10/17/2006

300,000,000 Assholes & Counting

Attention people living in the United States: We have enough people. We don't need any more.

If you are an American citizen and you are thinking of reproducing, DON'T. What is this need people have to be parents anyway? Kids are sloppy, stupid, rude, smelly, and loud. They're enormously expensive to maintain and they contribute absolutely nothing to society. And furthermore, most of them grow up to be disappointments anyway. But Dyckerson, I wanna feel needed! BUY A GODDAM GOLDFISH, YOU SELF-CENTERED PRICK. But Dyckerson, who will take care of me when I'm old and incontinent? SAVE THE MONEY YOU'D SPEND ON PAMPERS AND USE IT TO HIRE A PROFESSIONAL BUTT WIPER.

If you are an illegal alien living in this country, GET THE FUCK OUT NOW. Our economy will survive just fine without you, thank you very much. And even if it doesn't, well I'd gladly trade a few bucks in my wallet for shorter lines, less traffic, less crime, and more green space. But Dyckerson, how am I going to run my crooked business if I have to actually pay people a decent wage? NOT MY PROBLEM, YOU GREEDY COCKSUCKER. But Dyckerson, who will take the crappy jobs that Americans don't want? EASY. RETARDS, EX-CONS, AND FUGLY PEOPLE.

Look, there isn't a problem in the U.S. that can't be traced to overpopulation. Smog, global warming, famine, disease, poverty, depression, homelessness, road rage, addiction to foreign oil...you name it! Of course, no douchebag politician will ever support a ban on baby making. But Dyckerson, no one will vote for me - it's too controversial! GROW A SACK, YOU ASS-KISSING PUPPET.

Clearly, America needs the leadership of a visionary...a man who knows what the people need, not just what they want. A man who isn't afraid to roll up his sleeves and get things done.

America needs a DYCK. Vote Dyckerson in 2008.


25 comments:

Little Lamb said...

If you can get rid of the illegals you have my vote. But I want them all out by the time you run for president.

RevRee said...

I sure glad Dyck Jr. can't read yet. I'd hate for him to see his own father denying his own son, by selling out to politics!

Ben Dare-Dundatt said...

There is a reason we have laws and statutes regarding immigration... There are some people we just don't want living here. We stole this country fair and square; we get to decide who stays. It's ours. Go steal your own country, ya party-crashers!

Willo Keays said...

Wow ... are you PMSing or something, Dyck?

Baron Ectar said...

I cannot believe you posted on this tonight! I was at Happy Hour with a couple friends today - this came up - first thing I said was, "guess another one crossed the border today!"

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Lambo - You obviously have no clue how politics works.

Rev - You still haven't proven that kid is mine. I demand a paternity test on Maury.

Ben - Who the hell are you?

Willo - Hush.

Bacon Egger - I like to be topical.

Lady K said...

OH boy. This is one can of worms I've opened in the past. Good luck with this one, and thanks for stopping by!

DykesDog said...

Rock On Mighty Dyck! Where do I mail my check for your campaign donation!

tfg said...

You've got my vote. In fact, you ought to put together an entire Dyck ticket.

Willo Keays said...

I'd be willing to contribute funds to the campaign - as long as I'm on the Dyck Ticket. Who's in your Cabinet Dyck - and what role do they fill? {no - not the cabiet you have at home - your Staff if you become Prez.)

Pud said...

If you really ran for President, I WOULD vote for you.

senor andy said...

What will really help you, D, is if you can get all the asshole drivers of the road somehow. I'd even vote for Hillary effing Clinton if she could take care of all those douchebags.

As you pointed out before, especially the asian ones. Or black ladies on cell phones.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Dyke - Just wire it to my PayPal account.

TFG - I'm putting you in charge of the Office of Homeboy Security.

Willo - You're my new Secretary of the Posterior.

Pud - I knew I could count on you for the nude blogger vote.

Senor Andy - Congratulations on being my new Secretary of Transportation!

Chris said...

Sounds like you're advocating a militant gay lifestyle.

Manola Blablablanik said...

I guess this blows my fantasy of freezing your sperm for my very own Dycksickle!

Mr. Fabulous said...

So far I like the sound of your platform...

puerileuwaite said...

I believe in what you stand for, and you have my vote. (Holy fuck! Was THAT tough to write. I need to get drunk now ...)

One of your first acts should be to get 'em to remove "this land is your land" after "this land is my land" from that stupid-ass song. Those pricks should find their own land.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Manola - Wouldn't you rather have it warm and creamy?

Fab - Platform?? I have no platform. I just have very strong opinions about certain issues.

P - Not necessary. I'm banning all music except Barry Manilow's.

the dude said...

The easiest way to lower the number is to get rid of a few states. Might I suggest Missouri, Georgia, and Wisconsin. Sure it'll leave holes in the map but that's at least 15 mil you can get rid of there.

andy said...

DUDE, Secretary of Transportation. I like it.

Although Seinfeld already took it, I would really like to re-implement the rickshaw into American society.

AND, people who don't use blinkers will automotically be tasered. By what or how, I don't know. But tasered none-the-less. Preferable in the nads/babymaker.

andy said...

Oh, and sidebar....Barry Manilow rules. Nice choice. I wish you could find room in your heart for Sheila E, but I suppose the big BM will do for now.

RevRee said...

You're both crazy! Tom Jones is the best man for the job!

jmeped said...

I thought america needed balls, not dykes. I seen a mexican protester once with a sign that read without us who will make your burritos? Listen that's easy, it's the scrubbing of my toilets I'm worried about. Tell you what, you throw in a house keeper Alice style and you got my vote!

~ Stacy ~ said...

Why stop at the presidency, Mister Dyckerson? (...Or whichever political position you are aspiring to.) World domination is much more interesting. Not only that, but implementing Andy's "Taser" plan from outer space would be a bit like playing a renegade version of Galaga. ‘Course, the Taser is a bit lenient, if not ineffective from space, I’d say. You should put together a team of scientists to create a Mighty Dyckerson Electrolaser; one that carries a conductive channel of vitriolic ionised air able to incinerate upon contact.

Zap! Zap! Zap! One after the other... Inconsiderate drivers permanently removed from the roadways. It would make for a great political campaign.

Dyckerson for World Dominancy
Speak Derogatively and Zap The Asshats


With a slogan like that, how could you not win?

~ Stacy ~ said...

Alternatively, (if you're against Capital Punishment), you could just rewire the non-blinker fucks' car stereos, in which they would receive a twenty-five to life sentence of listening to non-stop B.M. tunes while driving.