Give 'Til It Hurts

A couple of weeks ago, Bill Gates announced he was stepping down as C.E.G. (Chief Executive Geek) of Microsoft. He said he wants to concentrate his time and effort on his bullshit charity, imaginatively named the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. The foundation, which currently has approximately 980 gazillion dollars in its name, has one mission: To provide poor folk in Third World countries with oversized glasses and bad haircuts.
Fine, I thought. You go do that, Billy boy. It's not like any of OUR PEOPLE need any help. So go take care of all those poor bastards overseas. Maybe you can get them jobs as phone operators in Microsoft's tech support department...

Dyckerson (to Microsoft tech support): "Yeah, I just downloaded the latest patch for Windows XP, and now my computer is frozen."
Tech Support Flunkie: "No comprendo la Anglais, s'il vous plait."
Tech Support Flunkie: "Try rebooting, you stupid Capitalist cocksucker."

Anyway, two weeks go by. And then singer Warren Buffett announces he's giving 500 trillion dollars of his own money to the poor and needy Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. ("500 trillion dollars?", I thought. "Damn, he sure made a lot of scratch off that Margaritaville song!")

I definitely see a trend developing. Suddenly, the "in" thing to do is to retire and give away all your money to charity. For this reason, it gives me great pleasure to announce that effective today, I am stepping down as President of Dyckerson Enterprises Worldwide and forming my own foundation, the Mighty Dyckerson Foundation.

How will M.D.F. be different from these other trendy so-called foundations, you ask? Simple. At M.D.F., we believe charity begins at home. Did you know that right now in this country, there are over 100,000 flat-chested women who can't afford the breast implants they so urgently need? Or that over 1/3 of men with Erectile Dysfunction don't have the money to fill their Viagra prescriptions? And think of the children. The children born to low-income families, who can't afford to buy any porn! Where else are they going to learn about sex? Their parents??!

There is much work to be done, people. But unlike Billy Gates or Margaritaville boy, I'm not donating my own money. Come on, I'm not fucking stupid. No, the money needs to come from YOU, America. So whether you are a wealthy C.E.O. with more coin than the Franklin Mint...or just a drunken slob living in a roach-infested trailer...GIVE. Give all that you have. Then steal from your neighbors and give me that too.

And while M.D.F. is not currently recognized by the I.R.S. as a charitable organization, for every donation of over one million dollars, I will personally send a press release announcing your gift to every major media outlet in the country. You'll be admired and adored by everyone! You'll be interviewed Anderson Cooper and Rita Cosby! And guys, who knows...you may even score a blowjob from Angelina Jolie!


jmeped said...

This is what you did for your birthday? I thought for sure you would have some post about the wild and crazy night you imagined you had. As for your donation, see if you can get cash for those mcdonalds bucks. Besides charity does start at home. When clown jr. starts seeing some support for his porn fund we'll talk.

Mr. Anthrope said...

Margaritaville? No, I think you have the wrong guy. I'm pretty sure Warren was Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, as seen here.

Mr. Anthrope said...

Holy shit! What are the chances TWO people have stumbled upon both your blog and the secret to success today?! It must be a sign from the gods. I am so signing up for this shit!

jmeped said...

The next thing you know people are going to stumble across your blog and hope you "might find my blog of interest" and you can attend a real college instead of the ronald mcdonald university. Where have you been anyway? I have the urge to do some laundry.

tfg said...

What's second prize? Two hummers from Angela Jolie?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Dipshit motherfucking spammers. If anybody is going to con my readers out of their money, it's going to be me.

Jmeped - My attorneys have advised me not to discuss details of last night's festivities while the case is still pending. However, my attorneys said nothing about me violating you during the spin cycle!

Mr. Anthrax - My mistake.

TFG - Sorry, the two hummers come from Star Jones.

~ Stacy ~ said...

Okay, so the guys might get a blowjob from Angelina Jolie, but I'm a female, and as tempting as she is, I'd rather fondle your BIG clown nose as my thank you gift.

So, fuck the press release, Mister Dyckerson. I want a Mighty Dyck for my million dollar donation. Would you consider changing the policies of M.D.F. to accomodate my request... please? ;)

RevRee said...

I hope you plan on sending Dyck Jr. to a real school this year, with some of that charity money. I refuse to home school him again!

Manola Blablablanik said...

Mighty, save some dollar bills. They might come in handy when I need to wipe my mouth. OOOOOOOH!

Anonymous said...

Take that pic of the whore off your blog!


blog Portland said...

If only your charity had been around when I was younger and too poor for porn, maybe I wouldn't have been forced to masturbate to the bra section of the JC penny's catalog.