10/31/2006

A Post-Halloween Message to the Kids

Some of you don't seem to understand how this fucking holiday is supposed to work. I guess your retarded parents didn't bother to explain it to you, so let me try.

It's actually very simple: HALLOWEEN IS SUPPOSED TO BE SCARY. Dressing up as a cartoon character or a bunny rabbit or a fireman doesn't cut it. If you show up at my door looking like Mr. Spock, I'm going to snatch your goodie bag from your grubby little hands and take a wicked shit right inside of it. And then I'm going to beam your wimpy ass right back to your mommy's Jeep Liberty.

But don't feel bad, children. I even know some full-grown adults who don't understand this concept. One of the dipshits I work with attended a Halloween party dressed as the "Burger King." Another guy went as half of a peanut butter & jelly sandwich. (He was the peanut butter; his wife was the jelly.) What a fucking pussy-assed douchebag assclown.

So kids, take note. If you're going to celebrate Halloween next year, for God's sake, don't fuck it up like you have with everything else in your pointless little lives. WEAR A SCARY COSTUME!!! Ghosts, goblins, ghouls, zombies, ogres - they're all perfectly acceptable. And for the hot girls, you can't go wrong dressing as a slutty witch. Not creative enough for you? Fine, how about a grenade-wielding Al Qaeda terrorist? Or maybe Steve Irwin's rotting corpse...complete with sting ray barb?? Or perhaps motorcycle accident victim impaled by a stop sign??? The possibilities are endless.

There. You now have 364 days to plan for next year, so don't let me down. And if you're one of those fatass kids I keep seeing at the mall, I suggest you skip the candy altogether and do a few jumping jacks.

That is all.


18 comments:

tfg said...

Did you give out pork rinds this year?

andy said...

MD-my favourite halloween message is that it's apparently totally okay to take you and your 18 kids, pile them into your shitty-ass falling-apart Station Wagon, cart your asses over to "the nice neighbourhood on the other side of the tracks", and drop your little shits off to trick or treat at the 'nice people's' houses, while you sit in the car and get baked. Apparently, that's fine.

~ Stacy ~ said...

Hmmm, I'm sensing a bit of hostility there, Andy.

Mister Dyckerson, my son slapped on a "Michael Myer’s" mask and toted a bloody chain saw. How's that for creative scary? My daughter dressed up as a, um, er, [ahem] ... Would you look at the time. Yeah, gotta scoot.

moderator said...

So my dressing up as an Ewok was bad? It was easy, I just forgot to shave my back for a week.

Willo Keays said...

Dyck ... I think your banishment from Medialine has made bitter and grumpy!

thebillofbrothers said...

Sounds like someone lost a office halloween costume contest to a PB&J sandwich...

Better luck next year.

Side note: I'm going to take a wild guess and say you have collectable KISS figurines on display somewhere in your house.

Anonymous said...

Next year I'm going as a "pussy-assed douchebag assclown."

Mighty Dyckerson said...

TFG - Fuck an umbilical cord out of your phony asshole, and I'll hang a pig with it, while I impregnate you with my 80 year old pork rind dick!

Andy - Actually, I gots no problem with that. That's smart thinking in my book.

Stacy - Your son sounds like good people. There's hope for the world yet.

Mod -
Dressing up as Ewok = Good
Dressing up as Ewink = HORRIBLE!!!

Willo - Fuck you, you fucking, farting robot!

BoB - KISS my ass.

Dr K - Better start saving up for the costume now.

blog Portland said...

Any hope for a Mighty Dyck costume, or is the world just not ready for that kind of awesome?

Pud said...

You tell em!!

Baron Ectar said...

I dunno MD - that Burger King guy is sort of jacked up scary in a way!

jmeped said...

It's drug induced days like this that I blove you more than ever.

Mel said...

Dyck, you'd like my dad.

He's over 6ft tall and for some reason intimidates kids even without a costume.

On halloween, he dressed up as a vampire count and opened up the door for trick or treaters making a freaky "mwuahaha" type noise...

and wouldn't you know it? the lil "goblins" on the other side of the door were a 2 yr old purple unicorn and her 6 month old baby brother dressed as a dinosaur. He had both of them screaming and sobbing. My mom cuffed him for that one..
and their mom was like "Why'd you do that?"

His response: It's halloween, don't take em out if you can't handle it.

and he shrugged his shoulders and left. I high 5'd him in the kitchen where I went to hide coz I was laughing so hard.

Willo Keays said...

ROFLMAO ... farting robots ... hahahahaha!

Why do I find that so funny? It's sick .. really ... it is. BUY yet I laugh.

puerileuwaite said...

Still, the razor blades were totally inappropriate.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

McFatty - You can make your own MD costume. Simply smear feces on your face and limbs, and viola!

Jmeped - Right back atcha, you sexy lesbian!

Mel - Your dad sounds like my kind of people.

P - You're right. Razor blades are expensive. Should've gone with rusty nails.

Yeah, him. said...

Actually there was a kid from Penn university who did the suicide bomber thing. Got a picture next to the university pres, posted the pictures on his website and then got on Michelle Malkin for being over the top and the pres must have gotten upset because there's now a disclaimer and apology on his site.

Anonymous said...

Pretty wicked. I agree these lumps of lard are destroying the holliday with their cute costumes and need to be crushed with my boot. If i see someone older than 10 wearing a costume of ninja turtles il spit in their candy bags and send them home for the night.