Fuck Water Conservation

The previous owners of my new townhouse were cheap bastards.

For the last three months that I've lived here, I've been coping with low water pressure. None of the plumbing fixtures in this dump were putting out a decent amount of water. Not the sinks...not the bathtub...not even the goddamn shitter.

Three weeks ago was the last straw. That was when I had my last bowel movement. My friends, it required approximately 11 flushes to completely remove all traces of my excrement from the bowl. That's right, 11 fucking flushes. No, I didn't unleash some sort of mutant superturd upon my commode. It was just your normal, average, six-foot log. Four or five flushes should have been more than sufficient.

So I called the county to come out and check my water pressure. Now whenever I have to deal with the county, I make sure to set my expectations as low as possible to avoid disappointment. Here's what I expect when dealing with any form of government:

1. They will get around to responding whenever they damn well feel like it.
2. When they do respond, they will do a half-assed job.
3. Afterwards, they will take three days of paid leave to recuperate from the half-assed job they did.

Therefore I wasn't surprised when the county came out and told me the pressure was fine "on their end." Translation: "We categorically deny any and all responsibility for the lousy service you are receiving from our facilities. Now if you'll excuse us, we have to go lobby for another national holiday."

Clearly I was on my own here, so I decided to do a little investigating...starting with the kitchen faucet. This one was especially annoying because it was taking me twenty minutes to fill an 8-oz. cup with tap water. I removed the aerator with my handy dandy vice grips...and voila! Inside the aerator was a little plastic insert with a pin-sized hole in it for the water to pass through.

Turns out this was what they call one of them "water-saver" devices. Well bull-fucking-SHIT. How much fucking money did the former owners think they were saving with this thing? Five cents a year?? Ladies and gentlemen, I don't think I have to tell you what I did with that little piece of plastic. I replaced the newly unobstructed aerator, cranked up the faucet...and va-va-va-vooom! It was like fucking Niagra Falls, but without all the newlywed assholes! I cannot tell you what this did to boost my morale.

Next I moved on to the bathroom sinks. (There are two sinks in my master bathroom. Don't ask me why. I guess one is a backup in case the other one breaks.) Turns out these aerators had similar devices installed. Only these were so fucking corroded, I had to replace them entirely.

My final stop was the bathtub. The shower head was one of those low-pressure water-saver massager things that the chicks seem to like. Well fuck that shit. When I take a shower, I want to feel as if I'm actually being cleansed. I want the water gushing out so hard, it peels off several layers of skin. So I went online and purchased the Turbo Jet Master 4000. You've probably never heard of this shower head, as it is illegal in 42 states (including mine). The Turbo Jet Master 4000 is capable of putting out a stream of water so powerful that, if operated at close range, can slice through a frozen coconut in three seconds.*

So I wired up the TJM4K last night...and viva Las Vegas! I took the best shower of my life! Sure, I used up 4,380 gallons of water...but I'm CLEAN, you hear me?? CLEAN!!!!!!!

Of course, I still have my shitter to deal with, but that shouldn't even be an issue for several more weeks. Thank God for chronic constipation.

Oh, and by the way...I'm trying this new thing where I pretend to be mad at people. Right now, I'm pretending to be mad at Husho...so if you happen to see her, play dumb! (That shouldn't be hard for some of you.)

* There is no such thing as a Turbo Jet Master 4000. What I actually purchased was a no-name shower head from Dyck-Mart.**

** There is no such place as Dyck-Mart. I actually made my purchase at Wal-Mart.


Tripe Face said...

Glad to hear you finally found away to clean away stench of skanks you find yourself screwing around with. But considering what you pay those skanks to sleep with you I'm surprised you have the money to pay for a higher water bill.

Oh, and don't piss off Willo too much, she can kick your ass big time.


/t. said...

funny post*

* except for the part
following the title**

** except for the ad

the jack-in-a-box has a sense of humor***

*** don't quit your day job


Little Lamb said...

Such language.

ecp said...

That was some deep shit from the above poster. It's going to take me a while to decipher it and take it all in.

So yea - isn't that feeling of accomplishment better than the rush of tainted heroin into your veins? It's like our primordial caveman-like instinct as the male species of bringing home dinner to the cavewife (or cavelifepartner) as s/he cares for Bam-Bam?

Congratulations Dyck on your sleuthing!

You are man hear me roar,
The number is to big to ignore,
And I am way too hungry to settle for chick food,
Cuz my stomach is startin to growl,
And I’m goin on the prowl,
For a texas double whopper man that’s good!
Oh yes I’m a guy!
I’ll admit I been fed keesh,
Wave tofu bye bye,
Now it’s the whopper beef I reach
I will eat this meat, til my innie turns into an outie,
I am starved, I am encourageable
And I hate to turn a good beef baked jalepeno burger good thing down
I am hungry, I am encourageable, I am man

errr... carry on!

