Pedophiles, Homos, and Freaks

Are any of you crotchsniffers old enough to remember a show called Mr. Wizard's World? It was an edukational program for kids that aired on Nickelodeon back in the 80's. Mr. Wizard was this really old dude...who had no apparent job...who lived by himself...and who routinely invited young children to his house to conduct "scientific experiments."

That's right, Mr. Wizard was a pedophile.

I don't know what got me to thinking about that show, but looking back now, I can't help thinking how incredibly creepy that guy was. Every show would start the same: Mr. Wizard would be in his kitchen washing dishes or baking cookies or whatever. Then some random kid off the street would barge in through the back door. One thing led to another, and before you knew it, the "science" would begin...

Random Kid: Hi, Mr. Wizard! What's shakin'??!
Mr. Wizard: Come here, Timmy. I want to show you something.
Random Kid: My name is Steve!
Mr. Wizard: Timmy, today I want to teach you about the law of gravity.
Random Kid: I already know about that. I'm 13 years old.
Mr. Wizard: Shut up, you little bastard. Now here, unbuckle my belt and watch what happens.
Random Kid: (Unbuckles belt) Hey, your pants fell down!
Mr. Wizard: Yes, Timmy. That's gravity. Now we're going to learn about friction. Here, rub Mr. Wizard's lizard.
Random Kid: Hey Mr. Wizard, why are there pork rinds all over the floor??

About this time, Mother Dyckerson would make me take out the trash and do my homework. But you get the idea. My question is, how the hell did they get away with this shit?? A strange old geezer letting kids into his house unsupervised? Where did these kids come from, and where were their parents? Were they all orphans and runaways??!

Clearly a show like this would not fly today. Nor would Mr. Roger's Neighborhood...a show about an effeminate man who played with puppets, sang gay songs, and partially disrobed on camera. I was never a big fan of this show when I was little - even then I knew the man was as queer as a three-legged monkey, and I wanted nothing to do with that. Besides, there's something a little bizarre about a man who keeps a fully functioning traffic light in his living room.

And don't get me started on Captain Kangaroo! Talk about queer, that guy was as gay as a french horn. Every day he wore a bright red jacket and hung out with a guy who called himself "Mr. Shinypants" or whatever it was. They were probably the first openly gay couple on television...if you don't count Bert & Ernie from Sesame Street.

Geez, with all the homos and pedophiles I had to deal with growing up, it's a wonder I turned out to be such a normal, well adjusted man...


Little Lamb said...

Nickelodeon was around in the 1980's? I never knew that! That must have been before my time!

You must be old!

jmeped said...

You know you loved you some mister green jeans!! This is so freaking funny!!! ESpecially when youir drunk!!! You are so mad you don't live next door right now!!!

Willo Keays said...

normal and well adjusted. Hahahahaha!

tfg said...

I know precisely what you are talking about. I'm still traumatized by the reach-arounds that Mr. Snuffleupagus used to give me as a tyke.

puerileuwaite said...

Mr. Green Jeans was way cool. You just KNOW that he had an illegal moonshine still out back. Either that, or he snared unsuspecting tourists and processed them into meat products. Either way, he was okay in my book.

Captain Kangaroo was cool. So was the moose. The ping pong ball gag (though it's better in Mexico) was always fun.

But one of my favorite shows was "Brinkman's World". I so wanted to slip my test tube of DNA into the girl(s) who served as his assistant. Plus, he was hip enough to show you - on the sly - how to construct your own Meth Lab.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Lambo - I'm not talking about nickelodeons, which were around in your era. "Nickelodeon" is a cable TV channel. Maybe /t can explain it to you.

TFG - Oh come now. It was probably the only action you ever got back then.

P - Yeah, that's Mr. Green Jeans. He was also a big proponent of "medicinal marijuana."

DykesDog said...

You forgot to mention, "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory", oh wait, sorry Mighty Dyck, I forgot he was your hero!

Anonymous said...

Hey, those kids that wandered in off the streets and into Mr. Wizard's kitchen learned about SCIENCE, damn it! Sure, they couldn't sit for a while, but no pain no gain is what he always told me.

Willo Keays said...

Leave Wonka out of this conversation!! Wonka was NOTHING like these others! NOTHING!!!!!!

ecp said...

Is this your coming out story, Dyck?

yournamehere said...

I was briefly on a kid's show. I was Slim Goodbody's arch nemesis, Fat Badbody. And as for Slim...queer as a football bat.

Anonymous said...

The removal of a sweater warranted "disrobing"? It may have turned you on, Dyke, but I think you were alone on that.

Gay children's programming award goes to Today's Special, hands down. Full on make up and impeccable hair, plus a beret. The guy on that show knew the meaning of after hours fun.


Mel said...

oh shit, I nearly pee'd I was laughing so hard at this post.

(uhhh yeah so anyway)

I remember todays special... that dude who played "Jeff" later went on to star in *gasp* Canadian theatre productions like the Phantom of the Opera. Gee, //rolling eyes//, didn't see that one comin like a freakin mile away!!

Mr Rogers was a freak but man, you never knew "Childrens performers on Crack" until you saw Charlotte Diamond perform mkay?

Oh btw, wasn't Mr Rogers like a minister or something too...

... thoughts fade off to more recent news...

just sayin.

Pud said...

I never liked Mr. Rogers either. There WAS something disturbing about him taking off his shoes and shirt everyday.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Dyke - Don't be dissin' Willy Wonka. That man could pack fudge like nobody's business!

Dr. K - It's hard to sit with a giant test tube wedged in your ass crack...or so I'm told.

ECP - Quiet, you big strong handsome man.

YourName - Please tell me you didn't wear a flesh colored body suit with your organs painted on it.

Ann - Never heard of Today's Special. Are you talking about Willard Scott?

Mel - Never heard of Charlotte Diamond either. But I understand her son Dustin has a new video out. I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Pud - You're absolutely right. Now show me your ta-tas!

andy said...

I loved Mr. Rogers. Take that for whatever, but he was awesome.

2ndly, anyone who gets that many balls dropped over their head on purpose deserves to be ridiculed. So Right on!

~ Stacy ~ said...

I wanted to be Mr. Rogers neighbor. But only 'cuz I wanted to ride the choo-choo into the Neighborhood of Make-Believe, overthrow the royal family and rule as Supreme Majesty-Highness of Make-Believe for all time.