6/05/2006

I Hate Nice People

To the cunt who found my cell phone on the ground last Friday:

Yeah, I know I lost the damned thing. I was walking around the fake lake at my office park during lunch, and the belt clip must have unclipped itself. It did not take me long to realize this, as I am not a fucking idiot. So I retraced my steps, figuring I would find the missing apparatus and return it to its rightful place near my crotch. Simple enough, right?

WRONG!!! Because YOU, being the "good samaritan," happened to wander by and find it on the ground...and rather than minding your own business and leaving it there, you had to PICK IT UP and TAKE IT WITH YOU. So I spent two hours in the sweltering heat searching for a fucking phone that WASN'T THERE! Then I blew fiddy cent on a pay phone trying to call my cell phone, but YOU DIDN'T ANSWER! Why not, dumbass?? WERE YOU EXPECTING ANOTHER CALL??!!?!?!

Finally I gave up. I figured one of those bastard geese ate the thing, and maybe I'd return tomorrow and find it protruding from one of their many turd piles. So I returned to my office and waited for nature to take its course. But what's this? A new email in my in-box from an employer I interviewed with a few days ago! Could this be a job offer??!

Guess again, Copernicus. Turns out, the bitch had gone into my list of recent calls, found this guy's number, and dialed it! I know, I know. You were only trying to track down the owner. Good for you. Really, I mean it. I'm having a fucking statue erected in your honor. I can just imagine that phone conversation...


Cunt: Um, hi. I'm trying to reach the owner of this cell phone. It was lost today by someone who clearly should not be hired by anyone. Do you have caller ID?

Potential Employer: Yes I do, and I recognize the number as belonging to one Mightonimous J. Dyckerson. I have his resume and email address right here, as he interviewed for a position the other day.

Cunt: How delightful! Could you email him and let him know I'm turning it in to the receptionist at so-and-so's office?

Potential Employer: Absolutely. I admire your honesty. In fact, I'm going to tear up his resume and hire you instead. When can you start?


So thanks a lot, you retarded asshat. Thanks for wasting my time, and thanks for destroying my career. And thanks for not leaving a name with that receptionist, so I could hunt you down and kill you. Oh yeah, that's right. You're just a "good samaritan." You didn't want any recognition, because you're so humble and sweet and kind. Well LISTEN UP, YOU FILTHY WHORE! I am making it my life's mission to find you, and when I do, I'm going to SUE YOUR ASS for EVERYTHING YOU'VE GOT!!! That's right, pain and suffering...emotional distress - YOU NAME IT!!!

Maybe then you'll think twice about trying to help somebody!

21 comments:

Tripe Face said...

Dyck,
That's why I love this blog.

Most people would have just written "I lost my cell phone, someone found for me... thanks!"

But you make it into it's own little story with subplots, clever nicknames and supporting characters.

Such a joy.

But I have a question... if you are too stupid to not lose the phone, you must be too stupid to use it, right?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Thanks Tripe. I'm thinking of developing this post into a screenplay. I would play myself, and Kathy Bates would play the cunt.

Willo Keays said...

Well geez! That's the last time I travel to Dyckersonville to help you!

minwah said...

No - use Heather Mills McCartney as the cunt..and then you can make fun of her missing leg, too! The crippled thing and the cunt thing all in one. At some point, you could even use her prosthetic leg to whip her phone pickin' up ass!!!

And - you could use the phrase "busier than a one legged cunt in an ass kicking contest", which is one of my favorites.

Anonymous said...

jackass

Chris said...

You probably lost it while kicking geese. You really need to break out the 12 gauge and bag your Thanksgiving dinner early.

blog Portland said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
blog Portland said...

I think the real issue here is - What self-respecting man wears his phone on a belt clip. Sure it's slightly mor convenient than putting it in your pocket, but c'mon...

Mighty Dyckerson said...

McFatty, I used to carry it in my pocket, but every time it would vibrate, I'd get a massive spontaneous erection and it would bust a hole in my pants.

RevRee said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Manola Blablablanik said...

I see a soulful romance developing between you and cunt ...

RainStorm1212 said...

But, Dyck, was she HOT????

tfg said...

It could have been worse. She could have called the Herpes Hotline, off your speed dial, to figure out who you are.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Manola - Not gonna happen. You know I'm saving myself for you.

Raino - If she had been hot, this would've been a completely different blog entry...

TFG - I'm not that stupid. I use a fake description for the HH number.

Manola Blablablanik said...

Mighty, you never know, some day you might love a woman who doesn't piss you off ... gosh, am I being too nice? :-)

karla said...

That's happened to me before. Actually, I just set a little zippered makeup bag of mine down in my gym, rather than losing it, and a Cunt Samaritan must have been crouched behind the ab bench 3 feet away waiting to spring on it the moment I stepped away, because I literally walked away for 2 minutes before coming back and finding it missing, although my water bottle and towel were still right there. A bystander told me a Cunt Samaritan had picked the bag up and taken it to the trainer's desk, after opening it and discovering that there was nothing in it except hair ties and bobby pins. But the question is, once she discovered it was not, in fact, loaded with gold bullion and priceless family heirlooms, why didn't she just set it back down? Why traipse over to the trainer's desk with this tiny bag obviously worth about 14 cents? My guess is she's blown a lot of married men in her life, and now she's trying to "good deed" her way into heaven, and she figured this was a good enough deed to inch her a little closer to her goal. I say she's still going to hell because this doesn't qualify as a good deed, if for no other reason than the fact that she left the water bottle there, in spite of the fact that it was probably worth twice as much as the zippered bag.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Dammit Karla, you have out-babbled me once again!

Next time you see that cunt in the gym, fill your zippered bag with anthrax and leave it unattended for five seconds. That'll teach that homewrecking whore a lesson.

karla said...

I am always loathe to part with any of my stash of anthrax, but you may be right that this situation would warrant the sacrifice.

Anonymous said...

Hallo I absolutely adore your site. You have beautiful graphics I have ever seen.
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Malnurtured Snay said...

did you get that job, though?

Anonymous said...

OMG thats the funniest thing I have ever read on the internet! Kind of reminds me of Christian Bale...I cant imagine why...Thanks for making my day, actually...my year XD