9/12/2006

Another Sensitive Post

Wow, the broads really seemed to dig my sensitive, classy 9/11 post! Today I was going to write about my latest bowel movement, but I have decided to forgo that post, and instead, expose some more of the inner Dyckerson. Here you go, ladies! Knock yourselves out!!


It has been a busy day, my friends. It all started this morning, when I woke up, opened my Martha Stewart drapes, and greeted the day. "What a beautiful September morn," I said to myself as I admired God's beauty. Just then, a small sparrow perched on the window ledge.

"Hello, little friend," I said to the sparrow. "I'm sorry I don't have time to talk to you, for the day is short and I have many things to do." The sparrow responded with a "tweet tweet" and fluttered away toward the majestic sky. I fixed myself a cup of herbal tea, gathered together some canned goods for the homeless shelter, and hopped into my environmentally-friendly Toyota Prius.

After stopping by the shelter, I headed for the church for the Tuesday morning sunrise service. When I arrive, I am greeted by Father O'Callahan, who is in hysterics. "Dyckerson, please help us! Our organist is out sick, and we need someone to fill in!" Naturally, I obliged. Following the service, an elderly woman came to me on bended knee. "Dyckerson, your Heavenly organ playing has healed me of my paralysis! I can walk!!" To show her gratitude, she offered me her life savings, but I refused. "Money is not important to me," I explained. "Give it to the church."

Next, I rushed over to the children's hospital to read to the blind kids. They had been asking for me, so I didn't want to be late. One of the doctors told me that a little girl's parents had died that morning in a terrible car accident, and they couldn't find any next of kin. "I don't know where to turn! Mary Sue has to be released today!" said the distraught physician. "Say no more, doc" I replied. "I shall adopt Mary Sue right now." The doctor fell to his knees and wept openly.

On the way home, I passed a homeless man begging for spare change by the road side. I stopped, got out, and walked up to the poor fellow. I put my arms on his shoulder, paused, and asked simply, "Why?" As the man told me his tale of woe, I knew what I had to do. I drove him home with my newly adopted daughter, where he received a warm bath, a clean set of clothes, and a hot meal. "You know, I used to be a pretty good cook," he told me at lunch. "Is that so," I replied. After lunch, I made a few phone calls and was able to get him a job as Head Chef of Renee's, a five-star French restaurant here in town.

Then there was a knock at the door. It was Heather, my next door neighbor. "Please help me!" she cried out. "My little kitty is stuck in a tree!" I immediately sprang into action. "I'll save your kitten," I assured her as I ascended that mighty oak. Moments later, the frightened feline was back in the safe, loving arms of its owner. "How can I ever thank you?" she asked. "The warmth and purring of your sweet little pussy is thanks enough," I told her.

Just then, the phone rang. It was my boss. "Dyckerson, when the fuck are you coming to work??!" he screamed. "Please do not use that kind of language with me," I replied. "I find it very offensive." He rattled off a few more obscenities and hung up. How can I go to work when the world needs me??

By now, I was so tired, I decided to make some hot chocolate and pop in my video of "Yentl." Now, as I lay down to slumber, I leave you with these words, which I penned whilst under the glow of the silvery moon:

Love is a river that flows long and deep
It fills my loins and makes me weep
The proper words, I cannot find
For the joy of life has blown my mind.

Good night.



There. If this shit doesn't get me laid, nothing will.



43 comments:

/t. said...

HA!

i did all that
and saved a whale
.
.
.
before lunch

you've got a ways to go

/t.

Pud said...

This story made me laugh my ass off!! I needed that to get thru my boring day at work.

RevRee said...

i'm worried about you

Manola Blablablanik said...

Who are you and what have you done to Mighty!?!

Kelli said...

I like you better when your an ass

Little Lamb said...

Who are you?

tfg said...

This is possibly the gayest thing that I've ever read. If it results in you laying some pipe, let me know immediately.

Willo Keays said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
DykesDog said...

I think someone has stolen the Mighty Dycks ID ... should we call 911?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Pud & Kelli - Please refrain from using the 'a' word. I find it offensive. Thank you in advance.

Manola - I am right here, girlfriend. My that's a lovely bathing suit you're wearing! Where did you find it??

TFG - Indeed this is a gay thread. It is my goal to spread gaity throughout the internet. We could all use more gayness in our lives, I think.

Willo - A quickie wedding?? I'm afraid not. I believe in a long engagement, followed by a proper ceremony performed by a clergyman.

Dyke - Please do not call 911. You may prevent the operators from responding to a more serious emergency. Bless you for your concern.

/t. said...

Dyck,

here are
those two
web sites you asked about:

  www.thetaskforce.org

  www.oneinstitute.org


/t.

Mr. Fabulous said...

