9/02/2006

Recipe For A Hurricane

Eastern Virginia is recovering after Ernesto slammed into the region and pounded us with torrential downpours yesterday. Fortunately, I was able to survive nature's fury by hunkering down in my mother's basement. As I rode out the storm, I got to thinking. Though Ernesto was technically what they call a tropical defecation, it really is no different than a hurricane when you look at their ingredients. Allow me to elaborate...

First, you gotta have a generous supply of wind and rain. That's a given.

Next, you'll need a TV weather monkey jumping around in front of a color-splotched map. In Richmond, we have an abundance of these. There's Tom Patton, the ugly geek who looks like a gopher. When the weather makes the headlines, he likes to take off his sport coat, roll up his sleeves, and prance around the studio like a little fairy...which is what he is. Then there's John Bernier, the sleezy egomaniacal lardass who has worked at the number three station since the dawn of television. Every time he farts, he breaks into regular programming to tell us about it. He's unbelievably awful, and my sources tell me that off-camera, he's a conceited prick and a womanizer. Like I couldn't figure that out just by looking at him.

Follow that up with a heaping helping of dipshits. Natural disasters are a good way to easily identify the idiots in your community. They're the ones who attempt to drive their cars through 8 feet of rushing water. They also like to run their gas-powered generators inside their sealed living rooms. The exceptionally retarded folks go surfing in the middle of the Atlantic during the height of the storm. These mental midgets never seem to run out of creative ways to defy the laws of common sense, and their antics bring me unspeakable joy.

Now you'll want to sprinkle in a local politician or two. These people enjoy the limelight even more than the weather monkeys. For example, in Virginia our governor declared a "state of emergency" approximately seven years before the goddamn storm even formed. In case you're not familiar with this term, the "state of emergency" declaration allows governors to hold press conferences and photo ops in front of important-looking buildings.

Of course, no storm would be complete without massive power outages. Who's fucking idea was it to distribute electricity by stringing high-voltage wires in the air on 100-foot toothpicks? If wind isn't knocking the damn things down, it's lightning...or cars hitting the poles...or ice storms...or helicopters. Hell, I truly believe an electrical line could be brought down simply by the power of suggestion. So every month or two, I must sit in the dark and wait for the monopolistic power company to get around to fixing it whenever they damn well please.

And finally, there are the school closings. Not to sound like an old fart, but when I was a kid, schools usually didn't close unless there was some form of frozen substance on the ground. Didn't have to be ten feet of snow (I'm not THAT old). Could just be a thin layer of sleet. Or an ice cream truck spill on the highway. But nowadays, even a CHANCE of a storm shuts down the schools for a month. And thanks to the wonders of modern technology, the names of those fine learning institutions will be crawling across the bottom 7/8ths of your TV screen around the clock.


Dyckerson out.

24 comments:

Little Lamb said...

Who would have thunk a tropical depression would last that long?

Crashtest Comic said...

it was pretty bad in NY too

Mr. Fabulous said...

We in Florida appreciate you guys taking this one off our hands.

We owe ya one!

Little Lamb said...

But don't ask us in Florida to pay you back this year.

Chris said...

California: 85 degrees, not a cloud in site. Cheers.

puerileuwaite said...

Hello? Pest Control? I'd like to report a big rat in my basement ...

curtcon said...

We had a weatherman in Boston once...The guy's name was Don Kent. I was watching his forecast one day. It was high noon and it was pitch black outside. Raining buckets, frogs, small dogs...Lightning bolts, Thunder to wake the dead..Winds of at least 50MPH...It was basically the end of the world.

This dumbass was saying it was presently clear and sunny. 75 billion in doppler radars, satelites, computer modeling and full earth coverage by by the NOAA and this dipstick couldn't be bothered to look out the window before he opened his yap.

Chris said...

In Hollywoodland, our weather guys have names like Dallas Rains and Johnnie Mountain. Pornstar names. Dallas is this could-have-been movie star, 50s, tanned, dusted gray longish hair and a George Hamilton tan. Always has the killer suit on with cufflinks and a radio announcer voice. Gotta love LA.

RevRee said...

It's beautiful in Heaven!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Chris - 85 degrees ain't gonna help you when The Big One hits! Have a nice day...

P - Dyckerson is not amused.

Ann Nonymous said...

Best Post EVER.

You have truly adopted the spirit us Floridians have inherited from the wind.

My favorite is when they film a can blowing in the street and call is "destructive" force. Also, the filming of a puddle labelled as a "lake".

Drinking games devised while stuck in the house:

Drink When:

the phrase "hunker down" is uttered

the replay of the storm's track replays from the beginning

there is a stormcaster filming from outside their hotel

for every downed powerline
for every blue tarped roof
for every gas line
for every supermarket with no water on its shelves

and when ever a "hurricane expert" speaks.

dr. kenneth noisewater said...

Sweet post. Part of me always wanted my street to flood so I could float down Ashland Avenue in Chicago on a Camel Cigarette billboard.

Pud said...

You know if these weatherman have all this high tech equipment, why can't they predict weather better? The damn pansies!

Willo Keays said...

Dyck just doesn't give me enough attention. I'm looking for a new man to adore.

Mr. Fab - what part of FL r u in? And what makes you so fabulous? Perhaps I'll switch my adoration for Dyckerson to you. Depends on how fab u really are.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Ann, there isn't enough alcohol in all of Milwaukee to enable me to play that game.

Pud, it's the same as the auto makers. Sure they could make more fuel efficient vehicles, but why should they??

Willo, you will do no such thing! Now bow before me and worship my greatness!!

Crashtest Comic said...

I love a good storm; this one that just rolled out was much ado about nothing.

Little rain, little wind, little waves on the beach.

But I agree with you 100%, dude.

When the big one hits it's bye bye Florida.

The rest of the nation will just have to carry on with orange juice from concentrate, but we'll find a way, somehow.

puerileuwaite said...

Um, Crash, I think Mighty D meant when the big one hits CALIFORNIA.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

P - Don't try to explain it to him. He's a comic, and you know how slow they are...

Crashtest Comic said...

California, Florida, what's the damn differnce?

If Florida sinks in the ocean we lose some summer fruits...

If Cali sinks in the ocean we lose year-long fruits including Tom-f***ing-Cruise.

Fruit for fruit, I think it's an even trade.

DykesDog said...

When I read post like this it makes me all warm and fuzzy inside that I live in the land of tornado’s and I relish the fact that I have a basement that I can hide in!

Crashtest Comic said...

I'm not an idiot--I play one on stage.

blog Portland said...

I think you might adopt a new attitude on hurricanes if they ever named one after you.

~ Stacy ~ said...

When I was a kid, I had to walk a mile and a half, in two-feet of snow, just to get to the bus stop.

I believe that adopting a new attitude would be unecessary, if a hurricane was named after the Mighty Dyckerson.

Why are we discussing the weather?

Mel said...

My daughter was pretty appeciative they cancelled her classes Friday. She goes to college in Richmond. Here in SC we just got some rain.

Found your blog via Mr Fab. See, he is good for something :)