Gobble This

Some of you may not be aware of this, but I paid my way through reform school by working at the Butterball Hotline. As a result, I am an absolute expert when it comes to turkeys. So as a public service this Thanksgiving, I decided to take a few minutes and answer some of the most common turkey-related questions.....

Q: How long should I cook my turkey?

A: What a stupid question. Microwave your bird at full power one hour for every pound it weighs. Or, if you like a smokier flavor, strap it to your car's exhaust system and run the engine for six hours.

Q: What is the best method for carving a turkey?

A: Mother Dyckerson always used a hacksaw and lots of elbow grease. Of course, her turkeys tended to be a bit on the tough side. If you don't have a hacksaw handy, a Dremel tool or some piano wire will suffice.

Q: Michael Richards (TV's "Kramer") has accepted our invitation to be our dinner guest. Any advice on how to prepare his meal?

A: Well, I hear he's not crazy about dark meat...

Q: We plan on serving homemade pork rinds with dinner this year. How should we prepare them?

A: Try this recipe handed down to me by my Grandpa Dyckerson: Fuck an umbilical cord out of your phony asshole and hang a pig with it, while I impregnate you with my 80 year old pork rind dick. You'll give birth to a dead pig. Cut it into pork rinds, salt the dead skin and put it in plastic bags! Serves 8-10.

Q: As a prank, our teenage son dropped our frozen turkey from a highway overpass into oncoming traffic. It collided with a van filled with precious babies, killing all on board. Our problem is, our turkey is now severly mangled. Is there anything we can do to salvage our Thanksgiving meal?

A: Ah yes, kids will be kids! Yes, your bird can be saved. First off, you'll want to remove any shards of broken glass that may be embedded in the carcass. Next, bodies can become missiles in an accident...so be sure to examine the turkey for any baby body parts that may have become lodged in it. And finally, thoroughly rinse your poultry in soap and water to remove any traces of gasoline, diesel fuel, engine oil, antifreeze, transmission fluid, axle grease, road tar, blood, guts, urine, or feces. Follow these instructions and your turkey will be scrumdelicious!

Q: Any ideas for leftover turkey?

A: Take all your scraps - gristle, bones, giblets, feathers, what have you - and jam them into a blender. Add a teaspoon of tobasco sauce and a raw egg. Defecate liberally into the blender and puree for 30 seconds. Pour contents in a FedEx pack and overnight it to O.J. Simpson.

Well that's all the time we have for today. Happy Thanksgiving, you pilgrim fuckers!!!


Anonymous said...

I prefer to marinate a turkey from the inside out.

This requires lots of lube.

Care to come by for a sandwich?

I have fresh mayo..

Anonymous said...

that turkey is going right for W's gobbler!!

jmeped said...

Oh, I love you, you silly clown! This brought a much needed tear to my eye! I'm going to Dollywood for thanksgiving dinner. Since your handing out turkey day advice what do you suggest I do with this? I think Bostik wants you...no mixing of the mayo!

~ Stacy ~ said...

"... No mixing of the mayo."

[shudder] That is one image I could have done without.

Happy Thanksgiving to you, too, Mister Dyckerson!

Mel said...

nice background dude...
makes me wanna go out and spread the holiday cheer- or something.

There was some funny stuff in this post, I kinda liked it.

Happy belated turkey day Dyck. Hope you got some pie.

Anonymous said...

Post something fucker..

Johnny Menace said...

and should i fuck the front or the back.. or make a slit under wing and aim for the hole?

DykesDog said...

NOW I GET THIS, after I cooked my damn turkey. Gee thanks Mighty Dyck!

Hope you had a good one :)