Coming this fall: Everybody Loves Dyck!

I am so excited, I could urinate on myself.

Last night, as I am finishing up my third box of Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies, I get a phone call. It's Warren Zuckerfield, the new head of programming for NBC, calling from Tinseltown! He tells me he was eating at Jack-in-the-Hole earlier that day and got my number off the bathroom wall. Turns out he's a long-time fan of The Mighty Blog, and get this.....he wants to produce a sitcom based on my life! Folks, I kid you not!!!*

Now as you can imagine, a man like Warren Zuckerfield doesn't fuck around. We get straight down to business. Mr. Zuckerfield asks me what it would take for me to sell the television rights to my blog. I tell him to take Howie Mandel's salary and DOUBLE IT. He readily agrees, so needless to say I stand to earn well into the three-figure range! Then I tell him I want full creative control of the show. Everything from casting to writing to editing. This part took a little convincing (and promises of sexual favors from Jmeped), but I finally got him to go along with it.

So today I started working on casting and character development, and here's what I have so far:

Mighty Dyckerson - A single father with a potty mouth trying to raise two precocious twin daughters (Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen) while managing a successful whorehouse. Played by Mel Gibson.

RevRee - The half-&-half, live-in housekeeper with an attitude. She keeps Dyckerson and the girls in line. Played by Halle Berry.

HushHush - The wealthy widow who lives next door to the whorehouse. She's always complaining about the noise and the used prophylactics on her front lawn. Played by Rosie O'Donnell.

Moderator - Dyckerson's best friend and business partner. A washed-up scientist, he shakes down the whores for tip money and keeps the cops at bay. Played by Gary Busey.

Judi & Smelly - The whores. Played by Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton.

Jmeped - Dyckerson's current love interest. She used to be a lesbian until Dyckerson converted her. Played by Alyssa Milano.

In the premiere episode, things get wacky when Mighty Dyckerson accidentally gets handcuffed to Judi and Smelly. Meanwhile, Moderator buys a chemistry set and blows his right arm off in an experiment that goes wrong. Meanwhile, Jmeped bleaches Dyckerson's shorts while naked. Meanwhile, HushHush auditions for the new reality show, So You Think America's Got Big Losers. Meanwhile, RevRee files a paternity suit against Dyckerson. Guest star Maury Povich.

So that's what I have so far. I talked to my agent, and he thinks he can get me a guest spot on Hollywood Squares. I'm hoping to get a square next to that Hoopi Goldstein. She's such a riot! Anyway, wish me luck. I'll keep you posted on any further developments!!

* Yes, I do.


Anonymous said...

And who will be cast as the body double for your dong?

"I'm a Star!"

Jodi said...

I get to play a whore? Holy shit there is a GOD. I have some issues with being handcuffed to you, though. I'll demand more pay for that. I'll have my agent contact you.

karla said...

How true to life will this show be? For instance, will your erectile dysfunction be a topic?

Manola Blablablanik said...

What? No Manola?

Willo Keays said...

God - I LOVE Rosie!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Judi - Yes, it is the role you were born to play. Are you still working with Ovitz?

Ms. Babble - Shhh...That only happened once, and I told you it was due to stress!

Manola - Sorry, I figured you'd be busy doing movies with C.F.

Willo - How did I know that? Rosie seems to be loved by the fat chicks!

RevRee said...

Wow, staring in a sitcom with Dyckerson! This isn't like I imagined it would be in the bathtub.

jmeped said...

You made me laugh out loud clown! I want creative control over my part, bonuses that don't include laundry, and on set "favors" and a guest part by Tony Danza. Oh, and I also want control over Kraft services. I will get back to you on how your going to have Lindsey Lohan on set due to my fear of stds.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Rev - Dyckerson is the star! Everyone else is just supporting cast, and don't you forget it!

Jmeped - Oh, I'll give you a "Tony Danza" alright, babe... ;)

jmeped said...

That's odd I always thought you would have named "it" big top pee wee.

Willo Keays said...

Inquiring minds want to know ... Does Dyckerson REALLY look like Mel Gibson?

Kelli said...

Excellent! This has been a fantasy of mine for quite a while now. I'd be honored to be handcuffed to you, although Jodi needs to be tied up somewhere else (she likes that sort of thing)

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Hush Jmeped...Alyssa might be reading this.

Willo, no, but I have been known to wear a kilt on occasion.

Stench, I'm all about making fantasies come true. What others do you have??

Pud said...

So...is this show going to be on the Thursday night lineup?

~ Stacy ~ said...

So, when your ratings soar, (as I'm sure they will), I'll spring for another box of Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies. That way you can celebrate in style.

Chris said...

Buddy Holly is funnier than me? That's funny.

Willo Keays said...

You wear a kilt? Oh my .... when r u coming over?

Moderator said...

Whew ... for a minute I thought you said I was going to be played by Gary Coleman.

And can I just lose a finger in the first episode? Otherwise I am out of limbs by episode 3.