Nice ovaries you've grown!

puerileuwaite said...

Well here's yet another sign that the rapture is imminent.

Admiring God's beauty instead of destroying it? Using a sparrow instead of a swallow? Letting the sparrow live? Herbal fucking tea?! HELPING the homeless instead of exploiting them? Environmentally friendly instead of generating more Greenhouse gasses than anyone we know? Entering an actual church WITHOUT bursting into flames?! Passing up on obvious double-entendrees such as "organ", "pussy" and "loins"? Adopting a girl without ulterior slave-trading motives? Helping the French? Giving up profanity? Watching Barbra Streisand VOLUNTARILY and ALONE without the immediate perk of getting laid for it?

Now I know how people felt when Buddy Holly died. Now we have our equivalent: the day the Big Bopper became the Big Baloney Bopper.

A moment of silence, please.

Ann Nonymous said...

this reads like the end of Groundhog Day. He didn't get laid, he got married to Andie Macdowell. Talk about backfiring.

michele said...

That's my regular routine,
it's nice you want to grow
up and be like me.

I'm flattered!

DykesDog said...

Holy Shit! Now I know what happened, he has been abducted by aliens and has a anal probe in his ass! He blessed me, that is proof!!

DykesDog said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
DykesDog said...

oh and Mighty Dyck, some advice for you if you are trying to get laid, I mean this is what is REALLY happening here ...if you leave a nice romantic "I (heart) U" written on her bathroom mirror with lipstick to surprise her when she wakes up - make sure it's not your hooker clowns lipstick you found on the floor of your pickup -Girls know their own lipstick colors.

The Dude said...

That's stupid, everyone knows chicks dig the strong, silent type who knows how to get his.

Bring back the Dyck we all know and love.

minwah said...

Will you save my kitten?

Kelli said...

ass...ass,assy ass

Mighty Dyckerson said...

P - Should the rapture indeed be imminent, I am prepared to meet my maker...for I have made peace with Him and know that my soul shall last throughout eternity.

Ann - Bill Murray made the morally correct decision. Copulation should occur only within the bonds of holy matrimony.

Michele - Your fine work will not be forgotten.

Dyke - All this talk of aliens and hookers and clowns is disquieting. You seem to be filled with personal demons. What has happened in your life to make you this way? Open your mind and your heart, my son.

Minwah - Of course I will save your precious pussy.

Kelli - I pray for your soul.

blog Portland said...

That was hot. I'm yours for the sodomizing.

Mr. Friendly said...

All you need to do now is blog about your PMS. Or perhaps your "last year fashion" shoes.

thebillofbrothers said...

This is my corner ho and there aint room enough for two of us. You bess be movin your trick ass down the street! Ya dig?

~ Stacy ~ said...

Loved the poem, Mister Dyckerson. Truly, I did.

However, I find this portion of your day a bit more intriguing...

"...your Heavenly organ playing has healed me..."

Um, are you busy tonight?

Willo Keays said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
jmeped said...

Clown I just don't know you anymore. I thought we were meant to be, and now this? Next your going to tell me your in Africa digging a well for water and curing aids at the same time. I just can't take this, first you change your whole icon, and now your whole persona. I do not deal with change. I might have to go back to being a clown fearing lesbian.

Chris said...

You're a regular Mother Theresa.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Stacy - I'm afraid I am busy tonight. I'm going to a poetry reading at a local coffee shop.

Jmeped - I saw a flower today that was so beautiful, it reminded me of you.

Christopher - I wish.

James Burnett said...

Dude, you're no fun all prim and proper.

Willo Keays said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Little Lamb said...

willo, he ignores me all the time.

Yeah, him. said...

I think girlie nation was ok wtih making you their "love" toy until you got to Yentl. You should have opted for a Lifetime program or a Reese Witherspoon movie.

Jodi said...

Stop being so sensitive, you fucking pussy!!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Willo & Lambykins - I'm not ignoring you. I have simply been rendered speechless by your incredible charm and beauty.

Yeah Him - I dropped my cable TV. I give that extra money to the poor.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Jodi - What has happened in your life to make you so angry? Has someone hurt you? You know you can talk to me anytime.

Jodi said...

I learned from the best!

jmeped said...

your killing me with this. are you just gearing up for one big bitch slap?

jmeped said...

Thanks for the flower comment. It's things like this that melt the ice around my heart a little at a time. OH, is that it are you finally in love with someone other than yourself and alissa milano?

andy said...

Now THAT was some sweet-ass shit. Thank you.

moderator said...

Looks like I will have to take up the mantle of being a dyck. The original is lost to us now.

miss_lissa said...

hmmm, first time here but let me get this straight...

you played with your Organ, had a woman on her knees offering you money & played with a pussy

& all these guys are calling you gay?

interesting.