8/21/2006

I Killed Jon Benet

There, I said it. I am the real killer, and I was with little Jon Benet when she died. What, you don't believe me?? You think I'm just looking for attention??! Then perhaps you'd like to extract a DNA sample from my stained underwear! (Jmeped can assist you with this task.) Just, um, do me a favor and wait two weeks before you do the testing, OK? I've got a book coming out next week, and I'm doing Regis. And Letterman. And Oprah. And I'll be guest judging on the new reality show, "So You Think You've Got Cancer."

And by the way, you'll have to extradite me, as I am currently in Thailand teaching sex education to kindergartners. I'd like a first-class window seat on a snake-free 747, and no early morning flights - I tend to stay up nights working on my album.

Whew. I'm glad I got that off my chest. Oh, and while I'm at it...I also killed Nicole Simpson. And John Lennon. And it was my idea to kill off Col. Henry Blake on M*A*S*H.

Call my agent to arrange an interview.

21 comments:

RevRee said...

But who killed Hoffa?

Oh, and I got a DNA samply for ya, his name is Jr!!!!

Kelli said...

Didnt you hear? Stephen King killed John Lennon
Poser

DS said...

Brilliant post....That guy is a Fucking freak. I see it this way that he got caught banging some tai-10 year old that called him poppy. So he decided that Tai prison would be harder than American prison. (did ya ever see Broke Down Palace) My point exactly

Crashtest Comic said...

I solved the JonBenet Ramsey Case on my blog, and it wasn't you, baby!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Rev - Hoffa is still alive. I saw him in the produce section when I was picking out organic bananas.

DS - Broke Down Palace? Is that anything like Broke Back Mountain??

jmeped said...

While your at it, why don't you run into the airport with a pack of hot dogs duck taped to your self and yell I have a bomb.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

If Norman Bates had a perverted, little brother he would look like that guy. Reminds me of a good joke:

'So I'm laying in bed with my girlfriend, and she says, Ken, you're such a pedophile. And I go, "Pedophile? That's a big word for an 8-year-old.'

blog Portland said...

I loved that fat fucker from M.A.S.H., you bastard.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Jmeped - Hot dogs make a lousy bomb. They're solid.

Dr. N - I don't get it.

McFatty - I think you've got your gray t-shirt on too tight again. Henry Blake wasn't fat. Winchester maybe, but not Blake.

DykesDog said...

Do you wear your clown pants up around your nipples - this is the tell tale sign you know!

Crashtest Comic said...

The sad thing is:

the smartest person on this blog is the freaking dog!

puerileuwaite said...

I'm disappointed that NO ONE has yet noticed how much the creep (not me or Mighty D this time ... I mean the dude being extradited) looks like Eric's dad from "That 70's Show". And this, my friends, may be the biggest tragedy.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Dyke - Yep, and I save a fortune on suspenders by using my nipple rings to hold up my pants.

jmeped said...

No one likes monkey nipples. And now I can't call you clown with affection anymore. I don't like hey monkey stop looking up my skirt. Hey monkey stop flinging poo at me. Hey monkey just isn't the same.....

Mighty Dyckerson said...

But Jmeped, it's a monkey...in a clown suit! I thought you'd like it! I had you in mind the whole time I was dressing the monkey.

jmeped said...

well.........he does have a banana!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

The monkey has that shit-eating grin too, like he has big ideas for that banana.

cash said...

I wish you'd killed off that guy who played "BJ" on MASH instead. If I want to see smug political kooks that don't make me laugh, I'll watch Al Franken.

Little Lamb said...

I updated my blog with something fun.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Lambo, this is a respectable blog. I don't approve of that sort of violence.

Pud said...

I killed JonBennet! I wanted my kid to win the beauty pageant! Oh wait...I don't have kids...fine! You killed her then...Attention Whore!