10/19/2006

A Stroke of Genius

I'm gonna be rich, bitch!!!

After writing my last post, I had me a brainstorm. Actually, this was bigger than a brainstorm. This was a fucking brain cyclone. Actually, you know that giant storm on the planet Jupiter that makes up the Great Red Spot...the storm that's bigger than the entire Earth?? It was like that.

I have come up with a solution that will solve our overpopulation problems and make me an assload of cash at the same time. So listen up, all you wannabe parents...for I am opening a child rental store!

Why fuss with difficult pregnancies, 3am feedings, scraped knees, and rebellious teens? Well now, you don't have to!! Thanks to Mighty Dyckerson's Rent-A-Rugrat, you can be a parent only when you want to, leaving the dirty work to our highly experienced professional child care providers!*

Here's how it works. My company will feed and shelter the kids. We'll give them a solid edukation and make sure they get their shots. And to recoup the costs, we'll rent out the kids to lonely, depressed adults who are desperate to feel needed and loved!!!

This groundbreaking concept is sure to generate a lot of questions, all of which I have already anticipated and addressed in the following FAQ section:


Q: How much does it cost to rent a child?

A: When you consider the cost of diapers, toys, and college tuition...practically nothing! A cute, precocious caucasian child can run upwards of $75 an hour. But if you're on a budget, a fat, ugly, or black child is $25 an hour. If you're a real cheapass, you can rent a child who is all three for $5 an hour. Daily and weekly rates are also available.


Q: Can I rent more than one child at a time?

A: Yes. And for our Grand Opening this weekend, we're having a rent-one, get-one-free special!


Q: What if my rental child becomes sick or diseased while in my care?

A: Simply take the child to any convenient Rent-A-Rugrat location and exchange it with a healthy one.


Q: May I molest or abuse my rental child?

A: We maintain a strict don't ask, don't tell policy. The way we see it, what happens in the privacy of your home is none of our business.


Q: What should I do with my rental child when I am done with it?

A: Each of our locations has a drop box available 24 hours a day. However, hispanic and retarded children should be discreetly disposed of in a dumpster or lake.


Q: What will happen to the rental children when they become adults?

A: Some are put to work in our slave labor camp. The rest are euthanized by lethal injection.



So there you have it, folks! Stop by your local Rent-A-Rugrat today!!!



* Many of them have done hard time, but we feel everybody deserves a second chance.


28 comments:

tfg said...

The Catholic church is going to canonize you for this. Rock on, Saint Dyckerson.

Willo Keays said...

I must say - for legal reason - that I can not participate in such behavior! I do not condone the "renting" of children to complete strangers. Nor do I appreciate the implications of slavery or prostitution of minors.

That being said ... where can I borrow a cute baby girl? I need someone to play dress up with.

Pud said...

Your brain is a scary, scary place!

Baron Ectar said...

Man Dude - you will be on Dateline - you will be famous for this shit!

puerileuwaite said...

Dear Mr. Dyckerson,

We have been notified of your intention to start a "rent-a-child" business. Please be aware that this proposed service is in direct conflict with the trade agreement that we already have in place with the United States. We ask that that you immediately cease all plans to launch this business, or we shall be forced to pursue legal action through our embassy.

Respectfully yours,
Puerileuwaite Pug, Esq.
Official Legal Representative
Thailand Department of Tourism

RevRee said...

I don't know you anymore...Who have you become?

~ Stacy ~ said...

That's it, Mister Dyckerson! No more Disney Channel for you.

Willo Keays said...

Rev .. do we really know ANYONE online?

ecp said...

If I remember correctly, your last get-rich-quick scheme didn't work out too well.

moderator said...

I knew Madonna didn't think of this on her own.

blog Portland said...

That's about the worst thing I've read all week.

Thanks.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

TFG - I was canonized once...with a real cannon!!!

Willo - All the cute girls are taken this weekend, but I can give you a good deal on a hispanic chick with a cleft palate.

Bacon Egger - Dateline??! That's not the kind of fame I was looking for.

P - Give my best to John Karr.

ECP - You don't want to go there.

McFatty - You're too kind.

flipphead said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Mighty Dyckerson said...

Flipphead - Oh, I think it is. I insult all races, religions, and creeds. But for you, I'll raise the price of black kids to $40 an hour.

minwah said...

You can use mine if I get a cut.....

flipphead said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
flipphead said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
flipphead said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Mighty Dyckerson said...

Minwah - MINWAH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Flipphead - You've already covered the big 'N' ... so I'll go with c00n.

Ben Dare-Dundatt said...

Does this mean we're up to 300,000,001 assholes already?

Crashtest Comic said...

Congradualations to Mr. Michael Jackson, our one millionth customer!

DykesDog said...

What if the kid I rent starts a fire and I lose everything I own. Do you I get my money back?

RevRee said...

Hey Flipp, check your email.

Online Customer said...

Does the disabled child come with a disabled parking sticker? I am interested in using one for my holiday shopping? If so do I get a wheelchair with the child, or is it okay to leave the child in the car?

Yeah, him. said...

What happens if you get a kid and just can't deal with it? Is there emergency pick up service (kind of like AAA)?

You've made the ghost of 1 Mr. Swift (A Modest Proposal) truly happy... 300,000,000 calls for drastic measures.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Ben - We're well past that. Latest census research tells us the U.S. population is doubling EVERY DAY!!

Dyke - Only if you purchase our optional child renter's insurance policy.

Online - That's an affirmative on both. Just make sure you leave the window cracked. "Baby on Board" stickers and "World's Greatest Dad" t-shirts may also be purchased in our lobby.

Him - This has never happened, as all our children are heavily medicated before being released to customers. However, in such an instance, you may exchange the defective child for another at no cost to you.

Baron Ectar said...

Sister, if you want to rent one, call me!

DykesDog said...

NO WAY - I would rather take my chance with Rent a Rugrat!