9/27/2006

The Legend of the Golden Keys

Question: Have you ever had your keys urinated on by a poodle? No?? Well I have.

It happened last Sunday. It was a nice day, so I decided to do something new. For the first time in 13 years, I engaged in a physical activity that did not end in an orgasm. That physical activity is known as basketball. For those of you who don't know, basketball is a sport invented by Abner Triplenight in 1857. The original concept was developed by white plantation owners, who would toss old musketballs through a wagon wheel mounted horizontally to the side of a tree. At first, it was not a very well-liked game, as the musketballs were quite heavy and incredibly difficult to dribble. But in a stroke of genius, Triplenight replaced the musketball with a rubber, air-filled ball. Fast forward a few hundred years, and today, basketball is an extremely popular sport enjoyed mainly by tall colored folks in the ghetto.

Now while I am neither tall nor colored, I used to be pretty damned talented when it came to handling balls. In fact, they used to call me Hoops Dyckerson back in the day. You remember that "White Men Can't Jump" movie?? Well I was the inspiration for it. Anyway, I was curious to see whether or not I still had my mad skillz. So last Sunday, I hopped in the DyckMobile and cruised through da hood to the local high school, which just so happens to have a basketball court behind it.

First thing I did when I got there was toss my keys on the concrete next to the basketball net pole thingie. When I'm playing, I move like a panther...so I didn't want any unbalanced weight in my pockets throwing off my game. So there I am, slamming dunks and scoring three-pointers like a mofo. Pretty soon, a crowd starts to gather. All the neighborhood kids are studying my technique and marvelling at my swan-like grace...when in the distance I notice an old woman walking a dog. I continue playing the game and dazzling the crowd, but I notice she's getting closer. And closer. The dog is a poodle, and it is clearly in charge of this walk. I take a concerned glance over at my keys beside the pole...then I glance back at the approaching canine. I think to myself, "Nah. This is a huge, wide-open space with grass all around it. There's no way in hell that little mutt would..."

It was at that moment when it happened. Pepe's eyes locked on that pole, he made a beeline for it, and he cocked his leg. It was too late for me to respond, and the old woman was oblivious to the whole thing. All I could do was stand there and watch in horror as this french furball emptied its bladder on my keys. Game over.

I carefully approached the crime scene as the perp and its human accomplice scurried away. I was hoping maybe he missed. He did not. That little bastard scored a free throw right on my keys. Franctically, I scanned the area for a water source - a garden hose...a water fountain...a stream...even a fucking mud puddle. Nothing. So with great ire, I scooped up the evidence and drove home, with poodle piss dripping from my steering column and onto my knee caps.

And this, my friends, is why I never like to leave the house.

27 comments:

tfg said...

I was just thinking that it's been a long time sice I've read a quality golden shower story. Thanks, Dyck.

thebillofbrothers said...

ATTENTION:

If anyone wants to know the true Mighty Dyke is, read my post about my brother who just had a stroke.

Mighty, I hope your REAL life is more fulfilling than your blog life.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

TFG - I do what I can.

Billy - I'll take that as a compliment.

RevRee said...

What color were the tall colored folks in the ghetto?

Little Lamb said...

Rev asks a good question. Since they're colored, are they all different colors?

Little Lamb said...

I added you to my blog list

Anonymous said...

Maybe the poodle was just making sure no people, "colored" or otherwise, would steal your car.

DykesDog said...

You just feel jilted because it was a poodle and not a bigger dog like myself ... Karma Babee, Karma!

jmeped said...

Why do I imagine the scene from along came polly instead of white men can't jump?

the dude said...

It could have been worse...the old lady could've taken a tinkle as well.

puerileuwaite said...

I would've crapped on your keys.

andy said...

Dyck--
Some people pay for that sort of treatment.

Just enjoy the silent exaction of your sweet revenge the next time you go to your local grocer and use your 'values' card.

Luck o' the Irish said...

The smaller the dog, the bigger the bladder.

Pud said...

Then it is true....animals CAN sense evil and therefore...attack!

Anonymous said...

pud, if you'll recall, dogs could sniff out The Terminator a mile away . . Peeing on The Terminator's keys didn't do much good though.

Willo Keays said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
James Burnett said...

"With poodle piss dripping from my steering column..."

Your blog may be the only place on earth where that combination of words makes sense.

You could start a new game out of this: Dropkick the Pissing Poodle.

Chris said...

I guess you didn't have an issue with him humping your leg then?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Rev/Lambo - Don't be stupid.

Noiseliquid - Nobody's stealing the Dyckmobile. I always take the transmission with me.

DD - Go lick yourself.

Dude - I'm not so sure she didn't. It was an awfully big puddle.

P - I would have jizzed on yours.

Willo - Thanks for the sympathy.

Chris - As long as he didn't cum.

Larry - It's in the top drawer on the left.

Mary Sue - Don't worry, it could happen to anyone.

Osama - Try a little talcum powder.

Bostick said...

Pooles dont shed hair

Bostick said...

I answered your question over here

Crashtest Comic said...

Damn dogs--

Mighty Dyckerson said...

So I see...

~ Stacy ~ said...

A miniature collie emptied its bladder on my leg, once. That's why I've practiced my punting skills. If one of those mutts ever comes near me again, it's getting a boot to the ass!

Did you wash your hands when you got home, Mister Dyckerson?

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Mighty Dyckerson said...

Actually, I consider fucking a religious experience.

Crashtest Comic said...

Only if you fuck a priest.