6/07/2006

I Am Diseased

It's not cancer. It's not AIDS. It's not even syphilis. It's something far, far worse, Dyck lovers.

The disease I have is called Intermittent Explosive Disorder, or IED. This is not to be confused with Intermittent Explosive Diarrhea, which I also have. But that's not really a disease. It's more of a lifestyle choice. No, IED is a real disease...and it has been plagueing me ever since I read about it yesterday on USA Today.

IED is a chemical imbalance in the brain that causes its victims to...well, to get pissed off a lot. One of the symptoms of IED is temper outbursts that involve throwing or breaking objects. According to the research, the average number of lifetime outbursts per person with IED is 43. People, I've had over 400 outbursts...and that's just TODAY! In fact, in the time it will take me to finish this post, I will have broken seven priceless Faberge eggs!

Another symptom of IED is road rage. You know that feeling you get when you're cut off by a blind drunk driver who's talking on his cell phone while doing 90 in a school zone during a blizzard? Turns out he's not the problem! YOU ARE!!! You need to get yourself some help IMMEDIATELY!!!

The third symptom of IED is spousal abuse. This one really hits home for me. I can't tell you how many times my internet wife RevRee has beaten the shit out of me for leaving the toilet seat up. So yes, I definitely suffer from spousal abuse.

So what's the cure? Sadly, there is none. Medication and therapy only help to ease the symptoms. The key is really education and awareness. That's why I have taken it upon myself to start the Mighty Dyckerson Intermittent Explosive Disorder Foundation. We are in dire need of funds, so I hope you will consider making a cash donation today. You can be assured that nearly 100 cents of every dollar you contribute will go directly toward replacing my priceless Faberge egg collection. Your generosity is greatly appreciated.

Now HURRY THE FUCK UP AND SEND ME YOUR DAMN MONEY, YOU STUPID BASTARDS!!!






7 comments:

Chris said...

Here I go thinking Malcolm Forbes was dead all along and he's actually masquerading as an angry dwarf with a blog. Hey Malcolm, how sackless do you have to be to spawn Steve Forbes and own half the worlds Faberge egg collection?

I'm thinking pretty sackless.

Manola Blablablanik said...

You crack me up, egg man!

~ Stacy ~ said...

I'm thinking I had a couple episodes of IED myself, today.

So where's your Paypal link? I'll donate a hundred cents, or a portion thereof... Lemme check the coffee can. We can't have the Mighty Dyckerson known as being Fabergeless.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Chris - Did I mention they were erotic Faberge eggs???

Manola - I bet you say that to all the IED victims you know.

Stacy - Just wire it to my Swiss bank account.

tfg said...

Careful, Dyck. When those erotic Faberge eggs turn sideways, you're guaranteed another humiliating trip to the emergency room. Or, so I'm told.

RevRee said...

"...I can't tell you how many times my internet wife RevRee has beaten the shit out of me for leaving the toilet seat up. So yes, I definitely suffer from spousal abuse."

I do it out of love, Dyck...sometimes it's the only way.

Spill The Beans said...

I've had that disease for years. Just ask my ex-husband.