11/25/2006

Calling Dateline NBC...

Something very strange happened to me on Thanksgiving. I'm not even sure I should be talking about this here, but I feel the need to unburden myself of this troubling onus. (That's ONUS...with an O.)

Anyway, my Thanksgiving tale (that's TALE...with an LE) involves my precocious 6-year-old niece whom I'll call Nice (the French pronunciation). Nice loves her Uncle Dyck, and Dyck loves his niece Nice. But Nice possesses a great deal of energy, which I can only assume is pent-up rage.

So I'm at my brother's house, and I'm sitting on the couch before lunch trying to ignore the relatives. Nice the niece decides she wants to play with her uncle. I don't mean she wants to play a game with her uncle. I mean she wants to play with her uncle.

She starts off by placing a wide variety of foreign objects on my head. A pink hat...a stuffed animal...a pair of cartoon sunglasses...a piece of dog feces. I'm a good sport, so I played along. Then Nice decides to kick it up a notch. She runs way over to the other side of the room, looks at me straight in the eye, and runs at me full force. Surely she'll stop once she reaches me, I thought. Well, I thought wrong.

Once she gets one step away from the couch, Nice takes a gigantic leap in the air and lands right in my lap. Well someone needs to teach this kid a thing or two about respecting male anatomy, because I don't normally wear a cup to Thanksgiving dinner. Just doesn't seem necessary. Christmas, however, is a different story. I've worn a cup every Christmas since my brother got that Louisville Slugger back in '82. But I digest.

Actually, by some miracle, I survived the impact with Nice, averting disaster by mere inches. It's what happened after the initial smackdown that has me a bit concerned.

Christ, how do I put this? You see, Nice was jumping up and down on my lap when I started to realize that...that something was happening to my aforementioned male anatomy. Something that normally doesn't happen til after I've consumed three bottles of Viagra and watched ten minutes of Baywatch.

Now before I continue, I want to make this absolutely clear: I am not a pedophile, nor have I ever had inappropriate thoughts of a sexual nature involving children. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But guys, you know how it is. Sometimes Mr. Happy just has a mind of his own, and there's nothing you can do to stop him. And in my case, any sensation that occurs in that general area of my body will usually result in a certain transformation that...

...Oh fuck it, my 6-year-old niece gave me a goddamn boner!!!

There, I said it. So I'm sitting there with Nice the niece on my lap, and I'm praying to God she doesn't notice and say something really loud in front of all the relatives. This was my nightmare scenario:

Nice: Hey Uncle Dyckerson, you're poking me in the butt!
Uncle Dyck: Umm...that's probably just my car keys. Heh heh.
Nice: But aren't those your keys on the counter over there?
(Relatives all turn and stare at me in shock.)
Uncle Dyck: Umm...yeah...hey, why don't you go check on the turkey??
Nice: No, I like it here! Hey Mommy! Daddy! Uncle Dyckerson is poking me in the butt!!
(At this point, my brother would bludgeon me to death with a half-frozen drumstick. At the funeral home, they'd have to drill a hole in the coffin lid to get it closed.)

Fortunately, the nightmare scenario didn't play out. Nice finally got off my lap, totally oblivious to the bulge beneath her. Not sure what that says about my endowments. But I promptly placed a nearby pillow over the crime scene until things subsided, so to speak. And I spent the remainder of the afternoon trying to think about baseball.

So that's my Thanksgiving Day story. I guess I'm really looking for some reassurance from other guys. Bostick, you've got kids, right? Has this ever happened to you? Photogguy, how about you? What about you, Bacon Eggar?? Hey Babbler, did Wombat ever get a stiffy from little Joke? I will be awaiting your candid responses...


43 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh cool, you used me in your post, thanks for that, regardless of the topic.

Interestinglty enough. I have thes condition called bonapokeastickinout.

That means I can get wood from petting a cat or dog, Looking at wilma Flintstone or cleaning a fish.

Sometimes I punch it but that only makes it worse.

And yes. I have gotten boners from kids bouncing on my lap. Every guy that has a working penis does.

karla said...

I have two things to say. First off, the "not that there's anything wrong with that" line made me laugh out loud. Second, I think you're safe--the kid probably didn't feel a thing, since the phallus in question would have to exceed the one-inch mark in order to poke her enough to arouse her attention. She probably thought one of the buttons on your shirt was poking her.

Anonymous said...

"Bacon eggar". I really like that a lot.

Anonymous said...

Hi Karla. You are soooo foxy..

Anonymous said...

Not to keep flooding your comments or anything but Dykes Dog just informed me that just now, Baron crapped his pants while walking down the stairs.

I thought you would want to know that..

CommonWombat said...

No, I never once got a stiffy from Karla's son, Jake. But that was probably because I was banging the ever-loving shit out of her dog every time she turned around.

I like 'em low, tight and hairy.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Bostick #1- Bonapokeastickinout, eh?? Thank God, I'm glad it's not just me. Is there a prescription medication I can take?

Ms. Babble - First off, you're welcome. Second, I wasn't wearing a shirt! Hah!!! Who looks silly now??!

Bostick #4 - If you mean she smells like a fox, then I agree.

Bostick #5 - Damn, I told that idiot to take the elevator.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Wombat - Low, tight, and hairy? Fine, you just stay the hell away from my grandma!

RevRee said...

When I was a little girl, my dad never let me sit on any mans lap because of this very thing...

karla said...

