8/23/2006

DON'T TALK TO ME WHILE I URINATE!

We have a top-notch shitter at my new job. Much nicer than the shitter at the old place.

That thing reeked like a mofo on a hot summer morn. Which is surprising because the rest of the office was pretty nice. And the guys who worked there were white collar professionals. Not the kind of guys who you'd think would piss all over the floor or leave pubes on the rims of the urinals. But they surely did, and with great frequency. And don't get me started about the semen deposits on the ceiling. That's right, the ceiling. Apparently someone was going in there and pleasuring himself, but instead of wiping the jizz on his socks like a normal guy, he preferred to fling his wad into the air, where they hung from the acoustical ceiling tiles like stalagmites. (Or is it stalactites? I always get the two confused.) Anyway, they made me feel like a goddamn spelunker every time I went to take a whiz. I mean, what kind of sicko would do such a thing??!

OK, it was me. But that's beside the point. I mean, you'd think the cleaning crew would scrape that stuff off every once in a while, but apparently they were too busy wiring their meager paychecks back to Mexico.

But that's all in the past. Nowadays, I'm relieving myself in luxury. The new shitter has granite countertops, gorgeous ceramic tile, sparkling-clean porcelain fixtures. There's even a full-length mirrored wall. And no matter the time of day, it always smells like potpourri. Indeed, it is the kind of shitter where a man can drop a deuce with pride. Why, I don't even have the heart to flog the dolphin in there. It would be like vandalizing a church.

Which brings me to the point of this post. Yesterday afternoon on my way home, I decided to visit the company crapetorium to take a wicked piss. Better safe than sorry, I always say. So I'm at the left-hand urinal whizzing away, when in walks one of my co-workers. He saddles up to the right-hand urinal and starts doing his thing. Fine, no problem, thanks to this lovely 4-foot metal divider. But then he did something I absolutely hate in a public restroom. He spoke.

"So how are you liking the new job?" he asked. Well, I liked it a lot better about three seconds ago, jackass.

People, even if you only know one thing about me, you know it's that I hate talking to people. And if there's anything I hate more than talking to people, it is talking to people while I am urinating. I mean, is nothing sacred anymore???

I suppose I should be grateful he didn't say something cute, like "How's it hanging?"...or "Do you need a hand with that?"...Or that it wasn't Salsa Boy offering me a taste of his latest concoction. But don't get me wrong. If you want to make noise in a shitter, that's fine. You can cough, sneeze, blow your nose, even let one rip if you must. Hell, I don't care if you whistle the theme to "Love Boat," just DON'T TALK TO ME WHILE I'M PISSING!!!

Now thanks to this douchebag, the sanctity of the company toilet is forever tarnished. From now on, I will have to live in fear of having my privacy violated by an effeminate chatterbox with infantile genitalia.

Thanks a lot.


23 comments:

puerileuwaite said...

Well that was awkward. You posted this while I was urinating.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Love, exciting and new
Come aboard, were expecting you
Love, lifes sweetest reward
Let it flow, it floats back to you

Crashtest Comic said...

I love the smell of toilets in the morning..

Smells like....victory.

One day this shit's gonna end.

RevRee said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
RevRee said...

Are you sure you weren't in the ladies room?...

DykesDog said...

I think they should hire someone to stand in there and monitor you and your co- workers activitys! Then he could tell him, "shhhhh" no talking in the little boys room!

jmeped said...

This too clown is one thing I can't stand! I hate going to the restroom with a friend for fear they will talk to me. Just ignore them and then they sound like a freak getting all irritated because you won't answer. I also hate bathroom attendants. I am not giving you a dollar because you handed me a paper towel. You have to earn that dollar.......

the dude said...

It's still not as awkward as sitting on the pot laying a deuce while listening to a guy talk on a cell phone in the next stall over.

Marcia said...

Honestly. I don't understand why some people don't get that BODILY FUNCTIONS AND CONVERSATION DON'T MIX!!!

Anonymous said...

i interned at a place where one woman always held full conversations in the bathroom.

if she was in one of four stalls and i walked in, she'd try to guess who just walked in, and then would talk. she kept talking even as she was taking care of "business."

if i was in a stall and she walked in, she'd peek under the doors and guess who was sitting down.

of course, she always guessed the wrong person.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Rev - I'm sure. Don't ladies' rooms always have pictures of flowers on the walls?

Dyke - Why put an extra man on the payroll?? Just run a few thousand volts through the urinal.

Jmeped - Another reason why you and I were meant to be. But where the hell are you going to get power towel service? In most men's rooms, you're lucky if they have one of those stupid blower thingies.

Dude - Are you sure he had a cell phone?

jmeped said...

Hang with me clown, I can even get you chewing gum. If your really nice I might swing hand lotion.

~ Stacy ~ said...

So.

You finally found the company crapetorium. Good for you.

I'm with jmeped on this one... Just ignore the ill-mannered, clueless twit. Then later, drop a copy of "Bathroom Etiquette For Dummies", on his desk.

James Burnett said...

I'm with you Mighty. Talking to another guy while he's holding a handful of himself is a 100% violation of the code. Nothing said standing at a pisser can't wait a few minutes till you're both outside the can, unless of course the guy next to you is saying "Look out, the ceiling's caving in!" or "Run, fire!"

karla said...

Hey, I learned my lesson long ago. The last time I tried to talk to you while you were urinating, you nipped that shit in the bud. I'll never try that again.

Mr. Anthrope said...

Just do what I do: When someone says something while I'm taking a piss, I stop, walk over to them with my schlong still hanging out and say, "Were you talking to me or my penis?"
They never speak to me in the restroom again.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Jmeped - Hand lotion would be awesome. I go through two or three jars a night.

Jimbo - Where can I find a copy of this code? I'd like to post it above each urinal.

Babbler - I'd nip your bud anytime, baby!

Mr. Anthrax - Even better, do a ventriloquist act with your wang. Speak with your mouth closed while pinching the peehole with your fingers!

James Burnett said...

The code is the Cowboy Code, MD. It's largely unwritten. But like prophets before me, every so often I have a vision - or wait, is that a seizure? - and "release" a chapter of the code on my blog.

Pud said...

There is nothing worse than when work bathrooms suck ass! It just tops off that beat down day you are having when you have to walk into that nastiness to take care of business.

tfg said...

At least he wasn't talking to you while you were using the sink as a bidet.

tfg said...

Additionally, I am more than a little alarmed at reading the the lyrics from the Love Boat on this here. I may well have to implement the policy of affixing a protective pieplate over my ass before I read this blog.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Love Boat soon will be making another run
The Love Boat promises something for everyone
Set a course for adventure
Your mind on a new romance

blog Portland said...

I don't buy into the whole "must be on equal ground" rule about talking to someone in the bathroom. As far as I'm concerned, we are all strangers in there, and eye contact, and eye-to-penis contact is strictly forbidden.