7/13/2006

BREAKING NEWS

We interrupt this blog for some major breaking news. Dyckersonville HQ has been bustling with activity all week, so let's get right to it...


First, an update on my ass. The pain has largely subsided, thanks to the many remedies suggested by my loyal fans. I wish I knew who to give the credit to, but I've jammed everything from potatoes to tomatoes to raw egg yolks up my cornhole...so it's hard to tell which one worked. But thanks to all for trying to help.

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Next, an update on my employment status. If you're too fucking lazy to click the link, last May my company informed us that they were shutting down the local office and moving operations to Bumfuck, South Carolina, at the end of the year. I immediately began a worldwide job search, and after several grueling interviews, I finally accepted a job doing something at some company. I don't really know what I'll be doing...only that I've never really done it before, despite having told the employers otherwise. I don't really know much about the company either...except that they're willing to pay me money.

Yesterday was my last day at my old job, and I start the new job on Monday. How long the new job lasts depends on how well I can bullshit my way through it. So if any of you asshats know anything about SQL, T-SQL, DTS, and Stored Procedures, I would greatly appreciate a crash course. I bought a bigass 800-page book that covers all of this, but I really don't want to read it. In fact, I really don't even want the job. Maybe I won't show up on Monday.

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Someone has been secretly resurrecting old Dyckerson threads over on Medialine. Seems the Dyckerson legacy has not been forgotten in the four months I've been banned. In fact, my popularity appears to be greater than ever! I've been contemplating writing another suck-up email to Mark the moderator in hopes of getting him to cave. We'll see what happens.

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And speaking of message boards, Dyckersonville is on life support. Someone besides Stacy better start posting or I'm pulling the fucking plug. I honestly couldn't care less either way.


We now return you to our regularly scheduled blog, already in progress. Stay classy.


7 comments:

Chief Scientist said...

If you get fired, can I have your stapler? If you need help with databases, I suggest you start with Foxpro or Dbase III or something current. Work on those for two years and tell them to shove it if they want you to use SQL.

thebillofbrothers said...

After the corn-ass, I expected a different plug.

The Newsbitch said...

Hey, 'stay classy' is MINE! You rogue, you!

(Okay, so I nicked it off Anchorman - but it's still mine!)

RevRee said...

I got a call today from some guy who wants to meet you. He says he's a producer for the Lifetime Channel (Television for Women) So I gave him your number, I hope you don't mind?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Mod - NOBODY gets my red Swingline, pal.

NB - Watch your tone. I'm running a respectable blog here.

Rev - OK, but I don't want to get typecast in any more wife beater roles.

~ Stacy ~ said...

"Why do they call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere but call it a hemorrhoid when its in your ass?" - Anon

Hey there, Mister Dyckerson, glad to hear your ass is healing nicely. Good luck with the new job on Monday. I can't help with the SQL, but alternatively, you could just bring that bigass book to work with you, and beat everyone over the head with it.

Manola Blablablanik said...

Too much math involved!