6/15/2006

MOVING DAY!!!

Ladies and germs, at long last, I have now officially moved into my new estate! The big day was yesterday, and I have never been so fucking tired in my life. Let's get right to it, as there are a number of blogworthy events to cover.....

6:15am: Woke up to the sound of pouring rain. I can already tell this is going to be a great fucking day.

7:00am: Ran to Dunkin Donuts to get some shit for the movers to eat. Held up for 15 minutes by a double-parked dipshit douchebag who couldn't decide which kind of Munchkins he wanted. Problem finally solved by an astute store manager who suggested the Assorted Munchkins.

7:30am: Return home to discover a flat tire on the DyckMobile. Can distinctly hear the sound of God laughing at me.

8:45am: Incoming call: "We be da movers. Where you at?" Spend the next 10 minutes explaining the concept of right and left turns.

8:55am: Movers arrive. There are three, each with clever nicknames. "Dr. Thumbs" introduces himself as the leader, and he wastes no time advising me that if I wish to leave a tip, I should do so with cash. Next is "Cap'n Klutz," who apparently hasn't bathed since the former president of your choice was in office. Finally, there's "Sir Imgonnadropyourshitallovertheplace." I put him in charge of the clothing.

9:37am: Cap'n Klutz drops a deuce in my freshly cleaned commode. Apparently he can't hold his Munchkins.

10:12am: Dr. Thumbs drives me to Pep Boys in his truck so I can get a can of Fix-a-Flat. During the five-minute trip, he smokes approximately 32 cigarettes...but I can't roll down the windows for air because there's a fucking monsoon in progress.

10:50am: The boys play a quick game of dodge ball with my 50" HDTV.

11:20am: The truck is loaded...and so are the movers. We head for the new place.

11:45am: Movers begin bringing in everything - not only furniture, but also about 10 pounds of mud from their shoes.

12:18pm: Dr. Thumbs reminds me for the 93rd time what a great job they're doing with my furniture: "See how careful we droves over here? We didn't break nothin, boss!" (Translation: "Open your wallet, honkey.")

12:55pm: The job is complete. I give each mover a shiny quarter and send them on their way.

12:56pm: I now have four flat tires and a broken windshield.

12:59pm: The rain finally stops. Nice timing, Lord.

2:00pm to 5:00pm: Wait for Comcast goon to show up and connect my service. He never does.

5:48pm: Upon cleaning the kitchen cabinets, I find that the previous owner has left me a gift: Two packets of Kool-Aid mix.

8:30pm: Back to the old place to clean up. Actually, I didn't clean. I just made the place look clean. After all, what the fuck do I care?

12:00am: Collapse into bed. What's that I hear above me? Could that be...yes, I think it is! SILENCE!!!!!!

8 comments:

blog Portland said...

That's some funny shit, and a milestone to boot. This is the first time I have ever laughed at your expense (at least because of The Mighty Blog).

Crimefile said...

It's time for you to put up some Dyckvision video on your blog...

Kool Aide like from Jonestown? Spooky...

Mighty Dyckerson said...

BP - Excellent. My work is done here.

Crimefile - Video, eh? Has possibilities...

tfg said...

You let a mover comission your new toilet?!? That's like letting a stranger name your newborn.

~ Stacy ~ said...

Um... I'm thinking you're related to Murphy too? Eh, nevermind.

Sorry to hear that moving day was such a drag, but hey... the silence has got to be sweet.

Congrats, Mister Dyckerson.

RevRee said...

your schedule is missing something...

Manola Blablablanik said...

As a former gypsy, I know that moving sucks, period. Congrats on getting through this one.

Miss Boobs

minwah said...

congrats on the place!