9/08/2006

Nine Things I Will Never Put In My Mouth

SUSHI - I rarely eat fish even when it's properly cooked. I'm certainly not going to eat it while it's still squirming. Eons ago, I dated this really hot chick I met at work. She was as dumb as a rock, but she was a real piece of ass. Things were going swimmingly...that is, until we went to a fancy seafood restaurant and she ordered sushi. I was so disgusted, I threw down my hushpuppies, jumped out of the booth, and stormed out in a fit of rage. I didn't even take the time to finish coloring my placemat! Did I overreact?? I think not. When I'm on a date with someone, and there's the possibility that our lips may come in contact, I want to know what the hell I'm getting into. If I had kissed that chick, I would've been coming into indirect contact with raw fish germs. Well no thank you, sister. I'd rather go home, download Pud's blog, and masturbate with my filthy hand.

COFFEE - How could something that smells so great, taste so horrible? I've only tried it two or three times in my entire life, and each time it sucked just a little bit more. I thought maybe I could offset the extreme bitterness with copious amounts of sugar. No dice. Then I tried to dilute the shit with two gallons of whole cream. Didn't work...I could still taste the coffee. Centuries ago, I dated this really hot chick I met online. She was as crazy as a loon, but she was a real hot tamale. Things were going swell...that is, until I found out where she worked: Starbucks!!! I'll never forget the moment when she told me. I was so disgusted, I immediately withdrew my wee-wee from her hoo-hah, slapped her on the ass, and stormed out of her bedroom in a fit of rage. Did I overreact?? Fuck yes.

POP ROCKS & COKE - I know it's only a myth, but why take the chance?

A PENIS - Goes without saying, but if I don't include it on the list, one of you bastards will make a smartass comment about it. Actually, if it was my own penis, I suppose I would try it. But in His neverending cruelty, God made it impossible for me to reach it. If only the damn thing was one inch longer...

ANY FOOD SOLD AT A GAS STATION - I'm not talking about the snacks sold in vending machines. I figure those items are fairly safe. Nor am I talking about the gas stations with full-fledged convenience stores attached. No, I'm talking about plain old gas stations and garages. For example, the kind where you go to pay the grease monkey, and they're selling muffins at the cash register. Yes, muffins. Like most folk, I enjoy a good muffin every now and then. But there is absolutely nothing appealing about a gas station muffin, and I'm stumped as to why they are there. Now it could be the best fucking muffin in the whole damn world. A muffin so plump and moist, if you ate it, you'd think you'd died and gone to muffin heaven. But for me, as soon as that muffin made contact with that filthy gas station counter, it became trash.

COLLARD GREENS - What the fuck is a collard??! Never mind, I don't want to know. They just sound bad. Like the poor misunderstood gas station muffin, it's a matter of perception. Those collard greens could be perfectly tasty, but their very name is a major turn-off. The Collard Green Association needs to fire their marketing people and bring in some young blood to launch a re-imaging campaign.

A LIVE INSECT - I don't care if Joe Rogan shows up at my door with a giant sack filled with cash, I am not going to eat a bug. OK, maybe if it was a million bucks. I might even do it for a half million. Possibly a hundred thousand. Hell, who am I kidding?? I'd do it for a free donut.

THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA - Chances are, I will never get close enough to the Great Wall of China to put it in my mouth. It's just not on my top 10 list of places to visit. Probably not even on my top 50. I mean, who cares? It's just a stupid fucking wall. It just happens to be a large wall...which brings me to my second point. Even if I were to visit the Great Wall of China, it simply would not fit in my mouth. No matter how hard you try, it's physically impossible. Besides, you know the problem with trying to eat the Great Wall of China?? An hour later, you want to eat it again!!! (Note to Crashtest Comic: Feel free to use that joke in one of your little comedy bits.)

URINE & FECES - One exception: It has to be fresh, and it has to belong to Alyssa Milano.

29 comments:

tfg said...

There's only type of sushi that I'll eat and it sure as hell doesn't come from the sea.

Pud said...

Your dating life sounds like mine.

Crashtest Comic said...

I would eat Alyssa Malano's sushi

minwah said...

can I be on the top of the list of things you WILL put in your mouth??

Willo Keays said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
/t. said...

hey fool,

"neverending cruelty"

???

you mean, irony --

your dick is too small to reach your mouth, and your mouth is big enough to suck a volkswagen

yep, that's irony...

/t.

puerileuwaite said...

You didn't mention a tail pipe. This has me concerned.

Crashtest Comic said...

Here's another thing you will, unfortunately, never put in your mouth--

deeez nuts.

DykesDog said...

Mighty Dyck, you are my hero! I would never put a penis in my mouth either!!! But one thing that will worry the hell out of me ... why do you date such disturbing women?!

the psycho therapist said...

I'm with the dog. My thoughts exactly.

And Willo...
EVUHbody knows the majority of men love to put or have their penis put in any thing, any time, with or without help, alone or in a crowd, Sunday through Sunday, with a bag over the head or withou....

Yeah, like I'm wrong.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

TFG - Watch it, this is a family blog.

Pud - You and I were meant to be. Let's stop wasting time dating these losers. Let's get together and do some nude blogging. I'll bring the camera...

CC - It's M-I-L-A-N-O, funny boy.

Willo - See the psycho rapist's comment.

T - Decrypt this code:
oqweroyouiqur aldfjiearekajlf woiurwoaiuroe aljflbuttheadljaoiwur

P - Actually I like chasing after tailpipe.

D - Slim pickins around these parts.

/t. said...

clown

" you are a butthead "

yeah, somewhat

but this lame attempt at making nice with me ain't gonna help you -- you're too easy a target

/t.

Crashtest Comic said...

uh oh--
do i detect a little bad blood here?

Mom of Three said...

Never say never. You could end up in prison at some time and one of those items could be stricken from the list. And it ain't Alyssa Milano's fresh feces...

Nea said...

Yeh, I told my Mom that also....but I was just trying to get her off my case..........

Nea said...

You would eat feces but not collard greens........now THAT has got to be silly....they taste the same.......

Manola Blablablanik said...

Hey, you forgot those pickled pig's feet they sell at gas stations!

~ Stacy ~ said...

"...An hour later, you want to eat it again!!!"

[chuckle]

I'm with ya on the sushi. [shudder] Just the thought of it is repulsive enough to warrant a swig of Pepto-Bismol. Blech!

Jodi said...

So is that an affirmative for tossing salad? Good lord, what has happened to you?

Anonymous said...

Tip from the chef: Garlic sauce or melted cheese. Makes anything taste good.

Willo Keays said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Willo Keays said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Mighty Dyckerson said...

Nea - I'll take your word for it.

Manola - Show me your ta-tas!!!

Jolie - Stop putting words in my mouth.

Anonymous said...

Dick..uh..I mean Dyck should be eaten tartar with maybe a few capers on the side.

karla said...

When I read the paragraph titled "Penis," I thought to myself, "He must have meant to say "Nine Things I Will Never Put In My Mouth AGAIN." Please proofread your posts before carelessly submitting them.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Babbler, I love it when you're mean. It only encourages me...

blog Portland said...

I think I've possibly had all of those things in my mouth over the course of a single night.

Luck o' the Irish said...

Forget collard greens...What the hell is a parsnip? Something that sounds like you SHOULD NOT ever put it in your mouth.

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