8/17/2006

New Planets???

The world is continuing to lower its standards. Back in the good old days, in order to be a planet, you had to weigh 900 trillion tons. You had to rotate around the sun. You had to be filled with heavy solids and/or hot, deadly gasses. Basically, you had to be Rosie O'Donnell. But nowadays, seems any piece of crap floating around in space qualifies as a planet.

Case in point: Scientists claim to have discovered not one...not two...but THREE NEW PLANETS!!! Now, I'm no Albert Newton, but it seems to me these celestial bodies didn't just materialize out of nowhere. And telescopes have been around for what, at least 20 years. Surely these overpaid stargazers would've found them by now. So apparently they're lowering the requirements needed for an object to be considered a planet.

Am I the only one who is appalled by this planetary population explosion? Come on, people! Where is the outrage? Where are the protests?? A week ago, our solar system had 9 planets. Today it's 12. Tomorrow it'll be a million! Think of what this will do to the world's supply of styrofoam balls and wire coathangers!

Look, I can throw a rock a good three feet if I try really hard...I guess that would be considered a moon. And the ice cubes in my scotch glass...Those would be comets. And hey, watch out for that bright light bulb! That's a supernova!! And Star Jones' ass?? You guessed it...a black hole!!!

Or perhaps there is another explanation. Perhaps the government already knew about these three rogue planets! Maybe they were conducting top-secret experiments and didn't want us to know about them!! Don't laugh, it's possible. Although I can't prove it, I'm quite certain I was abducted and rectally penetrated by aliens back in 1991. I suspect they were trying to learn about my game show prop building techniques. I'll bet you anything that right now, they're playing "Extraterrestrial Family Feud" on Charon, and they're using MY SET DESIGN!!!

Man, this is going to be huge! Time for me to contact my friends at the National Enquirer...the only publication that dares to publish the truth anymore. I'm sure they'll be very interested in talking to me about my theories. Nobody is going to make a fool out of Mightonimous Q. Dyckerson!!!

19 comments:

~ Stacy ~ said...

"...Think of what this will do to the world's supply of styrofoam balls and wire coathangers!"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

OMGawd! I'm gonna freakin' cancel any school science solar system projects that my kids bring home. Unless the school is funding the damn styrofoam balls and providing explicit, easy-to-read, illustrated, step-by-step, numbered instructions that don't call for one iota of parental assistance!

Ah, Mister Dyckerson, you gave me plenty of laughs today, thank you.

Little Lamb said...

Did you hear? Pluto may no longer be considered a planet! It's all so confusing.

I have updated my blog.

Willo Keays said...

WHY do you always pick on poor Rosie!!!

DykesDog said...

really what has poor Rosie done to you Mr Dykerson?!!! Do tell!!!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Stacy - It wasn't THAT funny.

Lambo - Pluto no longer a planet? I hope they don't tamper with Uranus...

Willo & Dyke - Rosie is a loud-mouth bitch and I hate her. Any more questions??

Little Lamb said...

Pluto is in the fate of those who decide these things.

I say lets keep Pluto az a planet regardless of what they say. Let's make up our own minds.

Willo Keays said...

sigh....then you're really not gonna like me then - huh?

jmeped said...

OH! Now I know for sure we are meant to be clown! I thought it was odd I seem to be the only person who cared they were just going to TRY and sneak those planets past us. Now tell me your theory on the landing of the moon, cause I think it's a hoax....

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Willo - You don't honestly like that woman...do you???

Jmeped - Great minds think alike! Of course the moon landing was a hoax! How else would you explain the lack of green cheese? The shot the whole thing on the Warner Bros. back lot. I can't discuss it here for fear that my blog may be monitored by the government. But meet me at midnight tonight at the laundromat on route 5 and I'll explain everything...

jmeped said...

I just love a good conspiracy and the hijinks that ensue trying to uncover it! I'll be there with my Nancy Drew dectective kit and my fingerprint dust!

~ Stacy ~ said...

I beg to differ, Mister Dyckerson. It was THAT funny to me. If you had 5 kids' worth of hangers and styrofoam ball Solar System replicas being configured in your home... Well then, you'd understand my lengthy laughter. So fuck you. It was too funny.

jmeped said...

Stacy- You have 5 KIDS!?!?!?! Now wonder you like it here, your already crazy!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Jmeped's right! FIVE KIDS?? Forget the solar system. You ought to be able to make your own styrofoam universe!!

Willo Keays said...

Yes - I really do like Rosie! Heck - the only difference between her and me is - I'm pretty and I'm straight! Otherwise ... we could be sisters!

Manola Blablablanik said...

Mighty, what's wrong with you? No corny URANUS jokes?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Willo - Don't ever post here again!

Manola - If you'll look carefully, you'll see I slipped in a Uranus comment in Lambo's first post...but I think it went over her head. ;)

Willo Keays said...

seriously? :::sniff:::

DykesDog said...

Jmeped, please control your clown ...

jmeped said...

That's part of his charm. Beside if I could control him what fun would we have?