9/19/2006

Dyck 101

Some of you veteran Dyck lovers may have noticed that a lot of new readers have been visiting The Mighty Blog lately. I don't know where all these losers are coming from, but it is quite gratifying to know that the gospel of Dyckerson is sweeping the world. I would like to take this opportunity to welcome the newbies and answer some of the questions that have been flooding my inbox...


Crashtest Comic says: Dyckerson, your blog inspired me to begin a career in standup comedy. I want to learn from you. Could you describe your process?

Dyck responds: Sure. I never know when an idea for a blog entry will hit me, so I always carry with me a bag of delicious Doritos. Every time I come up with a new idea, I write it on a Dorito and file it away in a shoebox. Once a week, I empty the shoebox and sort the Doritos into one of several categories...like sex, bodily functions, current events, etc. I do not own a computer, so once I choose a topic to cover on the blog, I will sit down at my manual typewriter and crank it out. I then place the printed blog entry in a fireproof safe, crate it up, and have it shipped to my headquarters at an undisclosed location. There, one of my assistants opens the safe, scans the blog entry into a computer, and posts the blog entry on the Internets for the world to enjoy. Then I eat the Dorito.


Bostick says: Who makes up your audience?

Dyck responds: An excellent question. Basically, my audience is made up of two groups of people. The first group is composed of highly attractive women with whom I'd like to engage in sexual intercourse. The second group is everybody else. This includes men, children, old geezers, ugly people, prison inmates, cripples, and the morbidly obese. I try to reach out to both groups in everything I write. This means seducing and sexually harassing members of the first group, while simultaneously insulting, offending, disgusting, and generally pissing off members of the second group. It's a difficult feat to pull off, but somehow I manage to do it.


Mr. Fabulous says: I want to be just like you. How did you get started?

Dyck responds: I began insulting people in the mid-to-late 90s, when the whole Internets thing began taking off. I would lurk in chat rooms and wait for the right moment to butt into other people's conversations. For example, I remember this cancer patient chatting to a friend about his chemotherapy sessions. He was rambling on and on about how his hair was falling out. Finally I offered to sell the diseased fellow a wig made entirely of rat fur. Well I could literally feel the anger emanating through my keyboard. I'm sure that guy is dead now...but it was at that moment that I realized I had a gift. Eventually I moved on to message boards, where my comments often got me banned by administrators who didn't understand me. Finally one day it hit me like a wet sack filled with severed penises: I needed my own blog!!! And the rest is history.


Willo's Mom says: Dyckerson, please help me. My daughter is completely obsessed with you. She has plastered every wall of her house with screen shots of your blog. She even keeps a journal under her mattress detailing all the fantasies she has about you. How do I discreetly tell her she has a problem? (BTW, please do not mention this on your blog. I don't want her to know I read her journal.)

Dyck responds: Your concern is admirable but unwarranted. Your daughter is exhibiting behavior that is totally consistent with my other fans. So you have nothing to worry about. In fact, why don't you and your daughter come by my place tonight around 11? Who knows, you might end up starting a journal of your own...if you know what I'm saying!


/t says: {//--**--\\} + "---0000----" / (3.1416) *-!!!-*?

Dyck responds: It's about 9 inches.


That's all the time we have for tonight. Dyckerson loves hearing from His adoring fans, so keep those emails a-comin'!


25 comments:

Willo Keays said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
~ Stacy ~ said...

..."You bring out the Manic-Depressive in me Dyck!

ROTFLMAO!

~ Stacy ~ said...

"...I'm sure that guy is dead now...but it was at that moment that I realized I had a gift."

Bwahahahaha!!!
(Or however you spell that?)

You are delightfully twisted, Mister Dyckerson.

Enemy of the Republic said...

I'm doing the blog cruise starting from Comic's world. I think you have been a marvelous inspiration for him, and you have a very impressive layout for your blog. A pleasure to meet you.

Luna*tic said...

And once again Dyck, I must warn you to LEAVE MY MOMMA out of your blog! It's just unnatural!

/t. said...

(_L  |7_  ^/(_L+/> !

/t.

Anonymous said...

I missed the commenting boat on your Price is Right blog, but I think I'm going to make Bob Barker staring at that woman's chest my screen saver.

cash said...

You left out the question I put in your inbox.

How is it that 2(30-s squared)/p+5)(10AB+10AG/AB-AG squared +100)= all the happiness that bubbles from your very being???

It's a miracle of science, I tell you.

Manola Blablablanik said...

Is that 9 inches when flacid or erect?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Hushwillo - If sensitive Dyckerson were here right now, he would take your hand and kiss it ever so gently. Then he would read you an empowering poem by Ms. Maya Angelou. Thank God he isn't here.

Stacy - I'll take that as a compliment.

Enema - A blog cruise, eh?? Well thanks for stopping by, and enjoy the all-u-can-eat buffet.

Dirtytuna - You should see the email she wrote about YOU...

Cash - You forgot to carry the one.

Manola - When flaccid...and folded in half.

puerileuwaite said...

Thanks(?) for inspiring Crash. Willo's mom sounds hot. And I'm starting to wonder if /t. and R2D2 are the same.

the dude said...

Inspired by your brand of harassment I had some anyonomous guy on another blog tell me he'd cheer me, if I broke my neck. I need a good comeback...maybe something about his mother.

Pud said...

Wow! You're such an inspiration!

andy said...

Right on, homie. I'm continually impressed. That Rat Fur shit was the best laugh I've had in weeks.

Carry on.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Dude - Now you're catching on!!

Pud - That's why I'm here. (Are you naked right now??)

Andy - I still have that wig if you're interested.

miss_lissa said...

well gosh dyck, aren't you just a special person.

jmeped said...

I have a question for you, but I already know the answer. You bring out something in me too clown, but I am out of bleach. You are changing the world one freak at a time.

/t. said...

or
how about

" winning hearts and minds
  one freak at a time™ "

good byline for this blog -- if you want to start using it, we can bill you later

/t.

Mr. Fabulous said...

Did you...did you ever know that you're my hero?

Baron Ectar said...

Glad to see there is still some Inspirational people in the world.

Crashtest Comic said...

Pul-eeease!

I get my inspiration from where every other great comics get there's...

I rip off George Carlin.

tfg said...

Maybe it's 9 inches of width. Think pizza pan....

DykesDog said...

9 inchs, are you sure about that Mighty Dyck. Or are you just trying to be a inspiration to all the smaller guys out there?

RevRee said...

This is the email response I got from Dyck after asking him the meaning of life:

"See, there's three kinds of people: dicks, pussies, and assholes. Pussies think everyone can get along, and dicks just want to fuck all the time without thinking it through. But then you got your assholes, Rev. And all the assholes want us to shit all over everything! So, pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes, Rev. And if they didn't fuck the assholes, you know what you'd get? You'd get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit!"

minwah said...

Nine inches.....come over here you...I have a ruler....and I'm gonna use it....