11/03/2006

This Country is Fucked

The other day, while preparing for yet another fun-filled day in cubicle hell, I happened to have the TV on. (I always like to see what Matt Lauer is wearing so we don't clash.) Anyway, while I was sculpting my beautiful hair, I saw another one of them drug commercials. It was an ad for an exciting new prescription medication that's sweeping the nation. The name? Requip.

You've probably seen the ads. The makers of Requip claim it treats sufferers of a condition known as...get this...Restless Legs Syndrome. I shit you not. There is actually a fucking disease called Restless Legs Syndrome (or for those of you with Lazy Tongue Disorder, RLS).


I know it sounds like complete bullshit. But let's suspend our disbelief and educate ourselves, shall we? Lucky for us, the fine folks at the RLS Foundation (yes, they have a FOUNDATION) have their own web site, which I swear to you is for real.

According to their web site, here are the telltale symptoms of Restless Legs Syndrome:
  • You have a strong urge to move your legs which you may not be able to resist.
  • Your RLS symptoms start or become worse when you are resting.
  • Your RLS symptoms get better when you move your legs.
  • Your RLS symptoms are worse in the evening, especially when you are lying down.
I'd like to call special attention to bullet number three: Your RLS symptoms get better when you MOVE YOUR LEGS.

Okay, let me get this straight. So you have restless legs...then you MOVE THEM...then your legs ARE NOT RESTLESS ANY MORE??!! Well so much for suspending disbelief. This is indeed COMPLETE BULLSHIT.

Patient: Doctor, doctor! Please help me! When I lay on the couch for extended periods of time, my legs become restless!!
Doctor:
Have you tried...I don't know...GETTING OFF YOUR LAZY ASS and MOVING THEM AROUND??!

Patient: Yeah, and that helps, but it's too much trouble. If only there was a pill I could take...
Doctor:
Say no more. Now there is!

Patient:
Oh, thank you doctor! And thank YOU, Requip!!!


I am now TOTALLY CONVINCED that the pharmaceutical companies are INVENTING DISEASES just to sell drugs. In fact, I wouldn't be a bit surprised if they actually came up with the drugs first, and then thought of diseases to go along with them. I'll bet you a week's pay that Requip was originally supposed to be a male enhancement drug. It didn't work, but during testing, patients complained that they became PARALYZED FROM THE WAIST DOWN. Six months later, GlaxoSmithKlinePfizilever makes a sizable, tax-deductible donation to launch the "RLS Foundation." And six months after that, Requip commercials hit the airwaves.

But fear not, RLS suffers! You no longer have to suffer from your made-up disease in silence. According to the RLS web site, there are over 100 RLS support groups in the U.S. and Canada! Can you imagine what THOSE meetings must be like?? Picture a bunch of losers sitting in metal folding chairs arranged in a semicircle. Now picture a bunch of losers sitting in metal folding chairs arranged in a semicircle...and their legs are twitching like mad! Honestly, I am tempted to sign up myself just so I can witness it. I'll invest in a pair of steel-toed boots and walk around the room kicking people in the groin!!! ("Oops, sorry about that! The ole Restless Legs Syndrome is acting up tonight!")

Oh, and did I mention this? Requip isn't just for adults. Kids can take it too! Just make sure it doesn't interact with their Ritalen!!

But beware, pillheads - there are side effects. According to the Requip web site, the most commonly reported are NAUSEA, DROWSINESS, VOMITING, and DIZZINESS. Well gee whiz. I don't know about you, but I think I'll just STICK WITH THE RESTLESS LEGS!!!

That's it, I'm inventing my own disease. I'm calling it HOT POKER IN THE ASS Syndrome. It's for people who have hot pokers in their asses, but who would rather not go to the trouble of removing them. The drug is already on the market. It's called Tylenol...and you'll need a shitload of it.


34 comments:

Mr. Fabulous said...

You should alternate hot pokers with cold.

You know, heat and ice, heat and ice.

the dude said...

That disease should not be confused with the Red Hot Poker in the Eye Disease.

~ Stacy ~ said...

OMGawd! I laughed so hard I nearly peed myself. Do they have a pill for that?

ecp said...

Dare I leave a compliment, but this was your finest work in some time. Insanely hilarious! Or maybe I'm just stoned.

Good job, chap.

Willo Keays said...

Hubby had RLS :(

I'll read this again later .... I'm sure it's very funny :D

tfg said...

I'm convinced that if they found a cure for cancer, the only way that we'd see it is if it was more profitable to cure cancer than allow it to continue.

puerileuwaite said...

Then you probably don't want to hear about my "Restless Middle Leg Syndrome", or "RMLS" for you ladies out there.

Apparently the only temporary relief is to sheath it in a moist, warm (and preferably tight) place; provided courtesy of a non-related, reasonably attractive female host.

Pray for me as I seek a momentary respite from the chronically painful* (* there's been lots of swelling) condition.

Mel said...

You and Puggy should take your act on the road. thats some funny shit.

~I'm assuming now because you put such an emphasise on your hair, you're bald right? & thats not a bad thing, I like bald guys.

oh &


I'm not good at that linking in the comments shit the spammers seem to like but here: http://thoughtsfromadykesdog.blogspot.com/2006/09/am-i-going-insane.html

you know, just fyi.

~ Stacy ~ said...

"RMLS..."

[chuckle] That was quite clever and funny, Puerileuwaite. Although, I've heard that a nice cold shower will take care of that swelling, as well.

Yeah, him. said...

