When I saw that the crazy babbler had beaten me by a lousy THREE TENTHS of a point, I nearly dropped my pork rinds. Don't get me wrong, 85.7 is a good score, and in general, the reviewers liked my blog. But for a MERE WOMAN to beat me at ANYTHING is simply inconceivable!! How could this happen??!
Let's break it down, shall we?
The first category was CONTENT. In this category, Ms. Babble and I tied. Most of my comments were very flattering, but a few reviewers said they found my blog to be "juvenile." Juvenile??!! Oh yeah, well yo momma wears socks that smell!!!
The second category was DESIGN. This is where I lost the most ground. Ms. Babble scored a whopping 2.2 points higher than me! Based on some of the comments, I get the distinct impression that some of the reviewers didn't like my flashing lights. I don't know, something about them being obnoxious and seizure inducing. I think they're just jealous that they didn't think of it first.
The third category was QUALITY OF WRITING/GRAMMAR. Again, Ms. Babble beat me here. But come on, what do you expect? Do I look like Willie Shakespeare here?? Besides, I write most of this shit when I'm drunk.
The fourth category was INTANGIBLES. I came in behind Ms. Babble here as well. Again, reviewers took this opportunity to poon my chasing lights. That's it, I'm adding 12 more rows of lights just to piss them off.
The fifth category was FREQUENCY. Here's where I slaughtered Ms. Babble. I'm the hardest working blogger in show biz, posting nearly three times more often than the crazy babbler. I don't know about you, but I'll take three of my half-assed, juvenile posts over one of her witty, inciteful posts any day of the week!
The sixth and final category was WOULD YOU READ THIS BLOG REGULARLY. Ms. Babble beat me once again by a small margin. Not surprising, for at this point I feel this contest is rigged. In fact, I suspect Ms. Babble performed favors of a sexual nature on the reviewers in exchange for higher scores. And if this is the case, I cry foul. Especially since I would've been willing to go down on all of the reviewers if they had asked...and I guarantee I would have performed much better.
I have no ending for this post, so I'll just say fuck you all and good night.