9/29/2006

Wacky Office Hijinks

I hate to bore you with another work-related post, but it's my blog and I'll do as I damn well please...so here's an update.

A guy in the office whom I've never met turned 40 this past week. You may be asking yourself, if you've never met the guy, how do you know this? Well STOP ASKING YOURSELF QUESTIONS WHILE YOU'RE READING MY FUCKING BLOG, YOU DUMBASS SACK OF SHIT. PAY ATTENTION AND READ THE WHOLE POST BEFORE YOU ASK YOUR STUPID QUESTIONS, OKAY??

But to answer your question, I know this guy turned 40 because somebody decided it would be funny to play a little joke on the birthday geezer. This hilarious prankster sneaked in the office after hours and adorned his cube with black balloons and black crepe paper. This comedic genius also made photocopies of the guy's photo with a clever caption underneath it that said (drumroll please) "Lordy Lordy, Look Who's 40" and plastered them all over the office.

(I'll give you a few moments to recover from the uncontrollable laughter.....That's it, take a deep breath.....Maybe ask yourself a few more questions. You seem to like that.....)

OK, better now?? Good. Now listen up. If I am still working in this cube farm on my 40th birthday (God forbid), I'm going to buy myself a little present on the way to work that day: an Uzi. If, upon reaching my cube, I see one balloon, photo, or gag gift, I swear on a stack of pancakes I will SHOOT EVERY LIVING THING within a THREE-MILE RADIUS. I will then WRAP YOUR CORPSES in BLACK CREPE PAPER and SHOVE BLACK HELIUM BALLOONS inside your ANAL CAVITIES. Next I will BURY YOUR CARCASS in a URINE-FILLED GRAVE filled with ANGRY STING RAYS and LEAVE YOU THERE to ROT.

I think I've made my point. ANY QUESTIONS???????


22 comments:

Yeah, him. said...

Go to your happy place... find your happy place...

tfg said...

So, what was your point?

Willo Keays said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
/t. said...

cool.

but it'll be
a tough act to
follow -- what did you have in mind for your 50th?

/t.

the dude said...

Oh wow so many questions...

Does shooting every living thing includes plants and farm animals?

How can sting rays be angry in an urine filled grave? Wouldn't they be just pissed???

And why buy an Uzi when it would just be simple to burn the place to the ground after you take a large sum of money from the company.

Crashtest Comic said...

Guaranteed you'll still be there at 40...

puerileuwaite said...

Fine. We'll go with a simple urinal cake just like last year.

Crashtest Comic said...

A urinal cake at 35 is appropriate.

40 deserves something special, like shit in the pillowcase.

Happy Birthday.

Willo Keays said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
/t. said...

willo,

yes!

this one
jumped right out

waCKy oFfiCE hIjInkS

/t.

~ Stacy ~ said...

Maple syrup? Or do you indulge in strawberries with whip creme topping?

Personally, I like both at the same time... 'cept I opt for cherry topping.

By-the-by, would that be Poodle urine?

Oh, and would you happen to know the price of green beans in China?

~ Stacy ~ said...

LOL! @ /t.'s comment ..."What did you have in mind for your 50th?"

Funny.

/t. said...

~ stacy ~

rare, but you do on occasion see some talent on this blog

/t.

~ Stacy ~ said...

/t.

On occasion, I've happened to notice; and been delightfully entertained. :)

/t. said...

~stacy~

what's a nice person like you doing in a blog like this?

/t.

Little Lamb said...

Same thing you're doing here.

/t. said...

i heard
the clown
was dead and
dumped into a
piss filled grave

i'm here to PARTY!

/t.

Little Lamb said...

I don't buy it.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Hushwillo - You're much closer to 40 than I am!

Dude - The arson route might be simpler...but far less satisfying.

CC - If I want to bury my head in shit, I'll go see your act.

Stacy - What do green beans and chinks have in common??.......They all look alike!

/t - Don't be flirting with my affiliates on my blogorithm. Keep your /p in your pants for five minutes.

Mr. Fabulous said...

Wow..you really work some clever folks, eh? LOL

Quite the Algonquin round table at your workplace...

~ Stacy ~ said...

/t.,

...Because sometimes, (in my deep-dark fantasies), I'm not so nice.

Also, Mister Dyckerson makes me smile & laugh; and frankly, I find his acerbic style of charm rather amusing. Akin to my inner thoughts, really.


Mister Dyckerson,

Thank you for the green bean clarification. However, I was honestly more interested in the toppings on your stack of pancakes. I was in the mood for something sweet yesterday.

Sadly, that mood has passed. Now, I feel as though I could chew on a bag of nails. No, it's not PMS. It's an unruly large blubberized fractal of wasted air space that continually aggravates and annoys me to, (apparently), no fucking end!

[deep breath]

Yeah. Sorry for overtaking the comment box with that lovely bit of depression.

I'm going to go meditate now. (Translation: I will be envisioning the demise of my enemy yet again... Incineration-by-way-of-Meteroite.)

Ohm-Ohm-Ooohhhmmm

DykesDog said...

Is that a 40 ish looking wrinkle I see in that pissy forehead?!