7/30/2006

The 80s Are Back!

The last time I wore cargo pants, I was in fucking grade school. The year was 1985, and Mother Dyckerson had purchased her favorite son a pair of gray pants with a ridiculous number of pockets.

"What the fuck is the deal with all the pockets?" I asked my beloved mommy.

"They're cargo pants, you dipshit," she replied. "All the kids are wearing them these days! Now shut your hole and finish waxing my legs!"

God I love that woman. Anyway, fashions changed, my growth spurted, and away went the cargo pants.

Fast forward 20 years, and guess what: The cargo pants are back, and they're better than ever! Hell, the fuckers even come pre-wrinkled nowadays! Man, these kids have it easy. Back in my day, if you wanted wrinkled pants, you had to leave them in the dryer for two...maybe three hours! Lazy bastards are too busy with their MTV and their dirty dancing to properly wrinkle a pair of pants themselves. What's next? Pre-skidmarked jockey shorts??!

Anyway, the cargo pants are back, but I've been hesitating to purchase a pair because I assumed they were targeted more for the 29-and-under crowd. Once you hit 30, there are certain articles of clothing you really shouldn't be wearing. (That's why I finally decided to part with my Underoos last year.) But the cargo pants seem to transcend all age groups. I mean, if a 60-year-old fat guy can wear them to go to the local CVS to purchase his Metamucil, then surely I, Mighty Dyckerson, can wear them to.....go to the local CVS and.....purchase Preparation H.

So yesterday, I finally broke down and bought a pair of cargo pants. Shorts, actually. I went with the popular khaki color. I was going to get the camouflage, but I was afraid I'd never be able to find them - ha, ha. But seriously, now that I have them, all those extra wrinkly pockets frighten and confuse me. So they'll likely stay in the drawer next to my bell-bottom jeans and my really skinny ties. Now if only leisure suits would come back...


18 comments:

flipphead said...

What's next? You gonna buy some parachute pants?

Manola Blablablanik said...

Fool, each pocket is for your Manola Mojo Doll!

jmeped said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
puerileuwaite said...

Just don't Clutch the Cargo in public.

~ Stacy ~ said...

"...but I was afraid I'd never be able to find them..."

[chuckle]

Do you have any idea how adorable this post makes you look right now? Now pull them cargo shorts out of the drawer, put them on, fill them full of goodies, and let's go on a picnic. That's what they're for, you know. It beats carrying a picnic basket. Say, don't forget to pocket the vino and Captain Morgan's. ;)

jmeped said...

You need to find those tidy whities, um er I meant underoos. They too are making a comeback. I think superman is all the rage, anyway go get them put them on under your cargos and we'll play hide and seek in all those pockets.

Mr. Anthrope said...

White patent-leather shoes are back in too and they go well with cargo shorts and black socks. You'll have to peel the chicks off with a spatula.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Manola - I won't even ask.

Stacy - Something tells me I could write a post about butt raping a little kitty in a vat of raw sewage, and you'd still find it adorable.

Jmeped - Sorry, my Underoos were Spiderman.

Mr. Anthrax - I know you're kidding, but that's actually a great look.

Willo Keays said...

you know what's really cool ... the fact that Dyckerson and Anthrope are little internet buddies! Do you plan your play dates so that Anthrope comments on Dycks site one day, and Dyck comments on Ant's the next?

Seriously ... you are two peas in a pod! you should have matching cargo pants, white socks and black socks! top it all off with a floral shirt and one of those Miami vice skinny ties - and you're all set!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I have cargo pants with a cell phone pocket in the back, where my ass would be. You know, the thing I sit down on every day? BRILLIANT!

~ Stacy ~ said...

Perhaps. I suppose you'd have to write that post in order to find out.

RevRee said...

When leisure suits DO come back in to style. Will you put your leisure suits on and do the George Jefferson dance while wearing filming it!? Then send me a copy, that would be HOT!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Willo, that's it. I'm taking back my Blogathon donation.

Noisewater, seems about right. I hear you're always talking out of your ass.

Rev, this isn't the time or the place.

jmeped said...

I too noticed that you and Mr. anthrope love each other more than you love me, you should do a cross over show and eventually a spin off. The new odd couple, and you can wear you leisure suits and he his shoes and socks.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Bite your tongue, lesbian! Have yourself a nice glass of soy milk and relax...

jmeped said...

Fucker. that is all.

James Burnett said...

Hey, flipphead's onto something. I rocked the parachute pants back in the day. They should come back. I still have some fat fluorescent shoelaces to put into my high top kicks - gotta wear those with the parachute pants. My dream of the past 15 years has been to bring back Hammer/Genie pants too.

karla said...

Man. You can tell it's a slow news day when you start prattling on about the pants you're buying. What's next? Hey, Dyk! Tell us what kind of soft drinks are in your fridge!