7/10/2006

I Have Been Ass Raped.

At least, that's what it feels like. Not that I would know, mind you. I mean, I've never been ass raped before...unless you count that one time I accidentally sat on a Zima bottle. But that's another story for another day. No, the pain I am feeling right now comes from something called a "hemorrhoid." The term "hemorrhoid" comes from the latin hemo, which means unGodly painful burning sensation, and the German rrhoid, which means asscrack.

Special thanks to my internet wife and business associate RevRee for helping me to diagnose this condition. Last night during one of our cybersex sessions, I happened to discreetly mention that my ass hurts. I told her I suspected a hemorrhoid, but I wasn't sure. But being the sport that she is, RevRee rushed right over and examined me for lumps. And let me tell you something, friends, that woman sure is thorough! Honestly, at one point she was in up to her elbow! I swear, you'd think she had been probing anuses her whole life!!

Turns out the examination revealed one hemorrhoid...as well as several hairy, hardened dingleberries. So I was off to the store to pick up a tube of ass cream. I could already envision the impending nightmare at the check-out counter, as the cashier announces over the loudspeaker: "I NEED A PRICE CHECK ON PREPARATION-H! THAT'S RIGHT, THE GUY STANDING RIGHT HERE BESIDE ME HAS A SORE ASS AND NEEDS SOME OINTMENT, SO HE CAN TAKE IT HOME AND RUB IT ON HIMSELF!!"

When I returned, Nurse RevRee was waiting for me with some cotton swabs. As I stood bent over the kitchen table while she gently applied the ass cream, I couldn't help but think to myself, "If this isn't love, I don't know what is."

Today, the pain is still quite exquisite, thanks in part to an unfortunate cough and a rare mid-morning dump (two big no-no's for hemorrhoid sufferers). But fear not, Dyck fans...for I am on the mend and expect my bum to be in tip-top shape in no time. I just wish I knew what caused this excrutiating affliction. Personally, I think I caught it from Stacy. Lord knows where that woman has been - am I right people??!

But let's look on the bright side. At least I'm better off than this guy.
In the meantime, if anybody out there has any soft pillows I could borrow for a few days, my ass and I would be eternally (and externally) grateful. Thank you.

15 comments:

RevRee said...

You're most welcome, darlin'!

I just wish this damn smell would come off...

~ Stacy ~ said...

Ahhh...

I'm so sorry to hear of your affliction, Mister Dyckerson, but you can't catch pain-in-the-ass from others, you know. It's an anal retentive personality disorder brought on by a childhood toilet-training trauma.

Tamurai said...

OMG that was horrible. LOL I am a little embarasssed there Dick. *blush*

Manola Blablablanik said...

Oh man, I am always afraid to click on an external link here at Mighty Blog ... yuck!

I recommend a whoopee cushion.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Rev - You have to wash your hands, dear.

Stacy - Interesting analysis. But I received no childhood toilet training. I was in diapers til I was 23.

Tamurai - You know you love it.

Manola - What were you expecting? Colin Ferrell's penis??

The Dude said...

How in the hell did you get hold of my hemorrhoid picture?

Marcia said...

You said Zima - we used to drink that in high school, flavoring it with jolly ranchers. We thought we were so awesome. And then we got to college and discovered the wonder that is Boone's Farm Wine.

But in all honesty, that sucks about your ass. Next time I'll be more gentle with the dildo.

tfg said...

Leaving the claws on the gerbils will get you every time.

minwah said...

ouch. try some ice.... :-)

Mighty Dyckerson said...

ALRIGHT, WHICH ONE OF YOU COCKSUCKERS PUT CRAZY GLUE IN MY ASS CREAM??!!!!!

Mr. Anthrope said...

I've heard that Dr. Scholl's Freeze Away Wart Remover works like a charm on hemmi's. You should try it.

blog Portland said...

Could of done without that picture. I was eating a bowl of Cocoa Puffs.

Manola Blablablanik said...

Seriously, no joke, a sliced potato works wonders.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

McFatty - No wonder you're cuckoo.

Manola - I've got an entire order of biggie fries jammed up there. What more do you want??!

Rectal Thermometer said...

Such a graphic blog...I love it...the diggleberries and all..boy it must be love...I am having flash backs...my doc said using a wet piece of tp can avoid alot of these painful things...that and getting rid of those diggleberries..lol