Hi Bostick. Thanks for the compliment. The reason Dyck disagrees is I'm older than SIX.

Anonymous said...

Don't think of it as lechery. Rather, think of it as "validating her parking".

Anonymous said...

OOOOO... I guess Karla told you.

You go girl ;)

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Rev - Well you're not a little girl anymore...some sit on Uncle Dyckie's lap and I'll tell you a bedtime story!

Ms. Babble - NOW who's jealous???

P - Yeah, but she was parked in a loading zone. (I don't even know what that means.)

Bostick - Don't encourage the crazy babbler.

Anonymous said...

Is it ok to have sex with animals?

I have a chicken that is driving me crazy with all the ass shaking.

Just asking..

~ Stacy ~ said...

Oh, Mister Dyckerson, I'm too damn tired right now to say anything witty. So I'll simply say this... It's really quite normal for men to think about baseball. You need not fret.

ajooja said...

I have been in the same situation and felt just as weird. I forced her off my lap as soon as possible and retreated from the group.

Today, I'm hoping to get my smoking hot sister-on-law on my lap. I promise not to let her off until I finish.

Anonymous said...

Being a favorite uncle to a Nice, er, neice, I too have had that problem. Very problematic.

But now that I'm married to a beautiful woman (who you claimed to be thankful for five times over Thanksgiving...which took you what, thirty seconds?), I don't have that problem anymore.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Bostick - As long as you buy them dinner first.

Stacy - You're not helping.

Ajooja - Smoking hot, eh? I'll be the judge of that. Pics please.

Photogguy - I don't believe you. Let me roll over and ask your wife for confirmation.

DykesDog said...

Please tell me that Nice isn't one of your "Rent a Rugrats" ...

Now everytime I see a pillow over a male relatives lap I will wonder what the hell they are hiding!!!

How I hope Gramps stays home for Christmas!

Baron Ectar said...

I was one of them mean ass relatives that kids hated - I always played with the grown ups so I really cannot answer this question.

Cartoons however, that was another story - I loved Daphine in Scooby Doo - now she was hot!

I never watched them with kids around though - I think that is something only a Clown would do ...

Mel said...

I'm sorry but....


this was one of my favorite sentence that whole post:

Actually, by some miracle, I survived the impact with Nice, averting disaster MY mere inches.

hahaha Freudian slip there?

as for the boner, meh.. it happens.
My fav. was in highschool seeing a guy walking down the hall holding a text book in front of him. You just knew he was tryin to walk one off.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Dyke - You best have extra pillows on hand when I come over to meet your daughter!

Bacon Eggar - Perhaps the kids were just afraid you would spontaneously defecate on them.

Mel - Whatever are you talking about? I see no Freudian slip! ;)

Anonymous said...

boring

Mighty Dyckerson said...

SUCK IT.

tfg said...

I predict a bright future in the Catholic church for you and your purple-bulbed turkey baster.

Willo Keays said...

OH MY GOD! It is so wrong that I am laughing. I will burn in Hell right along with you Mr. Dyckerson!

andy said...

Dude, Wow. I leave for a couple of days and come back to this? THIS!?!
Dear Lord. But, if you go in the pocket and point 'er upwards, I find it goes away faster. Not that that's ever happened to me.
Or that stairs-shitting thing. Never.

Manola Blablablanik said...

My mom always said, never sit on a boy's lap.

Willo Keays said...

Manola ... then you miss all the fun!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

TFG - Want to be my altar boy?

Andy - But if I pointed it upwards, I would've penetrated my niece. Or is that what you had in mind?

Manola - Then can I sit on your lap?

Willo - Do they have pillows in Hell?

Baron Ectar said...

MD -
You are one bossy fucking clown - sort of reminds me of my ex.

Pud said...

Too Damn Funny!! This could only happen to you!

Mr. Fabulous said...

Dude, did you see the sweet ass review you got at BlogLaughs?

Karla is right on top of you ;)

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Bacon Eggar - Your ex was a guy?

Pud - Welcome back! Come on over here and do some nude blogging on my lap!

Mr. Fab - Didn't you see my comment? I'll post a response here as well. Damn that babbler for beating me!!!

andy said...

For the record, that is not what I intended. YOU HEAR THAT DCFS? NOT WHAT I INTENDED!!!

andy said...

OH, and I just wanted you to know that some of us like your lites. (I just read the bloglaughs bit...kudos...not the granola bar...) I love the flashing lites and I don't even care that they give me seizures. It's worth it.

Luck o' the Irish said...

Wait, you unlocked something with your HOUSEKEYS? Ewwww. Maybe it was just the little file cabinet key...

DykesDog said...

I need to bleach my eyes!

Manola Blablablanik said...

My laps were made for your ass, baby.

minwah said...

I just pissed on myself laughing at this. I'll be right back...

minwah said...

Dude, did you see the sweet ass review you got at BlogLaughs?

Where is this site at? Can you please tell me the url? Thanks!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Andy - So YOU'RE the one who likes the lights? I'm glad SOMEONE around here has some taste...

Dyke - When you're done bleaching your eyes, be a dear and bleach my shorts. Normally Jmeped does that, but she's M.I.A.

Manola - I don't know what that means, but thank you!

Minwah - MINWAH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Check my sidebar. Third link from the top.

minwah said...

Ah ha! Thank you dahling.