11/19/2006

If I Did It...

Say what you will about O.J. Simpson. Sure, we all know he hacked his wife and Ron Goldman to death in cold blood. But that man is a frigging GENIUS! Seriously, who else could have hatched a plan to confess his guilt to the world...without actually confessing anything...and potentially get paid millions of bucks for doing so? O.J., you are my hero!!!

In fact, I'm going to take a page from his book and do a little non-confessing of my own. So make yourselves nice and comfy and prepare to be pooned.*

First off, I'm not saying I masturbate at work. But if I did masturbate at work, I would probably use the handicapped stall on the third floor, not the one on the sixth floor where I work...for fear that my co-workers may recognize my shoes and catch on to my little game. And I would probably masturbate in the morning, before anybody had a chance to take a poon and stink up the joint. But again, that's only if I masturbated at work.

And while we're on the subject, I'm not saying I jizzed on the mashed potatoes at the company-catered Thanksgiving lunch last year. But if I did, I would probably do it two or three times for good measure. And I might have done it in the supply closet next to the kitchen so no one would see me.

Next, I'm not saying I once sold my piece of shit '84 Pontiac Fiero, which had a history of overheating and catching on fire, to some schmuck on eBay who flew a thousand miles to pick it up. And I'm not saying he didn't even make it across the state line before the fucking thing blew up on his ass. And I'm not saying I pooned all the way to the bank with his $1,200 cash. I'm not saying that at all.

Oh, and I'm not saying I once ate entire package of Oscar Meyer hot dogs in one sitting. But if I did eat an entire package of Oscar Meyer hot dogs, I might have spent the entire day puking and shitting in a wide assortment of colorful plastic containers. And one of those colorful plastic containers might have accidentally spilled on the floor and stained the carpet. And instead of cleaning the carpet, I might have simply covered the stain with a cheap throw rug. Of course, I'm not saying any of this actually happened.

Now I'm not saying I have a phony handicapped sticker on my car so I can get the best parking spaces. But if I did have a phony handicapped sticker, I might have gotten it from my friend Dirk the alcoholic who works down at the DMV in exchange for a case of beer.

And finally, I'm not saying I slept with my roommate's girlfriend back in college. But if I did sleep with her, I would probably poon her at her place, so as to prevent my roommate from finding us. And I might have gotten her drunk beforehand to loosen her up a bit, because she might have been a little nervous at first. And if my roommate ever confronted me about it, I might have lied through my teeth.

Okay, that last one totally happened. Five times. There, I might feel better now.



* I have no idea what the fuck "pooned" means. I just heard it somewhere and it sounded good, so I decided I absolutely had to work it into a blog post.

21 comments:

Anonymous said...

Did you really cuff it into the mash potatos three times? If you did you are my hero.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious. Those guys on the third floor have a phantom materbater on their hands. They're like, "Does he even work here?" That is, IF you actually do that . . .

Gosh, O.J., off-hand confessions are fun!

~ Stacy ~ said...

This is why you get the shed, Mister Dyckerson. Non-confession, psychotic clown if's are not conducive to covert shed-to-bed rendevous. ...And I'm not saying any such pooning would have occured, mind you. I'm merely pointing out the disadvantage of publicly pooning your if's.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Bostick - I'm not saying I will answer that question, but if I did, the answer might be yes.

Dr. K - Let's just hope they never take DNA samples from the bathroom floor...

Stacy - Well can we poon in the shed then?

Pud said...

I saw someone stick their dick into the mash potatoes at a military Thanksgiving dinner. Good thing I got some mash potatoes before they did that.

DykesDog said...

This is why I, 1. never use the restroom in public and 2. I never, EVER, eat at company dinners!

Anonymous said...

Mighty D, both you and O.J. have inspired me to make my own "If I Did It" porn video with Dykesdog. I still have to finish the screenplay, but so far I have a "Do The Mashed Potato" dance number all set for the final climax.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Pud - Sometimes when you don't have a spoon, you have to improvise.

Dyke - You are so wise. I would also avoid the tartar sauce at fast food restaurants if I were you.

P - Good for you. I can't wait til the soundtrack comes out.

Baron Ectar said...

Dear God - I am so glad I am a farmer and work alone.

Manola Blablablanik said...

Bottle up you jiz and send me some. I'm on a lo-carb diet!

tfg said...

Mashed potatoes? That's common. I always pegged you as a rice pudding man.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Bacon - You're a farmer??? Gee, what's it like being poor?

Manola - Consider it done. Makes a great hair gel too.

TFG - Please. That would be disgusting.

Anonymous said...

Baron is a farmer? I bet he grows Pot and poppies.

jmeped said...

Farmer baron is cool clown, your just jello because he grows his own pot, and doesn't have to score from the hooker on the corner, oh and I think pooned is what people with lisps call cuddling. Blove you!

Willo Keays said...

I might have thrown up a little in my mouth.

Baron - you're a farmer? Why all of a sudden do I find that so sexy?

blog Portland said...

Seriously Dyck, how many times do I have to eat something mixed with your homemade mayo before it stops being funny?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Jmeped - When do I get to see your pot??? ;)

Willo - You'd find it sexy if he was a septic tank cleaner.

McFatty - That would be three hundred twenty-seven times.

DykesDog said...

Happy Turkey Day Mighty Dyck. I mean if you DO Turkey Day that is ...

andy said...

Are you kidding Dyke, Dyck puts the giving in thanksgiving.

i mean so I've heard

The Production Manager said...

Hmmmm.... Get's me wondering... You would fit right in where I work, perhaps you do work there. LOL!

Anonymous said...

I think poon is slang for poonanny

Just makes your post that much better...