Crashtest Comic said...

Yeah, man--F**k the planet!

I hope future generations drown in my styrofoam McDonalds cartons & fecal waste.


Crashtest Comic said...

Yo mama.

Anonymous said...

I wish there WAS a Dyck Mart. I'd go there there for the two-fer specials.

RevRee said...

Ahhhhhh What the fuck is that????



Luna*tic said...

Hey, be nice to my sis - she's vulnerable.. Pick on me instead!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Tripe - Say what you will about me, but I'll be damned if I'm going to sit here whilst you insult my skanks!!

/t & Lambo - Get a room already.

ECP - What a lovely poem. Keats?

CC - Impossible. Styrofoam floats.

Rev - Click my pop-up baby! Click it hard!!

Dirtytuna - Do I know you?

Luna*tic said...

Grrrrrr... Dyck - I mean it..

tfg said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Mighty Dyckerson said...

TFG - Chocolate hostage?? Since when did Ray Nagin move to Baltimore??!

tfg said...

11 flushes isn't so bad. Ever since they ran the line from my commode directly to the Baltimore Museum of Art, I have to give 3 days advance notice before freeing a chocolate hostage. They keep feeding me some kind of foolishness about "preserving National Treasures" or something.

Willo Keays said...

I for one am glad to hear you're clean. And after reading Rev's blog post about kilts - am wondering if the Turbo Jet Master 4000 is free for the evening?

I'm also pretty impressed that you're a do-it-yourselfer and not one of those pansy boys who have to hire plumbers to fix things for you.

And finally - i'm on to your little "let's pretend" game.

Willo Keays said...

Hey Luna - leave Dyck alone!

{but thank you!}

Anonymous said...

Hell yeah dude. Great of you to stick it to the man.
I had a similar problem with my toilet, they cost under $100.00 and totally worth the money. Go back to wal-mart or home depot and buy a new fucking toilet. they take like 30 minutes to install and you will be the first crapper to crisen it. Its like farting in a new car..

Anonymous said...

I guess I should have read that comment before posting it. Ive been drinking

tfg said...

Actually, I lifted the term from ACW.

puerileuwaite said...

Why not crap while you're at Walmart? Hell, I do that and read your blog while I'm in there.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Willo - Sorry, a man and his TJM4K are sacred. Get your own.

Bostick - Yeah, but aren't all the new toilets those 1.5-gallon water saver jobs? Fuck that. I want a crapper large enough to go diving in.

TFG - Thanks for the linkiepoo - that there is Dyckerson material!

P - What, do you want me to get AIDS??! My ass will not touch toilet seats that have been touched by other asses.

Yeah, him. said...

ANother county heard from...

Better luck with those bastards who own your place - enjoy your water saver device-less world,

DykesDog said...

You know, I just take a shit in the yard and when it gets full I take my chocolate hostages to the neighbors yard. I don't waste water, I care about the planet! LOL!

Anonymous said...

Fuck water it causes rust.

Baron Ectar said...

The first thing I did when I bought the house I am in now, was change the lid to the throne. I will not sit on any seat that I know strangers have sit their ass on. I hate vacations - tough to find a safe place to shit. Church camp for me was the longest friggen week of my life!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Baron Ectar said...

I will not sit on any seat that I know strangers have sit their ass on.

I feel you. I take a padded folding chair with me wherever I go.

Willo Keays said...

Oh please! You men are so prissy!

Manola Blablablanik said...

Come to my house and fix my shower too! I have coconuts in the backyard we can test it with.

jmeped said...

You had me going, I was "excited" at the thought of a turbo jet shower head, if it was removable from it's post I would have been your new best friend. Now I see it's a piece from dyck-mart I don't know. I will let you know if I pass through dyckersonville on my way to D.C. and you can make be a banana split.

Willo Keays said...

jmeped - if you stop over in dyckersonville - I'm going to require a full report. No need for intimate details ... ok .. yeah .. I'm going to need ALL the details.

blog Portland said...

I was under the impression that you saved all of your crap to fling at other people.

Pud said...

Thank Gawd you changed that shower head as I could smell you all the from Richmond to Reston, VA

Anonymous said...

You sound really tense about the water pressure. Maybe that is contributing to the chronic constipation.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Manola - I have seen your coconuts, and they are quite lovely.

Jmeped - I also have a garden hose, and it has your name on it...

McFatty - I had to give that up. It was stinking up my refrigerator.

Pud - Shit, I forgot you were so close! That's it, I'm coming over to shoot your next HNT pose!!

Dr. K - No, I think it's all the cheese.