonw00ting section.
  • Upon entering the studio, audience members are subject to random drug screenings, strip searches, and racial profiling.
  • You may look at, but not touch, the mummified corpse of Johnny Olsen on display in the studio lobby.
  • No food or beverages are allowed in the studio. A five-minute smoke break will be given after the first showcase showdown.
  • Cripples, retards, tubbies, and individuals with gross deformities will be asked to sit in the unlit section in the back of the studio.
  • Gentlemen - The third stall in the men's room is reserved for Mr. Barker. If Mr. Barker asks for your assistance in wiping himself, please oblige.
  • Ladies - The above rule applies to you as well. Mr. Barker has been known to wander into the wrong restroom from time to time.
  • Ladies - Also be aware that Mr. Barker may attempt to penetrate you with his microphone.
  • Do not look directly at Mr. Barker at any time.
  • Do not speak to Mr. Barker unless first spoken to.
  • Do not touch Mr. Barker unless he touches you first.
  • Should you be called on stage, you will play the pricing game assigned to you. No trading or swapping of pricing games is permitted.
  • Plinko chips are not edible. Please refrain from putting them in your mouth.
  • Individuals with pacemakers should not operate or stand near the Clock Game prop.
  • CBS and The Price is Right will not be held legally responsible in the event that the yodeling mountain climber exposes himself to you.
  • If you feel the urge to kiss Mr. Barker, you may do so gently on his right cheek; however, no licking or open mouthed kisses are permitted.
  • Should Mr. Barker be heckled by an African American or other ethnic audience member, Mr. Barker reserves the right initiate a racial tirade (a.k.a. "meltdown") against said audience member. For this reason, all cell phones, camera phones, and other communication and recording devices are strictly prohibited in the studio.
  • Any audience member who is caught shouting quotes from Happy Gilmore will be spayed and/or neutered immediately.
  • If Mr. Barker should fart in your general direction, you will inhale deeply and politely compliment Mr. Barker on the aroma.
  • If Mr. Barker should lose control of his bladder during taping, production will be suspended while his pants are blow-dried by the model of his choosing.
  • Audience members wishing to sue Mr. Barker for sexual harassment shall form a line behind door number two after the show.

That's it, Husho. I suggest you adhere to these rules. CBS pages are trained to shoot on sight, and they will not hesitate to do so. Have a great time!!!


Willo Keays said...

Wow! A post dedicated to me! I've moved up in the World of Dyckerson - my friends. All that stalking has FINALLY paid off!

Now ... you said PLINKO chips were not edible. What's PLINKO? And who is this Mr. Barker person?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Christ. We're all screwed.

Anonymous said...

Good luck Willo. Heed Mighty D's advice, and you might score. Bring me back a Price Is Right model (preferably one that hasn't been tainted by Mr. Barker's harrassment).

Anonymous said...


It's Me, Maven... said...

Mr. Barker's microphone has an oscillating end, which gets into all those hard to reach spots, kinda like a gerbil on a stick.

So, I've heard...

jmeped said...

What if your an old, retarded tubbo who likes to be licked while blow drying your pants?

Anonymous said...

I've heard that Bob's mike is ribbed for her pleasure.

~ stacy ~ said...

I'll take Door #2.

"The Price is wrong, Bitch!"


Anonymous said...

One additional rule: If anyone attempts to woo one of Barker's Beauties, they will be spayed and/or neutered.

andy said...

Say hi to Rod Roddy for me!

speaking of tubbies...

although i suppose dying will take off a few pounds...

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Rod Roddy is DEAD.

Anonymous said...

I have no problem with anything on that list. Im going...

andy said...


Thanks again D for ruining yet ANOTHER childhood dream.

It's like you're my own personal sweatshop.