6/19/2006

Buyer's Remorse

Why did you idiots let me buy this townhouse? Seriously, I thought you morons were my fake friends. Seems like at least one of you buttfuckers would've stepped forward and said "Dyckerson, don't do it!" But no. Instead, all of you pricklickers just sat there and laughed your asses off as I poured all the equity from my condo into this money pit.

Now don't get me wrong. I love the place. I really do. I mean, sure the mortgage payments are higher, and I'm facing unemployment in a few months. And yeah, the A/C isn't cooling the second floor worth a shit. And I can only launder one garment at a time in the compact stackable washer/dryer. And the windows are a pain in the ass to open and close. And the refrigerator door opens on the wrong side. And there are no ceiling fans or light fixtures in any of the main rooms. And the tile in the foyer and bathroom are going to be a bitch to keep clean. And I think gas from the stove is leaking. And at night, I hear strange noises coming from the attic. Other than that, I'm quite happy with it. It's just that I'd be much happier if I could make about $10,000 worth of improvements to the joint.

So FUCK ALL OF YOU. Fuck you with a splintery broomstick. And get the hell off my blog THIS INSTANT and DO NOT EVER RETURN. I don't ever want to talk to you mothersuckers again. And if I find any of you ballnibblers sneaking back here, I will KILL YOU TO DEATH.

Now could somebody spot me a few bucks til payday?

22 comments:

The Dude said...

Your pain is my drug.

~ stacy ~ said...

Mmmm...

Damn me, but you're incredibly sexy right now!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Stacy, get over here, bitch! You've been a bad girl, and I'm going to spank the shit out of you!

(How was that?)

blog Portland said...

If only I could bottle your tears, I would drink them like Gatorade, and it would sustain me.

Manola Blablablanik said...

Will it help if I come over and help you clean that floor in my french maid outfit?

jmeped said...

HA HA! I said, HA. Who told you that was a good idea? Well, now I am here, your pretend friend and I will tell you the truth, your a dumb ass, if I knew where to find you I would console you and do your laundry, the whole load.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

McFatty - Actually, tears are salty, like ocean water...so you'd probably end up dehydrating yourself. However, you could fill a bathtub with my tears and bathe with them if you'd like.

Manola - Wouldn't hurt!

Jmepeeddememeedememe - Who the fuck are you?

jmeped said...

Just a little scared of you, clown. I offered to do your laundry, why so nasty.

RevRee said...

Dyckerson, this is not the time or place. Go to our room, NOW!!!!

Kellli said...

I do remember "that weekend" slapping you around and repeatedly calling you a dumbass. Check the video. Im sure it's on there.
No prob. with the masterbation rooms I'm assuming

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Forgive me, jmeped. After seeing the picture on your blog, I'd like to do you on top of my washer!!

Manola Blablablanik said...

Gosh Mighty, you got me doin' your floors and some other cutie scrubbing the washboard ... what you running there, a plantation?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Hush, Manola! There's cotton to be picked!

RevRee said...

Half of me is offended

jmeped said...

Good morning clown, I will only get on your washer if it is as unbalanced as you are. It makes the spin cycle more fun.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Rev - This isn't the time or the place.

Jmeped - Don't worry, I sawed off one of the legs to make it unbalanced. Now get over here - I have a load with your name on it!

jmeped said...

I'll bring the bleach.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Marry me.

Willo Keays said...

Did someone call?

Didn't you have the town house inspected BEFORE you signed the contract?

Tripe Face said...

Anyone who buys a home deserves it.

I've had mine for six years and I promise it's in worse shape than the Dyck manse!

Tripe

jmeped said...

Only if you promise that when you "finish" it's silly string.

~ Stacy ~ said...

"Stacy, get over here, bitch! You've been a bad girl, and I'm going to spank the shit out of you!"

(How was that?)


Sinfully erotic, yet purrrfectly delightful, Mister Dyckerson. I do believe I need to throw my damp panties in with your wash now.