10/13/2006

Friday the 13th

This morning there was a knock at my door. It was Death.

He was wearing a black cape and carrying a menacing sickle. (Some folks call it a kaiser blade, I call it a sickle...mmm-hmm.) And in the area where his head would have been, there was nothing. Nothing, that is...except a cheese wedge.

"Howdy do," said Death. "I have come for your soul."

"I can dig it," I replied. "Just let me grab my coat."

"You won't need it where you're going, my sinful little fiend," said the grimmest of reapers. "However, I would recommend an umbrella. The weatherman says rain today."

Okay, you caught me. I was not really visited by the Prince of Darkness this morning. But it sure as hell felt like it. My throat was sorer than Al Gore after the last presidential election. My nose was running like a pair of Dollar Tree nylons. And my head was aching worse than a homo's butthole at a gay orgy. That's right, I am sick. I am sick, and I know exactly who is to blame. Allow me to explain.

The year was 1984, and I was in 6th grade. It was a crisp autumn day, much like today, and I was on the school playground playing a quick game of grabass with my female classmates before the morning bell. I was ahead by 112 points, and we were having a swell time...but then along came Filthy Peter. Filthy Peter was just your normal average guy; he just happened to enjoy smearing his own feces on the playground equipment. In fact, his favorite thing to do was to climb to the top of the sliding board, drop his pants, and defecate as he slid down the board...leaving a long brown trail of shit in his wake. Bizarre behavior, to say the least...especially from an assistant principal.

But that was over 20 years ago, so I doubt Filthy Peter is responsible for my current illness. I don't even know why I brought it up. Truth is, I don't know how I got sick. I guess it's just that time of year.

Pud, since you live close by, would you be a dear and bring me a nice big bowl of delicious chicken soup? And maybe some ginger ale too? And if it's not too much trouble, I would also like to wear your panties on my head for a few hours. They might help to clear my sinuses.

And Jmeped, maybe you could send me a lovely bouquet of those lesbian flowers that you sell to cheer me up.

Oh, and RevRee, perhaps you could send me a get-well card...attached to a 70-inch plasma HDTV. Come on, you know you can afford it!

Anyway, gotta run. Death and I are going bowling with Filthy Peter.

37 comments:

Tripe Face said...

Get off your lazy ass... make your OWN soup and go to work.

We expect better than this from you... you are Mighty Dyckerson... NOT ECP!

Willo Keays said...
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Willo Keays said...

Dyck ... I'm sorry you're not feeling well. If I had know earlier perhaps I would have been just a little bit less demanding of your time.

Hmmmmm .... I see you've got all your bases covered. Are you sure there's nothing I can do to help you feel better?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Tripe - Consider yourself WRITTEN OUT OF THE WILL.

Hushwillo - I'd tell you, but this is a family blog.

Willo Keays said...

That's ok - you can whisper it to me later ;)

Tripe Face said...

The Will? THE WILL???

What could I possibly get from your estate when you die? Your townhouse? No thanks, I have enough trouble takin' care of the house I own.

I suppose you could have left me one of those cute little game show sets you made during your pathetic childhood, but that would just make me pathetic too (unless they are made of wood, then I could use the kindling)

Forget the will and just forward me RevRee's and Hush's phone numbers so I can have a Tripe Face double date to your funeral.

Bet you didn't think you'd get a whole three people there did ya?

Pud said...

Poor Clown! Being sick sucks ass! Oh, and I hoped you bathed yourself in bleach after hanging out with Filthy Peter.

Willo Keays said...

Good morning Dyckums. I'm sending some virtual TLC your way b4 heading off on the Band Trip. Here ... pretend this is a big hug {{{{{DYCK}}}}} and a few TLC smooches XXXXX (on the forehead because I don't know what kind of illicet germs you're carrying}.

I left some chicken soup simmering on the stove. There's some lemon sorbet in the freezer - that will help soothe your throat.

Now .... jump back under the covers {ALONE} ... put your head down and get some sleep!

I'll check in on you again later.

Hope you're feeling a bit better.

{see .. having a stalker has more than one advantage}

Willo Keays said...

illiciet = illicit

why can we not edit our comments?

tfg said...
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tfg said...

If {} is an ASCII hug and XXX is an ASCII kiss, then I wish you a huge (0) or maybe even a \o/.

DykesDog said...

Mighty Dyck, I am so sorry you are sick. Please feel better quickly ... I am afraid you may get all soft and gushy inside and resort back to that softie ... that would be a bad thing!

RevRee said...

I'm sick too, what the hell did you give me this time???

Willo Keays said...
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Willo Keays said...

::: peeks head into room to see how Dyck's doing ::::

[shock] PUT YOUR PJ'S BACK ON![/shock]
It's no wonder you're sick!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Thanks for the concern, Dyck lovers. Sorry it took me a while to respond - Death and I hooked up with a couple of chicks last night, and I didn't get home til 5am. Death is a pretty cool dude, once you get past the sickle and the cheese wedge head.

tfg said...

Chicks dig a dude with a big sickle.

Willo Keays said...

Dyck - Isee you made it outta bed long enough to wrecj havoc on my blog. Dad wants to know when you'r returning his car .. and mom wants to know exactly when it is you proposed .. because I'm not wearing a ring.

I hope you're feeling much better :)

Crashtest Comic said...

Death be not proud!

puerileuwaite said...

Get well soon, Evil One. But if things DO take a turn for the worse, I'd be interested in your old Ford Escort. Oh, and go toward the light!

Anonymous said...

Filthy Peter knows how to have a good time with playground equipment. A man after my own heart.

RevRee said...

Dyckerson, give me all your moving boxes!!!!!

Manola Blablablanik said...

Get well soon honey bun!

~ Stacy ~ said...

I didn't bother to read this post, but the picture was pretty.

Luck o' the Irish said...

Are you sure it wasn't Chad Vader at your doorstep coming to get you for your shift in the produce department?

Get well soon....the apples are rotting!

DykesDog said...

Were they Hells' Angels ... HA!

Lady K said...

I just came down with something this morning and you couldn't have described it better.

"Bowling With Death" sounds like a really cool game show, don't ya think?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

P - I'll mail you the Ford Escort, but don't be surprised if it looks amazingly similar to a crushed beer can.

Manola - I'd feel a lot better if you'd show me your ta-ta's!

Stacy - I'm still well enough to smack you...

Lady K - Actually, I think it WAS a gameshow. Chuck Barris hosted.

moderator said...

Are the Prince of Darkness and Death the same guy? I think you make some of these up.

Willo Keays said...

I just got 4 tickets to TPIR.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Take me with you, Hushwillo! I rule at the Clock Game!

Willo Keays said...
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Willo Keays said...

For some reason ... I knew that news would turn you on.

I do have 2 extra tickets.

jmeped said...

The only flowers you'll get from me will be the ones I throw into the firey pits of hell, also known as your grave. Is this where I'm suppose to beg you to let me do just one last load of laundry, and PLEASE OH PLEASE let me tend to your every aching muscle? If you have a fever I will crawl into bed and we can press out bodies together and I will naturally lower your temperature. Then I'll make you homemade soup while wearing nothing more than stilettos, and an apron that says kiss the cook. This is when someone slaps you because your fever is so bad you've slipped into a coma.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Ooohhhh Jmeped baby! You know just what I like!! I'll take minestrone, please!

Willo Keays said...

barf!

~ Stacy ~ said...

"Stacy - I'm still well enough to smack you..."

Promises, promises. ;)