9/22/2006

I Hate People

Yesterday I had a doctor's appointment. Nothing to be concerned about. I'll spare you the details, but it involved projectile vomiting, explosive diarrhea, and a plate of bad spinach. Seriously, I was puking up things I ate a year ago...and some things I don't even remember eating. In fact, I had to have my septic tank pumped out five times in one day! And the smell - my God, the smell!!! But like I said, I'll spare you the details. So I showed up at the doctor's office yesterday for my appointment, and the waiting room was fucking packed. I knew I was going to be there for a while, so I decided to engage in a little people watching.


First up was this really hot spic chick in a jogging outfit. She couldn't have been more than 17, but looked like a very mature 17. I thought about offering to share my barf bag with her, but alas, she was there with her mother and an obnoxious little brat kid. I was curious as to whether the brat was her little brother or her son, but frankly, I was afraid to find out. Anyway, the brat kept stealing shit out of the girl's purse and walking away with them. (I guess it was just his hispanic nature shining through. If we had been outdoors, I suspect he would have done some impromptu landscaping.) At one point, he dug a prophylactic out of the girl's purse and presented it to me like a trophy. (I guess I found out who his mother is.) But always being a good sport, I dropped my pants and modeled it for him.

Next was the fat guy with the cheap cologne. The kind of cologne you buy from Cosco in 20-gallon drums. He waddled in and took the only available seat...which happened to be right beside me. Luckily, I still had that condom, so I removed it from my wang and affixed it to my nose.

Then we have the smiling granny. This was a woman, approximately 80 years of age, who smiled constantly. I thought a botched facelift might have been the culprit, but the woman had more wrinkles than a box of California raisins, so I ruled out that possibility. I think the part that really creeped me out was that she was smiling while reading a newspaper...and it was turned to the obituary section! I guess she was just happy her name wasn't in there.

Of course, no random gathering of at least 10 people would be complete without a token chink. This piece of work couldn't speak two words of English, but yet seemed fascinated by the medical channel, which was being force-fed to us on a video monitor. And it's not like they were showing anything good like a breast exam. It was just a talking head reporting on the latest advances in tongue depressors. I felt really sorry for the reporter. How bad a journalist do you have to be to end up working for the medical channel?? Think about it. This channel is not available on any cable or satellite system. It is only watched by people who have NO FUCKING CHOICE!!!

And last but not least, there was the self-important career woman. She came in dragging one of those long-handled briefcases on wheels. Have you seen these fucking things before?? Why can't these lazy pricks just PICK UP THEIR SHIT and CARRY IT??! Or better yet, LEAVE IT IN THE CAR!!! Believe it or not, the Earth will continue to rotate without your damn laptop. But the career woman would have none of that. She had to lug her crap with her and set up shop in the doctor's office. Of course, she didn't know how to control the fucking thing, so she was banging it into furniture and rolling over people's feet with it the entire time. I kept hoping the hispanic kid would steal it.


I'm sure there were plenty of other dipshits in that waiting room, so if you're reading this and you happen to be one of them, my apologies for leaving you out. But if you contact me with your name and your act of stupidity, I'll be happy to add you to this list. Now if you'll pardon me, it's time to pump the septic tank again...


19 comments:

Chris said...

Pump the septic tank? Is that your way of telling us you're a homo?

blog Portland said...

You sound so ashamed of your hispanic heritage. You need to embrace that shit, mi amigo.

Willo Keays said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Manola Blablablanik said...

That career woman was a pharmaceutical rep. They walk around with that shit all the time.

jmeped said...

This is why I blove you! I went to the e.r. once and this man covered in poison ivy sat next to me and started digging in his crotch and moving up and down on the arm chair like it was a stripper pole. I hate people too!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Chris - Yes, I admit it. I am a homo.....Homo sapien, that is!! HA!!! Got you, didn't I??!

Willo - I was going to cast you in my reality show, but oh well...

Manola - You could be right. I did see her selling drugs in the parking lot afterwards.

Clowness - How the fuck did he get poison ivy in his CROTCH??

tfg said...

Spinach? I bet you got another batch of bad gerbils.

Mr. Fabulous said...

Wait, what ARE the advancements in tongue depressors?

Willo Keays said...

Anti - splinter AND they now come in yummy fruity flavors. Just like Dyck!

Yeah, him. said...

I hate those pull bags. There I am trying to run back and forth between my classes and there is always some lazy ass dragging their books around in a pull cart, which always takes up half the hall and never seems to trip and or kill the ones who really shouldn't be there.

but alas, enough of the negativity. Have a better weekend without things escaping your body as rocketlike speeds.

DykesDog said...

Do you ever notice that when you are in a waiting room full of sick people that the ones with the pull bags always walk right in, and the nurse says, "Go on back,the doctor's expecting you"! I guess the doctor wasn't expecting a sick clown, but I am glad that the doctor arranged for your entertainment needs ... I mean isn't that what our insurance pays for anyway!

RevRee said...

Should I be going to the Dr. for a check up now?...

/t. said...

might be that
anyone reading
and commenting
on this blog should
go and have their head checked

/t.

Little Lamb said...

So I take it Dyck, you're not a people person.

~ Stacy ~ said...

I concur. People are worthy of loathing... Especially my MIL, and my ex, and my nazi neighbor that finally moved away, and that bitch roommate of mine back in 1990, Brandy; she was NOT a fine girl.

Anyhoo. Yeah. Sitting and waiting in the waiting room, at the doctor's office, usually sucks big-fat, hairy, green bananas that have been thrown into the blender with fishguts and maggoty pumpernickel.

(Define that in whatever manner you see fit.)

...I'm going to
go and have
my head checked
now
;)

Ann Nonymous said...

Yea, bag girl was toting free drugs in that briefcase. If you were right and Hispanic kid did lift some of her goodies, he could turn around and sell them to me. Ahh, the circle of life.

karla said...

Sounds like you had an eventful day at the free clinic. I hope that case of syphilis clears up soon.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Well who do you think I caught it from, you crazy babbler? Get your hoo-ha cleaned up!!

Bostick said...

I break for bullshit