8/27/2006

Marriages I Am Riding Out

According to recent data that I made up, roughly 96% of all marriages end in divorce. In addition, 3% are annulled. The remaining 1% are sham marriages...



...With these factoids in mind, I am currently waiting for not one...not two...but FOUR marriages to end. After all, as any investor will tell you, you never put all your eggs in one basket. Diversification is key!!! These four marriages involve chicks from my checkered past that I've had the hots for, but lost to other guys through no fault of my own...



Marriage #1 involves my high school sweetheart. I'll call her Ms. X. She had long brown hair and a smile that would light up a room...that is, if she held a flashlight in her teeth while she was smiling. We went out on approximately one date, after which she told me she wanted to see other people and I told her to go fuck herself. Unfortunately she went on to marry some asshole cop. Last I heard, the lucky couple had spawned at least once, but that still doesn't change the statistics. The way I see it, when the inevitable divorce eventually does occur, Ms. X will be a single, middle-aged mommy. In other words, she'll be desperate. And ole Dyckie will be there, ready to take advantage of your lowered standards and your need for a male role model for you bastard kid.

Divorce probability: VERY HIGH. Marriages involving cops are statistically twice as likely to end in divorce. Add to that the fact that he could die in the line of duty, and I'd say my chances here are excellent!

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Marriage #2 involves my college roommate and our lovely blonde next door neighbor. I'll call her Ms. Y. Roomie was the first to meet Ms. Y. He actually stumbled over her drunken body in the hallway on the way back from a late class. Soon she started hanging out in our dorm room, and we all became good friends. We both secretly wanted her, but since he met her first, I allowed roomie to take the first shot at her. Bad idea. Who would've thought the assholes would actually fall in love and get married?!

Divorce probability: FAIRLY HIGH. Guess what! Roomie pissed his college degree down the shitter and joined the military. In fact, my sources tell me he is serving in Kuwait even as I type. Because of his career, they haven't bought a home, and they haven't spawned. They've been married almost 10 years now, but Ms. Y is 35 years old - biological clock a-ticking away - so I figure she's aching to hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet before her eggs dry up. Well guess what, Ms. Y! Dyckie's swimmers are ready and waiting!!!

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Marriage #3 involves a former co-worker. I'll call her Ms. Z. She and I were hot and heavy for quite some time, but sadly, she was already engaged to an out-of-town fiance, so the odds were stacked against me. However, I had the advantage of not only being close by...but also being her supervisor. Yes, friends, this relationship was wrong on many levels. But alas, she finally married her absentee boyfriend and moved far, far away to be with the little prick.

Divorce probability: MEDIUM. Once married, they wasted no time spawning. In fact, she was already preggers when she walked down the aisle. (Thank God a paternity test was never ordered.) Anyway, I think they're up to kid number three now, so chances are they're stuck with each other, like it or not. But every year I send her a Christmas card along with a picture of my wang, so I haven't quite given up yet.

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Marriage #4 involves a former client at a company I used to work for. I'll call her.....well, I'll have to call her Ms. Z again because I ran out of letters. Should've started with W. Anyway, this chick was cute as hell, but flat as a pancake and a little young. She was like 21, and I was 32. But she was a very mature 21, and I was a very immature 32, so I figured it all evened out. Not that I wouldn't have nailed her anyway. As an added bonus, her daddy was a stinking rich local real estate developer, so I'd have been set for life. The only catch: Ms. Z and her family were religious fanatics. By religious fanatics, I mean they actually went to church more than twice a year! Wow!! So I started doing all this bullshit charity work to try to impress her, but it turned out to be a total waste of time, because she ended up marrying some loser she knew from college. After I found out about the marriage, I tried to bill the charity for the hours I worked, but they never paid. Fucking bastards.

Divorce probability: LOW. No guy in his right mind is going to divorce a good-looking chick with rich parents...I don't care how flat chested she is. It just ain't gonna happen.



So that's my list. Surely at least one of these four marriages will end sooner or later. The only question is, which one will be first???

20 comments:

Marcia said...

I'd bet heaviest on Ms. Z (a), as it's already been proven that she likes the Mighty Dyck.

But Ms. X and Ms. Y? Most likely to get divorced, so that's a tough call...

Crashtest Comic said...

Nothing better than a little superviser/underling lovin'. Had me a little of that action back in the day--& I can tell you there's few berries sweeter than forbidden fruit.

When I worked in Connecticut as a manager of--something--one of my employees (a red-headed firecracker of a pill-popper & god knows whatelse) came into the office every morning shaking her ass & high heels--so I tapped it.

Got fired. Didn't like the job anyway.

Great post, man. A+.

tfg said...

Are you saying that you've given up on trying to pick up chicks at the Special Olympics?

jmeped said...

If I have to see, or read one more thing about crazy and dawson's river kid I'm going to kill someone. Honestly who gives a crap if these two bought a baby, stole a baby, made her up, who cares. They aren't even married and if they do I give them 10 months....did you miss me?

the dude said...

Why worry about these fools when arranging a marriage works so much easier. I saw how they did it in tribes in Africa. All you have to do is offer your best bull to a rich powerful king of a clan and in return you get his shapely 14 year old virgin daughter as a bride.

DykesDog said...

I say just wait till you go in heat - do the deed and forget long term commitments!

RevRee said...

I'd forget all of them and invest in a mail order bride. I've heard russian chicks can be pretty hot...

puerileuwaite said...

Funny you should mention it, RevRee. I've heard the same thing ...

~ Stacy ~ said...

I have absolutely nothing clever to add this time around, go figure. But I couldn't just LMAO and leave. Great post, Mister Dyckerson!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Comic - We had an ass shaker at my old office. She was hot as hell, but rumor had it that she was highly diseased...so I passed.

Jmeped - Of course I missed you, silly clowness! How's my favorite career lesbian doing these days?

Rev - I tried a mail order bride once, but she didn't survive the trip to America. Seems they forgot to put air holes in the envelope.

Manola Blablablanik said...

What about your harem of house cleaners???

jmeped said...

WTF?! Listen clown you know my time is valuable now, when I come over here to visit I expect there to be something new to entertain me. Oh, well I guess I'll just go visit the pug....

Chris said...

Holy Crap! You want to give up stalking and get married. What the hell is this world coming to?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Jmeped - Watch it...or I'll just have to find someone else to bleach my shorts!

Chris - Who says I can't do both??

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Mighty, go forth and wreck all 4 homes. Start with the cop's wife . . .

Crashtest Comic said...

hey marcia--dig the shoes!

Willo Keays said...

Ahem ..... you forgot to mention your virtual love interests.

Pud said...

I've got my money on Marriage #3 not lasting. And when it does...you know she is going to be coming back for some more clown action.

Yeah, him. said...

I think the military wife will end first. Having been in the Air Farce, I know that most women who are married to guys who deploy for 6 months+ at a time have a hard time keeping their legs shut UNLESS they have a million little kids running around and no babysitter. That cuts down on the options. Theoretically.

Stay away from those religious women. No matter how good it sounds, they could force you to go with to church and frankly, that's punishment for shoplifting in some countries.

Also, stay away from the overly fertile women and the drunk women. You just don't want the headaches. If you need to be reminded of what could happen, turn on any country radio station and listen to the next 10 female fronted songs. And then run like hell.

Nea said...

I don't know, I don't think your chances are very good no matter what happens. I think they all got you figured out......

Something about the comment, "I want to be free to date other people," that isn't a good sign....