11/12/2006

A Star is Born

The Dyckerson household is brimming with excitement tonight, my friends! I just got the call a few minutes ago. Ladies and germs, my ass has been tapped.....to be the new host of The Price is Right, that is!!!

Yes, you read correctly. I am just as surprised as you are. My money was on Chuck Woolery, but apparently he's stuck in a 3-year contract to host fishing lure infomercials. Sucks to be him.

Actually, I've been after that gig for over 10 years now...ever since I heard the news about Bob Barker getting stoned and banging all the models on the show. I remember thinking to myself, "Dyckerson, if that old fossil can still get it done, surely you can." Well Bob, it's time for you to put your junk back in your pants...'cause there's a new Dyck in town!

Of course, the producers will have to agree to a few changes before I sign all the paperwork. I'm still working on my proposal, but here's my list so far:

  • I will hand-pick the contestants for each show. My selections will be based on their pricing skills, their enthusiasm, and most importantly, their cup size. In addition, I will replace the signature phrase "Come on down" with the much hipper "Get up bitch."
  • Despite technological advances, Barker still uses a goddamn hardwire handheld mic. Well I refuse to spend an hour every day grasping and speaking into something that looks like a black dildo. Instead, my microphone shall be wireless and shaped like a vagina.
  • You know that retarded game with the yodelling mountain climber homo? Well fuck him. Fuck him to death. The mountain climber will be replaced with an Iraqi suicide bomber...and the mountain will be replaced with a building filled with innocent women and children. The object of the game: To keep the suicide bomber from crashing his car into the building and killing them all. A little controversial for daytime, you say?? Well you just tell that to our brave men and women fighting overseas.
  • Then there's that stupid beeping wheel. Kiss that piece of shit goodbye. In its place, the players' scores in the showcase showdown will be determined by giant dart board. Each player will be required to drink three shots of tequila and throw a flaming dart at the board. High scorer goes to the showcase.
  • Of course, everyone's favorite game is Plinko, and I have no intention of getting rid of it. However, I will make one slight modification. As the game is currently played, contestants drop a series of wooden discs down a board penetrated by sharp spikes to win money. The sharp spikes will remain, but the wooden discs will now be replaced by adorable little puppies. Should make things more interesting.
  • And that brings me the closing line: "Have your pet spayed or neutered." What is this shit all about? What is this fascination Bob Barker has with animal genitalia?? I say we focus more on human genitalia. Try this closing line on for size: "Have your privates sucked and licked." Now that's a signoff I can really get behind!!

I know I'm not supposed to start until next fall, but I just can't wait to get in there and put my ideas in place. What I need to do is get rid of the old man before he changes his mind about retiring. Hmm...can anybody tell me the retail price of a bottle of rat poison???

19 comments:

Willo Keays said...

Please! Please, oh PLEASE tell me you're hosting on December 12th!!!!

But ... can we keep Plinko the same until AFTER I play?

K? Thanks!

~ Stacy ~ said...

Puppies as Plinko discs! Bwahahahahahahaha Ha!

My husband just shot me a sidelong glance and said, "You're sick."

[heh]

btw... That yodelling mountain climber homo game is MY favorite! Love it. Could you make the Iraqi suicide bomber yodel while he drives? Otherwise, it just won't be as much fun.

tfg said...

Surely, you'll be replacing the Showcase Showdown with Johnson Jousting.

DykesDog said...

Can I still win cars or will you do something to them to make them blow up as I get in them or something?

I will have to get cable now. Do you plan on paying that new bill for me?

andy said...

I thought Price is Right was on Network....oh well...

Rat Poison-$25 on Ebay, but that seems a bit much. Just yank his Metamucil and he'll keel right over. Sounds dirty when you read that aloud.

And my favourite is that stupid golfing game, 'Hole In 1', where, when the fuckers miss the first shot like they do everytime, they just turn over the thing that says 'OR TWO!'. Ass holes. I say it's hole in one or you have to get strapped to the Dartboard of Mexican Horror you so eloquently described.

Mel said...

Rat Poison? mmmmm
I'm uhhh (turns to look at crowd/ makes hand signals, flips the bird to random asshole)
I'm going to bid $5.29 Dyck!

You're my hero if you do the flaming dart shit. I'm game. but I'm only a C cup so...
I'm assuming my Charming personality (and a blowjob behind showcase #2) will get me on as a contestant.

blog Portland said...

So instead of "Barker's Beauties," it'll now be "Dykerson's DD Cups?"

Manola Blablablanik said...

You should rename it to The Price is Dykerson!

jmeped said...

I'm only a single D, can I still bid? I love the line, Stand up Bitch. Funny stuff clown.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Willo - Actually I believe Randolph Mantooth is guest hosting that day.

Stacy - I can make yodelling sounds with my armpits. Shall I demonstrate?

TFG - But that wouldn't be fair to the women. Or the Asians.

Dyke - Cars will still be given away, but you better bring your own gas.

Andy - In my version of Hole in One, the "hole" will be a vagina. Guess what the golf ball will be!

Mel - Get yourself some implants and you could be walking the Golden Road!

McFatty - I was thinking of hiring all lesbian models and calling them Dyck's Dykes.

Manola - Now that's just stupid.

Jmeped - There will always be a place for you in my life, my darling. Now finish bleaching my shorts.

Luck o' the Irish said...

And just WHAT kind of merchandise will they be "pricing"? If you can tear yourself away from your microphone.

DykesDog said...

WTF is up with all the pop ups. Did you join the, "Pennies For Porn Foundation". I hope you dontae your money to the RLS Charity!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Irish - You know, just the usual groceries and household items - condoms, KY, dildos, butt plugs, etc...

Dyke - What the hell you talkin' about popups??! You must have spyware in your cache...or cache in your spyware.

jmeped said...

listen I'm tired, and I'm especially tired of looking at barkers boobies.

Mel said...

The Price Is Wrong, Bitch!!!

karla said...

I'm still stuck on the phrase "the Dyckerson household." I'm picturing a cardboard box near the bus station.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Ooooh, you crazy babbler! You are SOOO going to get it now.....

jmeped said...

goddamit!!!! I am drunk and need solace from the dad and these fucking tits are still here!!!!!!!!!!! NEVER MIND I'm going to pugs......

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Jmeped, you precious lesbian. I hope you enjoy my new titless post.