6/23/2006

Safety First!

I'm sure you've all heard about the recent controversy surrounding MySpace. Seems some tween cyberslut allowed herself to be assaulted by a poor, unsuspecting gentleman she met there. Apparently the little whore gave her address and phone number to this fine, upstanding citizen...one thing led to another...and now the filthy tramp is sueing MySpace for a gazillion dollars. The argument: MySpace has no meaningful security measures to protect underage users. Meanwhile this innocent young man's name is splashed all over the news. So now his life is ruined and his family is publically humiliated, all over a gold digging little tease with too much time on her hands.

Well, as the author of the most popular blog on the Internets, this story certainly got my attention. Billions, if not trillions, of highly desirable women visit The Mighty Blog every day. Many of them come here horny and frustrated by what is lacking in their sex lives. Of course, women aren't the only ones who visit this blog. So what am I, Dyckerson, doing to protect my three male readers from these scores of crazed women??!

Turns out, not nearly enough. Blogger security is a fucking joke - anyone can register using bogus information. So I have no choice to put my own safeguards in place. Therefore, I am asking all of my female readers to submit to a thorough screening process to verify your ages and identities. Ladies, I need each of you to email me IMMEDIATELY with the following three hunks of information:

(1) Two forms of ID - Face it, identity theft is on the rise. Therefore, for your own protection, I must be sure you are who you say you are. At least one form of ID needs to state your age, weight, home address, phone number, and whether or not you own any large breed of vicious dog.

(2) A major credit card - Let's say, in a fit of hormonal rage, you decide to accuse one of my male readers of a sex crime. Surely they will suffer from pain and emotional distress...not to mention those hefty attorney's fees. Why should the guys pay the price? After all, you're the ones who are nuts! So consequently, I shall require you ladies to provide the account number and expiration date of your credit card. I will then make a large purchase on your account. Once the transaction appears on your credit card statement, you will then have 48 hours to tell me the amount of the purchase.

(3) A nude photograph of yourself - I can't have my male readers wasting their time lusting after some she-male transvestite, now can I? Hell no! Therefore, I must personally verify that you do indeed possess a fully functioning vagina. Of course, pictures can be Photoshopped...so as a final measure, you must also sign a consent form to allow random vagina testing. This is where I come to your house unannounced and put your vagina through a battery of tests to confirm your femaleness.

So there you go. With this new procedure in place, it is my hope that The Mighty Blog will continue to be an educational...and safe...place for everyone to enjoy.

Thank you.

19 comments:

Mr. Anthrope said...

You know, to make absolutely sure you have all the possible defensive evidence you might need one day, all female readers should be videotaped having sex with you while shouting affirmations like, "Give it to me daddy" and "yes I want it - this is all consensual."

Indeterminacy said...

It's wonderful what you're doing for your readers - I feel much safer now.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Mr. Anthrax - That's a thought, but I don't think there's enough videotape in the world to accomplish that task.

Indeteriminancancy - I do what I can, my friend. I do what I can.

tfg said...

If you're trying to get me to drop the lawsuit over the fact that this blog is solely responsible for my repeated molestation by pachyderms, it's not going to work.

Anonymous said...

Haley obviously responed to your ad

Marcia said...

I'm so happy you're trying to make the internet a safer place. I don't know what we'd do without you...

Chief Scientist said...

As one of the three male readers duped and exploited by women preying on me via your blog, I hearily endorse the new security measures implemented by Dyckerson.

Any hot chicks who, in addition to Dyckerson's extensive screening process, undergo my physical security inspection before entering my blog from here will also be eligible for my patented "You Looked Hotter On Myspace" t-shirt. In Small and Medium sizes only.

~ Stacy ~ said...

Anything for you, Mister Dyckerson. You're such a thoughtful and considerate man. ;) Although, I must beg your forgiveness, for I've only this one form of ID. Will it suffice?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

It's all in a day's work, Marcia. Nice foot BTW. But unless that photo was taken in 1970, I think it's time to update that flooring.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Stacy - do you have that in poster size???

Beth said...

Will a nude pic of Janet Reno holding her ID and credit card work?

Manola Blablablanik said...

Once again, the inalienable right of 'freedom of slut' goes bad.

Mighty, is not my squirt-toy, boob-pool photo enough to prove I am oozing female?

jmeped said...

Well you have already made me use bleach for things I can't speak of while calling you clown, I'm not going to sue as long as you keep up your obligation to support our bastard clown child and pay the therapist like you said you would.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Beth - Thanks for ruining my appetite...for the rest of my life.

Manola - Not good enough. I need to see the part of you that's underwater.

Jmeped - I swear that kid isn't mine. I want to take a paternity test on Maury.

blog Portland said...

Something tells me that the guy from Myspace and the Mighty Dyck are one in the same.

Jodi said...

I'll get right on that ... maybe not.

AND I'm thinking Blog Portland may be on to something.

All hail the Mighty Vagyna and happy birthday, a day before, you old prick.

Nubian Nerd said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Nubian Nerd said...

Brilliant. Funny. Twisted. Irreverent. Dykerson rules!

Linked here from Rev-ree and I'm glad I did.

Great blog!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Thanks Nerd.

Look everybody! Another satisfied customer!! Tell your friends!!