Happy 4th, You Fuckers!

I know this blog is read by trillions of people around the world, but today's post is strictly for my American fans. So the rest of you can go to Hell. (Just make sure you return in time for my next post, in which I will examine foreign objects found in my feces.)

Dear Americans,

As we pause today to celebrate our independence from those lymie bastards across the pond, let us take a few moments between our wieners and burgers to remember the sacrifices our foreskins made for us to be here. Time for a little history lesson...Dyckerson style.

As we all learned in reform school, in 1492 Detective Columbo stole a speed boat from a cross-dressing queen in Spain. He then took off across the Atlantic with a case of cheap beer, got himself totally plastered along the way, and ended up landing on an island inhabited by seven stranded castaways. "Yo wazzup," he told the fat one they called the skipper. "I'm looking for a trade route to the West Indies. Yeah, that's it." The castaways sent Columbo on his way, and soon he crashed into a Plymouth parked on a beach. "What the fuck??! Who put this goddam continent here??!" America had been discovered.

Fast forward to 1607. A bunch of lymies named John Smith piled into a Carnival Cruise ship and headed west to steal America from the Indians. Upon reaching the new world, they wasted no time fucking it up. One of the John Smith's found himself an underage prostitute named Pocohontas, and they rented a room in a Motel Six. Nine months later, Vagina Dare was born. Meanwhile, some of the other John Smith's stole some tobacco from the Indians and built themselves a cigarette factory.

Well one of the other John Smith's bragged about this on MySpace to his buddies back home, and the Brits decided they wanted a piece of the action. "Let's tax those motherfuckers," they said. The colonists protested, threw a bunch of Snapple into Boston Harbor, and declared war.

The war dragged on for years, and in an attempt to boost his approval rating, President George Jefferson enlisted the help of America's first outwardly gay musician, Francis Scott Francis Francis Key Scott Francis. "The Star Spangled Banner" became an instant top 40 hit...mainly because there were only three songs in existence. All of the John Smith's and their bastard children began downloading the song onto their measely 1-gig iPods, and the president's approval rating soared.

Eventually the Americans won the war. Then a group of John Smith's met at a Waffle House and penned the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and the Bill of Rights on the back of a napkin. (It was a big napkin.) "Damn, this is some good shit," they remarked. "Let's frame it and sell copies on eBay!" And thus, the United States of America was born.

There you have it, my fellow citizens. Let us not forget the sacrifices that were made to protect the freedoms we enjoy today. So in memory of those wacky John Smith's, take a few moments today to bang a whore and smoke some weed. For this is the land of the free and the home of the brave.

Oh yeah. And fuck England.

Mightonimous Q. Dyckerson


tfg said...

You forget to mention Lexington Commons, where John Holmes fired the "moneyshot heard 'round the world."

Willo Keays said...

I didn't read this. I'm so over July 4th ... and Fireworks. However - I do like hotdogs and icecream.

I hate Independance Day too - the movie. It sucked.

I wonder how many votes I would get on BEBOTB if I wrote an anti-July 4th post?

Hmmmmm .... let's find out! :)

Pud said...

Fuck England is right!!!

jmeped said...

Where the fuck were you when I took history. If I had read your version I might not have had to blow the teacher to pass! Fucker.

Anonymous said...

Hmm..I wonder if Pocahontas traded sex for goods or did a few pounds satisfy her?

Manola Blablablanik said...

Actually, I wish you had been my history teacher. I might've actually remembered something!

The Dude said...

I'd much rather hear the story of the war of 1812 where the limey bastards came back to take over the country in 1826 but they were horribly beaten by all the bastard John Smiths and the saying "Don't Mess With Texas" is born.

Chief Scientist said...

It took them 115 years to discover hookers in America because they still had plenty of sheep.

blog Portland said...

I think Dyck is trying to cover up the fact that he's actually from England. That's right, I said it.

minwah said...

Happy 4th back at ya, YOU fucker.