Christmas '06: Gift Recap

Another Christmas has come and gone. For Dyckerson, Christmas is a time for giving...as in, other people giving me stuff. Each year following the big holiday, I like to take time to review the presents I have received. I will be rating each gift on a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being fantastic and 1 being utter crap). I will then take the average score for each present giver and use it to determine who I love the most. Let's begin.

From Mother Dyckerson:
A flashlight - One of those hand crank flashlights that require no batteries. A handy but cheapass item. (6.5)
A bottle of cologne - My body gives off its own naturally sweet aroma (just ask RevRee). Therefore I do not need cologne. Nor can I return it, because I have no idea where the fuck it came from. And if I ask her, she'll know what I'm up to. This is going in the re-gifting pile. ( 3.7)
A tin of store-bought cookies - I haven't tried them yet, so I have no idea how to rate this. For now, I'm going straight down the middle with this one. (5.0)
SCORE = 5.07

From Father Dyckerson:
A miniature Jeep Wrangler Rubicon - A nice thought, but it doesn't look anything like the actual DyckMobile, which is bronze in color and isn't a Rubi. Plus, mine has full doors...not the crappy half doors with the vinyl zip-up windows. Let's do a little better next time. ( 8.2)
A sweat suit - I actually asked for this. As predicted, he didn't get the kind I like. But he included a gift receipt in the box, so all is well. (7.7)
$150 cash - Other relatives, take note. This is what I call a Christmas present! ( 10.0)
SCORE = 8.63

From Brother Dyckerson:

A book about movies - What, are you kidding??! This fucking thing must be 500 pages long! And I can count on one hand how many movies I watched this year. (3.1)
A book about The Simpsons - Get a clue. I haven't watched that fucking show in ten years. ( 1.9)
A joke catalog for the Acme Supply Co. - Remember the Road Runner cartoons where Wile E. Coyote would order shit from Acme? Neither do I. (2.3)
$50 gift card to Borders - I guess my brother did all his shopping in one store this year. That's OK, I like gift cards - almost as good as cash. And at least now I know where to return the three books! ( 9.6)
SCORE = 3.00

From Niece Dyckerson (Age 6):
A wall-mounted key hook thing - I keep my keys in my pocket or on my dresser, but now I own this stupid thing. Her parents told me she picked it out herself, and I believe them. What a worthless piece of shit. But I guess I have to hang it up in case they come over. I'm going to use the hooks to display pictures of children I like better. ( 1.4)
A can of silly string - Finally, a present I can actually use! I used up my last can during a lovemaking session with Jmeped. This will come in handy in Beginning Clown I. I'll be the envy of all my classmates! ( 9.9)
A rock-hard boner - Yes, this is the same niece who aroused me on Thanksgiving by repeatedly jumping on my lap. Well she did it again yesterday, and I do believe her pelvic gyration talents have improved. Sometimes the best gifts can't be bought in stores. ( 8.2)
SCORE = 6.33

Well that's it. The scores have been calculated, and this year's winner is Father Dyckerson! That means the old man will be the recipient of all my love for the next 364 days. The rest of you can go to Hell.

Thursday on The Mighty Blog:

We'll begin counting down the top ten posts of 2006!
Will your favorite post make the list?? Tune in and find out, shitheads!!


Anonymous said...

You mean there are people out there who would give you gifts that don't require penicillin?

Anonymous said...

Dear god dyck. You wear cologne? That is pretty gay dude.

What year is that jeep? I have had a few jeeps.. Is that a custom color?

You shouldnt blame your brother for doing that one day shopping thing. He was probably getting some hole.

Jmeped is a guy. He lives at his moms dumbass.

Anonymous said...

I liked the Lolita bit at the end.

You perv.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Ann - You must be one of KarlaBabble's cohorts.

Bostuck - Better cologne than ass butter, my friend. The jeep is a 2002. I bought it from the original owner, who had it custom ordered. Betsy and I fit very comfortably in the back seat...

Merkin - I can't help it, my wang has a mind of its own.

Anonymous said...

Nope. I actually know none of these people at all. I caught onto one blog and followed a trail over to yours...

Guess I like the abuse.

What is ass butter?

DykesDog said...

Mighty Dyckerson,

You mentioned nothing about the subscription that I got you to "On Our Backs".

I am hurt.

blog Portland said...

You are such a horrible person.

Yet here I am again.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Ann - Read this.

Dyke - I was hoping for a subscription to Oprah magazine.

McFatty - Flattery will get you everywhere, my friend.

Anonymous said...

Dyck - Wow - is all I can say. I guess life is pretty good when you don't have a story like that to live down. Holy fuck.

#2 - No one gave you Dick in a Box for Xmas? Seems like a natural thing to do
No Re-gifting on this one

Crashtest Comic said...

What a gay christmas.

Anonymous said...

Tell me about it CTC

Mel said...

whats with you and the nice boners hey?

My dad got one of those flashlights too...
I didn't realize it came from my grandma (I shoulda known though) who was sitting in the room and I proclaimed...

who got you that shit?

The other highlight of the day??
When my five year old started singing her own rendition of jingle bells and somehow managed to include some lyrics about santa playing with his Dick.
No, seriously thats what she said.

I of course, nearly choked on my merlot when she said that to my good christian mother. hehe.

Hey tell your dad he can adopt me for $150 next year, k?
happy belated *insert random holiday greeting shit here*

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Ann - In my case, it would have to be more like "Dick in a Piano Crate"...if you know what I'm saying.

Comic/Bostink - Stop shitting all over my Christmas. Especially you, Bostink. You know what I'm talking about.

Mel - No one cares about your Christmas. This is MY blog, about ME. ME, ME, ME.

Anonymous said...

Well, every man has his price, and Mighty's price is whatever dad spent, and even all the pelvic gyrations a 6-year-old can muster up can equal that. Merry X-Mas, Mighty.

Mel said...

haha yeah I did talk alot.. holy fuck.
I'd ask you how your Christmas was but Oh wait.. this was the post on yours so there goes that question.
Oh wait.. here's one:
Big plans for new years?
other then getting your nice to sit on your lap??

RevRee said...

Dyckerson said: "My body gives off its own naturally sweet aroma (just ask RevRee)."

Yeah, I've been washing for months and I still can't get the smell off me!!!!

Anonymous said...

Hold on there, sugarbritches - that flashlight will definitely come in handy for your frequent gerbil extractions.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Dr. NoiseLiquid - With 150 clams, I can buy all the pelvic gyrations I need down at the Paper Moon.

Mel - Step away from the egg nog.

TFG - They're hamsters, you idiot.

Manola Blablablanik said...

Dyckerson! I meant to send you an orange squirting pool toy with my womanly scent all over it! I sent it via Fed Ex and I guess I understand why it never got to you as he obviously has had enough of Britney's vagina.

Oh well.

Anonymous said...

Where the fuck are Grandpa Dykerson's gifts and associated rating?