11/17/2006

Be Very Afraid

I am in fear for my life. After almost 10 years of insulting and offending people online, the inevitable has finally occured. That's right, I am being stalked by a deranged psychopath.

Now I know what you're thinking: "But Dyckerson, you are a deranged psychopath!" Yes, 'tis true. And indeed I have many, many stalkers...but I'm okay with that. I mean, there's nothing wrong with a little good clean stalking amongst consenting adults. In fact, I even planted some lovely bushes in my front yard so my stalkers would have a nice place to hide. Last night, I even brought them milk and cookies.

But this stalker is completely different. She appears to be happily married...she has a delinquent son named Joke who resembles Dennis the Menace on acid...and worse yet, she lives in a state where they say shit like "yee-haw" and they have coin operated mechanical bulls on every street corner.

Oh yes, and this stalker even has her own blog. Usually she writes about innocuous things like boobs and severed hands, but do not be deceived. If you read between the lines, her blog is actually just an excuse for her to express her insatiable lust for me. But enough fooling around, I shall keep you in suspense no longer.

Ladies and gentlefuckers, meet Ms. Karla J. Babble:



I know, it's not a pretty sight, is it?? Yes, this woman is totally obsessed with yours truly. What, you don't believe me?? Here, read for yourself:

10/01/2006:
"Frankly, Mighty Dyckerson...make...Millions of women...happy. This blog is my...magnet."

11/12/2006:
"I'm a humble and simple girl...and...I wanted the opportunity to...describe Dyckerson's writing. I think...it...clearly intelligent and profound...a goddamn genius!"


Still don't believe me?? I continue: This highly demented, deeply disturbed individual likes to force her son Joke to dress in women's clothing and parade him around in public for the world to see:




My thoughts and prayers go out to that poor child. Oh, the hours and hours of intense therapy he will undoubtedly require to overcome this trauma. (As an aside, I do find it curious that Joke is only 2 years old, yet he already has a bigger rack than his mommy.)

And this is the icing on the cake. This morning when I got out of bed, I drowsily stumbled to my window to greet the day. And here's what I saw when I raised the shade:




Now I ask you, is this the kind of behavior you'd expect from a normal, well-adjusted adult? I think not. Friends, I am calling on you for your help. Anybody out there have a spare bedroom where I could crash for a few weeks? I don't feel safe in my home anymore...


21 comments:

karla said...

What is this, amateur night? As far as blog post attacks go, this one is a softball.

tfg said...

I don't think this is going to get you into her pants, either.

DykesDog said...

Hey, just wondering, is there a Greyhound Depo where I can wire her a prepaid one way bus ticket, to Dyckersville. I would even spring for Joke to join her. Them there bushes in Dycks front yard would make a mighty fine home for them!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Karla - Oh, I have a soft spot for you, you crazy babbler.

TFG - You'd be surprised at what turns this woman on. Her latest boyfriend is a fat guy who rides bulls at train stations.

Dyke - I wouldn't mind making a home in Karla's bush...if you know what I'm sayin'. And I think you do.

CommonWombat said...

While I can't blame a guy for trying desperately to get into Karla's pants, I have to warn you - I've SEEN those pants, and they are holding a set of BALLS dude. Judging from the package I saw, I'd say they're grapefruit sized. She doesn't even try to hide it like any respectable pre-op tranny would do... She just prances around the house in short shorts, knocking things off coffee tables with the huge bulge she's sporting.

Then again, I don't really know your tastes. If you like hot Texan moms with giant hairy nards, go for it.

Anonymous said...

But she looks so hot in her Avitar.

Must be photoshopped

Anonymous said...

That last photo is killing me.

How the hell does she do that with her lip?

~ Stacy ~ said...

Awww, poor Mister Dyckerson. I'm terribly sorry, no spare bedroom here, but I suppose you could crash in our shed. There's a tiny crevice of space available between the lawn reindeer and a rolled up rope ladder. It ought to be rather warm and comfy. Just don't forget to bring the cookies and milk.

tfg said...

You'd be surprised at what turns this woman on. Her latest boyfriend is a fat guy who rides bulls at train stations.

Good point. I can tell you what his secret is: Poop jokes. Read his blog if you doubt me.

CommonWombat said...

Oh, that's not my secret. There's nothing secret about poop jokes.

My secret is charm, fellas. 100% Pure charm.

Well, that and the bacon I hide in my armpits.

karla said...

Mmmmm....bacon.....

Willo Keays said...

When I saw the term stalker - I thought this post was going to be about me!

Anonymous said...

Whew! Well, that's a relief. It pays to actually READ the post BEFORE viewing the pictures. I thought Alanis Morissette had broken loose again.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Wombat - Hot Texans with hairy nards are precisely what I'm after. Besides, I was born with a penis and a clitoris, so it all evens out.

Bostick - Good question. She obviously has excellent oral skills.

Stacy - Why do I get the shed?? Put your deadbeat husband out there.

Babbler - Bacon whore.

Willo - A post wouldn't do you justice. You require a novel.

P - No Alanis here. You didn't see a big bushy beaver anywhere, did you??

tfg said...

Bacon under the armpits? Isn't bacon quite similar to pork rinds? Jesus, I think that Wombat is really Grandpa Dyckerson, which would make Karla sweet, sweet Serenity.

jmeped said...

Ok, it's not fair to scare one when drunk and depressed. You can shove the alleged sperm donor over and sleep with him. The bed is king size and has a cushy pillow top. How can she help herself to love you, and with a mug like that how can you help yourself.

flic said...

Who are the two cornballs in the background picture in the top photo?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

TFG - I couldn't get no twat from Serenity. She only likes dildos in her pussy twat!

Jmeped - My poor drunken lesbian. You know you'll always be my favorite! *Kisses*

Flic - Beats me. I thought they were part of the hat.

flic said...

LOL. That's great!

karla said...

Well, I never! I've been called a lot of things, but "whore" isn't one of them!

Oh, wait, yes it is.

Carry on.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the milk and cookies the other night. That really got me through those late hours.