7/25/2006

Corporate Hell

So I started this new job last week. And of course, along with most any new job comes...you guessed it...new co-workers. I've only met a few of these dipshits, but here's a brief glimpse of what I'm dealing with so far:

First there's Gail, the broad who, every day, comes to work reeking of coconut oil. I can't stand the smell of that shit. And what's more, the closest beach is nearly TWO HOURS from here! What the fuck, is she afraid she's going to get burned by the flourescent lights above her cubicle??! I've had to deal with these oily sun-worshipper types before, and trust me, they're all BITCHES.

Then there's Scott, the salsa king. I'm not talking about the latin dance. No, I'm referring to the condiment. This guy makes his own salsa at home, and then brings it in for everyone to sample. A nice gesture, you'd think. But you would be wrong. You see, Scott doesn't give a damn about being nice. He just wants you to compliment his salsa. A lot. "So did you like the salsa? It's got a little kick to it! It's great, isn't it? Here, have some more salsa! Isn't it great? Everybody just loves my salsa, how about you??!" I am not exaggerating here. I swear to God, if he brings that shit in one more time, I'm going to lace it with Drano.

Next, we have Jennifer the Wonder Dyke. She has been training me all week on FTP file transfers. All she does all day long is take files from a folder on one computer and move them to a folder on another computer. For security reasons, the developers and data people can't move their own goddamn files. Instead, they have to email a request to the FTP dyke. Then the FTP dyke files away the email, adds an entry into the FTP database, moves the appropriate file(s), and emails a response to the original requestor. Jennifer takes her job very seriously, but everybody else in the office knows it is a fucking joke.

Finally, there's Ethan, the guy who likes to say the word "nomenclature." I've worked at this shop for less than two weeks, and I've heard this douchebag use that word at least ten times. He uses a lot of other needlessly big words, but "nomenclature" seems to be his favorite. I guess we're all supposed to be impressed.

That's it for now, but I've only scratched the surface. This is a huge company, and I'm sure many of the other idiots and morons will soon make their presence known. So stay tuned for further updates.

12 comments:

minwah said...

Does the tanning bitch go to the tanning beds? Maybe she thinks that shit is hottttttt?? Smack her and tell her she stinks. Do us all a favor.

Nomenclature.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Probably so, Minwah. I mean, no normal person has orange skin...unless you're a cartoon character.

puerileuwaite said...

So, then, you DIDN'T like the salsa?

jmeped said...

I greese up every morning with oil to sell MY salsa, all while proving how superior my brain is by using words like philodendron and supercalifragilisousousouousshit
Does this me you hate me too?

~ Stacy ~ said...

I'm stuck on the fact that someone actually gets paid to FTP files all day. Grrrr! I FTP files on my laptop and nobody pays me a flippin' dime. WTF?

[sigh]

I'm gonna go and look up "nomenclature" now, because I have no idea what the hell that means.

...

Okay, I'm back and newly informed and I say this: Put the Draino in the salsa and shove the entire container down Ethan's exorbitantly pompous windpipe. What a tosser.

The Dude said...

When you see Lumberg (you know there will be one) and he asks where are all of the TPS reports or FTP files or whatever you call them...punch him in the face.

puerileuwaite said...

Sorry for the second comment, but I just realized something, and I felt that I should warn you!

A few years back, I worked at an office where the janitorial staff was suspected of stealing items from peoples' desks. So some coins were planted with a special clear dye that turns human skin blue or purple a little while after contact. Using this shit, they were able to catch the thieves.

I suspect that "coconut girl" may be a trap in the same fashion. Avoid extraneous contact, and use a rubber, dude.

puerileuwaite said...

Sorry for the third comment, Mighty D, but then I got to thinking about Jennifer and Ethan.

Obviously Jennifer, though useless, has some measure of power by virtue of her asinine "File Nazi" role. So it's best to ingratiate yourself to her with a quick joke to break the ice. May I suggest that you ask her if FTP is an acronym for Female-To-Penis?

Is Ethan effeminate? Actually, it doesn't matter. You can STILL neutralize his wordplay bullshit with some of your own. Use the Super Troopers approach. Sprinkle your conversations with "nomenCULture", blurted out quickly enough that he is unsure. Why? Because you just know it will get his panties in a twist. If he really gets pissed and confronts you on it, say with your best lisp: "No men? Why that thounds thoooo boring!".

We're there for you.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Jmeped - You silly lesbian! How could I possibly hate you?

Stacy - I tried your suggestion. Now the little bastard is spamming my inbox with "nomenclature" emails.

Puerileueiruewaitaete -
1. A rubber will not necessary. Coconut bitch is totally unfuckable in my book.

2. Jennifer the Wonder Dyke is transferring to another department, so she'll no longer be the File Nazi after this week. Now if I could just get her to stop coming over to my cube and sitting her fat ass on my desk...

3. Yeah, Ethan is a bit of a pansy. Maybe I'll just hide his lunch box.

jmeped said...

If me being a lesbian helps you feel better about your drunken ramblings about how much your in love with me then I'll be a lesbian, just for you, and my wife.....

tfg said...

People get paid to FTP?!? Here's what you do. Spend an hour and write a VB app that extracts the file name from Outlook and FTPs it. Show it to your new boss. Not only will you score points, but the WonderDyke will be out of job. I love technology.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Shhh TFG. Next you'll be suggesting they replace the building's elevator operator with some sort of new-fangled automatic push-button thingy.