8/10/2006

Job Update

First of all, I am happy to report that I have figured out how to operate my chair. I got me one of them high-tech office chairs where everything on it is adjustable. For the first three weeks, every time I would lean back, the back of the chair would lean back with me, giving me no fucking lumbar support. Those of you who know me, know I am a staunch advocate of lumbar support. In fact, I even belong to a lumbar support group that meets once a week. We get together at a coffeehouse and make fun of alcoholics. But seriously folks, I finally figured out how to set the back of the chair to stay in one fucking position regardless of my bodily movements.

In other news, I now have a waste receptacle at my workstation. This comes after several repeated pleas to Pam, the sassy black administrative assistant. What's the big deal about a waste receptacle, you ask? Try going without one for a few weeks. Every time I generate a piece of waste, I have to find a receptacle in a common area to place it in. I mean, I can't just go to some stranger's workstation and throw my waste products in their personal waste receptacle. How would you like it if somebody walked into your workstation and threw a rotting fish in your waste receptacle? I suspect you wouldn't like it at all. So as you can see, having your own waste receptacle is a big deal.

Furthermore, I have repositioned my computer monitor in such a way that my co-workers cannot see what I'm doing when they pass by my workstation. Am I transferring a file? Am I responding to an email? Or am I playing Texas Hold 'Em? They'll never know!!!

And finally, Scott the salsa king is on vacation this week! He's the one with the overwhelming need for everyone to approve of his condiments. Let me tell you, this guy has turned out to be quite an annoying little prick. Everytime he gets up and walks by my workstation (which is every five minutes), he makes a fist with his left hand flicks the fingers of his right hand against it. It's hard to describe, but the sound is unmistakable, and it's already driving me nuts. It's an obvious cry for attention, just like it is with the crappy salsa he shoves down our throats. Oh, and the other day he stands up and yells across the room, "Hey Dyckerson, I just shot you an email! I've got a file that's got to go out first thing in the morning!" Gee thanks for that announcement, asshole. I guess just sending the email wasn't enough. You have to tell the whole office how important your goddamn file is. (I ended up deleting it.) So the fact that he is on vacation this week is nothing short of a miracle.

That is all.


16 comments:

~ Stacy ~ said...

[chuckle] Thanks for the laughs, I needed that.

Congrats on the personal waste receptacle. You're really moving up in the cube world. Woot! Woo Hoo! Yippy-Skippy!

What's this shit about making fun of alcoholics though? And hey... Thanks for the thought, but fuck the half-empty '92 bottle of Zima. [grumble-grumble] (Stingy ol' clown... bogartin' the good stuff. Hope his lumbar support pops a bolt.)

Yeah, I'm leaving now.

Still love you, though. Jerk.

Willo Keays said...

ummmm ... stacy .... ummm ... back off. Dyck's now MY man. Or didn't you knw - there was a clause in my warranty. If I were to lose one spouse - then Dyck would be my immediate replacement spouse. I"m still waiting for this new job to start sending his paycheck my way ... but it hasn't happened yet. Dyck - where is my spousal support?!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Ooooh, catfight! Wait, let me get my popcorn!!!

Willo, with all that coin you have, you should be supporting ME. Come on, sugar momma...where's my RX-8?

Willo Keays said...

I sent it to you last week? You didn't get it?

jmeped said...

Fucking clown, I knew you couldn't be faithful for an hour, I posted that tribute to you and all. See if I climb on your spin cycle again! Besides when you get drunk we know who you really love! ; )

Spill The Beans said...

I'm happy to hear you're finally settling into things insofar as your quirks and oddities allow.

~ Stacy ~ said...

Aw shucks, Willo, just 'cuz I love 'em, doesn't mean I won't share. Just don't ask to borrow the '74 Gremlin he gave me and we're all good.

DutchBitch said...

OMG! I got me one of these chairs as well. Send me a detailed description of all you've figured out, puh-lease...

Manola Blablablanik said...

Did the chair come with a vibrator?

jmeped said...

Hey clown dear I'm sending you over some of MY salsa, and one of those backless ergonomic chairs. This will help with your posture so you can sit up straight when you clothesline your co-worker next time he flicks his knuckles at you.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Jmeped, I knew you couldn't stay mad at me.

XXXOOO

blog Portland said...

You know, I would have pegged you for just the kind of person to dump your waste in someone elses space. Who figured the great Dyck has a considerate streak?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

You were right the first time, McFatty. But the key is being able to get away with it.

Cash said...

I was trying to make "If you can't be a lumbar, be a lumbar supporter" into a funny joke but it isn't coming to me.

I guess I need to watch "Porkys" again.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Cash, better let me handle the jokes. You're in over your head.

RevRee said...

I'd just like to state for the recored, remember who has your son!