Have I stated lately how much I hate the hypochondriacs creation machine that is the drug manufacturing world?

Bastards.

Maybe I just need to find a way to be like Homer Simpson when he went on disability.

jmeped said...

Toothless smoker co-worker thinks she has that! Maybe if she moved them she wouldn't weigh 200 pounds. This was funny, I thought the same thing when they said PMS was a disease. It's called I can be a bitch because my uterus is falling out, what's your excuse?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Mr. Fab - How about just leaving a room temperature poker in all the time?

Stacy - No, but they do have some undergarments.

ECP - You're just stoned. But thanks anyway.

Willo - Get stoned before you read it. Worked for ECP.

TFG - They have a cure for cancer. They just can't agree on what cutesy name to call the pills.

P - I've had that condition for years. I can usually cure it with a picture of Pud, some Vaseline, and my right hand.

Mel - I have a full, lucious head of hair, thank you very much.

Yeah - Who the fuck is Homer Simpson?

Jmeped - You're such a cute lesbian. I don't think of PMS as a disease...it's more of a lifestyle choice.

Luck o' the Irish said...

I vote for hot poker up the NOSE, Egyptian style!

yo hoe bottle of rum said...

I work in a pharmacy and you would not believe that some drugs such a proscar that treats prostatic hyperplasia, when touched by a female who is pregant and cause there male fetus to be born with severe problems with there male genitalia. pretty crazy...

flic said...

You're definitely onto something here!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Yo Hoe - Proscar? Is that anything like Nascar? If I take it, will I grow an irresistable urge to wear tank tops and worship Dale Earnhart?

Willo Keays said...

No ... to be a true NASCAR fan ... you wear a "WIFE BEATER" not a tank top. Tank tops are for girls. Are you saying you want to be a girl?

DykesDog said...

Mighty Dyck, I love this post. I went to the doctor a little over a month ago because I could not sleep. I told him that all day I felt like I was crawling out of my skin. I said NOTHING about my legs, because, there was NOTHING to tell. But the Doc said that I had RLS. I said WTF, my legs are fine, just give me something to put my ass to sleep. I took the Requip, and now I sleep like a baby. BUT, I bet the doc is getting one hell of a kick back for prescribing this new found cure for a new found disease! I don't care as long as I get to sleep.

andy said...

Seriously, when Paxil came out, the drug for shy people or whatever, it was supposed to help you with dealing with large groups. But i'm totally NOT even lying AT ALL, but the commercials listed one side effect as "explosive diarrhea." Tell me that THAT doesn't make your social anxiety ease up...

Anonymous said...

I heard that you open up the pill box and it's just a big-ass rope to tie your legs together and a self-help book for hypochondriacs.

Willo Keays said...

Paxil just makes you feel stoned. Not that I've ever been stoned .. but seriously - I took Paxil for 2 weeks and I felt like I was flying outside of myself - like I was hovering above myself looking down. It sucked!

Oh .... there's no reason I was taking Paxil. stop looking at me like I'm crazy or something!

tfg said...

Explosive diarrhea?!? Jesus, where can I get some of this stuff?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Willo - I will not dignify that comment with a response.

Dyke - Yep, sounds like your doc was trying to make a quota. Write 50 prescriptions for Requip and get a free set of golf clubs.

Andy - I know a few people with explosive diarrhea of the mouth. They seem to thrive around large groups...and TV cameras.

Willo - Paxil makes you feel stoned??! Hmmm...maybe I need to make a doctor's appointment!

minwah said...

Isn't that a fucked up disease?? I hate those commercials....I feel like I need to get up and walk across the room ever time they come on....

blog Portland said...

I'm sure that most of these "diseases" have been around for some time now. The only difference is that they used to be treated with a firm backhand and a commanding "Man up!"

I do, however, like this video.

DykesDog said...

I am voting today. I am writing Mighty Dykerson in every slot!

the dude said...

You think explosive dirrahea is bad try having implosive.

Anonymous said...

Sounds great, just throw in a few Imodium and I won't have to get out of bed for days!

Willo Keays said...

Dyckums ... you know you love it when I stalk you.

Matty ... aren't you a cutie pie ;)

Harris said...

Yeah, my ex occasionally gets restless legs. It's like if your leg is asleep, but instead of it feeling tingly, your nerves go crazy and it moves. Like parkinson's makes you move uncontrollably, but with this if you get control of your leg the effect goes away.

Anonymous said...

well... I actually have RLS. Have had it for about 9 years. For the first 5 or 6 I thought it was some reaction to msg - seriously. A couple of years ago I was prescribed clonazopan (sp), which worked great, but would cause me to sleep 10 - 12 hours, and drag ass all day. This Requip actually works well. My problem with it is - if you drink, (and I do - a lot) you get the worst hangovers, and I'm talking after 3 or 4 drinks! I did find great humor in all the above comments!

Anonymous said...

The only thing sensible to say to you is FUCK YOU! or KISS MY ASS! It's ignorant uneducated assholes like yourself that spout off about things they know absolutely nothing about.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, anything for a laugh on the Internet. The only place in the world you don't have to back up your ridiculous bullshit with actual facts.

Anonymous said...

Your an idiot, you gothic nigger bitch, you dont have a clue of what the fuck your talking about, the pills are for when you go to sleep at night, i suffer from this and your a total dumbass gives people a hard time to sleep since it seems like there foot is straining or twitching from the 'inside' of your foot, your a fucking idiot, next time read more about what ever the hell your talking about and actually feed us the right type of information you dumb faggot. All that you said was total bullshit.