Work Sucks!

Holy fucking shit in Heaven above, I hate starting a new job.

First of all, you're trying to make a good impression, so everything is a test. Better not show up for work late the first day. Better not have any armpit stains on your shirt. Better not do five grams of cocaine and have sex with the secretary in the janitor's closet during lunch.

Then you have to remember everyone's names and pretend like you're happy to meet them. Plus, I fucking hate people who say "welcome aboard." They all think they're the first ones to come up with that line. For the love of shit, just say "hi" and get back to your Solitaire game.

Next, if you're in a large building, you've got to figure out where the fuck everything is. The place where I'm working is such a huge maze of cubes, I have to pull up fucking MapQuest to find a place to take a goddamn leak. And I'm told there's a snack machine on the third floor. Perhaps next spring, I'll take a week off and try to find it.

Not to mention all the dumbass company policies. This company has a fucking policy or procedure for EVERYTHING. Need a paper clip? Just log on to the company's intranet site and fill out a request form. Want to take time off? You get 8.002 hours vacation time for every 41.375 hours worked, except if it's a leap year, in which case you get 7.9993 hours off per 40.0040322222 hours worked. Shit, this company even has a form to fill out if you run out of other forms!

Perhaps most important is the office politics. Who can you go to for help? Who should you avoid like the plague? Stuff like, "Don't bother Bob if it's the last Friday of the month - he's always cranky because that's the day he has to pay his alimony." Or, "Alice is a dyke, so don't tell her you hate Rosie O'Donnell, even if you do."

Despite all this, the job seems to be going well so far. Actually, I haven't done a fucking lick of work since I've been there...so it's quite similar to my old job in that regard. In fact, I've been told by several people not to expect any actual work til I've been there a few weeks. I'm not looking forward to it.


puerileuwaite said...

Nice to meet you Mr. Dykerson. This is my first day, too. Commenting on your blog, I mean. (Oh shit, why'd I lead off with a dumbass opening like that? Fuck!)

Oh well. Can I have my 5-grams of coke and some time alone with your secretary now?

(p.s. - have you stolen anything yet? ... or is there way too much paperwork involved?)

jmeped said...

Gee, clown, why don't you come be the collection clown for my little flower shop? You can do all the coke you like, but you have to be nice to the customers. As far as the closet you might have to spend quality time with guadelupe' she's the preganant columbian girl I make spray down the flowers with pestiside. Don't worry though she doesn't speak english, the only paper work I have is tp, and I can only pay you in "favours"

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Puerileuwaite - No, but you can have a warm beer and five minutes with Alice the Dyke.

Jmeped - You've got a deal. But I shall require weekends, Mondays, and Fridays off. And I have a 10am tee time on Wednesdays, so I won't be in til after lunch. And I'll need three weeks paid vacation in August.

Cara said...

So have you christened the company shitter by rubbing one out yet?

Willo Keays said...

Hee hee ... I bet MY new job is better than your new job!!!!!!!

neener neener NEENER!

Anonymous said...

"Nice to meet you Mr. Dykerson ..."

That's Dyck, not Dyke, dear. At least it was the last time I checked.

I wish I had a fucking job. My kids are driving me insane. In my next life, just shoot me if the words 'stay-at-home-mom' end up in my vocabulary.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Cara - No, but I can't wait to. I swear, the crapeteria is the nicest part of the whole fucking building! Tile floors so clean you could eat off of them...granite countertops with built-in soap dispensers...and a urinal a man can piss in with pride.

Husho - Please. Your job is nothing but a glorified librarian. I hope you know the Dewey Decimal System.

Tripe Face said...

Dyck, how do you think Hushie got the job... She went to Dewey and figured out a new system for his decimal!

Then Dewey filled her job "internally" know what I mean, nudge, nudge, wink wink!

jmeped said...

August, hmmmmm, I don't know.....that only leaves tues and thurs really, and I require way more me time than that. If you find a sub that can pump me on the handle bars of my bike to work you got a deal. That is the phrase right, pump, why does it sound so dirty for such a childhood thing?

Chief Scientist said...

They're not kidding about the sex in closets stuff. Don't do it. Even anal sex. You'd think that would be exempt.

ecp said...

I'm starting a pool on when Dyck will be fired from this job. If you want in, send me an email.

Willo Keays said...

ecp darlin'- it would be easier to send you an e-mail if you actually provided your e-mail address.