5/02/2006

A Trip to the Dentist

Today I went to the dentist for a checkup. Every ten years or so, I try to get my teeth cleansed and examined by one of Dyckersonville's fine dentistry experts. Well, I missed my appointment in '96 due to a conflict I had with my masseuse, and I've been using my toothbrush to clean the grout in my bathroom tile...so needless to say my teeth had grown a bit grungy.

When I arrived at the office, they were actually waiting for me. This is not a good sign. The waiting room is for the patients, not the staff. I want a dentist who's up to his tonsils in other people's tonsils. A dentist who is so fucking busy, I can't get in to see him until I've read last September's issue of Highlights cover-to-cover at least seven times.

So they escorted me back to Room Number B, which I've always preferred because the saliva suction tube thingy has greater sucking power. I remember one time they stuck that thing in my mouth, I clamped down on it, and up came the penny I swallowed when I was six years old. (God, I wish my pretend wife could suck like that.) But unfortunately, today the suction tube was broken, so they were collecting the spittle with the hose attachment on a Hoover upright.

As I waited in the chair for the dental hygienist to arrive, I inspected the Tray of Pain. That's my name for the container that holds the hammer, chisel, rusty miniature pick axes, and Sears Craftsman power drill. Are these people cleaning teeth or building a log cabin? I mean, we've been an industrialized society for what, 200 years? Yet they haven't found a better way to remove plaque than to scrape it off with a metal one-pronged fork?

Then she walked in: the woman of my dreams. She was young, blonde, petite, and built like a set of high-end dentures. And from the moment our eyes met, I knew this was going to be no ordinary checkup.

She parked her firm, apple shaped hiney in the stool and got down to business. "Hi Dyckerson, my name is Ginger. Ginger Vitis. I understand you'd like a little...oral care," she said with a wink as she slowly lowered my chair. I nodded with a smile. "My, what beautiful teeth you have," she commented. "The better to eat you with, my dear," I replied.

It took her three or four hours to scrape away the layers of plaque, film, and mold that had built up on my molars and bicuspids. Finally Ginger removed the tools and inserted the suction device. "Here baby, suck on this," she ordered. I gladly obeyed. Then she bent over and whispered in my ear, "You look like you could use a good flossing." I reached up to her face, pulled down her mask, and said, "OK, but you have to use your pubes!"

Ginger smiled, her eyes lit up, and before I knew it, she was on top of me, riding me like the Tooth Fairy on Santa Claus. Then she paused, reached over to the Tray of Pain, and produced an electric toothbrush. "You know, these can be used for other things," she said. Taking her cue, I grabbed the instrument from her hand and screamed, "Open wide, bitch!" She did, and before I knew it, I was filling her cavity with...

(THE REMAINDER OF THIS PARAGRAPH CENSORED BY THE AMERICAN DENTAL ASSOCIATION)

So as Ginger buttoned her blouse, I asked her when I should set my next appointment. She said, "How about tomorrow night, at my place?" I zipped up my pants and asked, "Do I get to be on top this time?" She blew me a kiss and replied, "You know, four out of five dental hygienists like it in the ass!"

I'm thinking about volunteering for elective root canal surgery next week.

13 comments:

minwah said...

Yeah - my dentist is always trying to floss my teeth with his penis....but it's too small to scrape both teeth at the same time, so it takes FOREVER.....

Chief Scientist said...

I got blown by your pretend wife and she sucked good and proper. Now, you hadn't trained her very well, I agree.

I had to explain to her, "Dear, BLOW is just the term." But once we got past that she was fine.

tfg said...

I've always felt that the worst part of going to the dentist is the hernia exam. Particularly when he videotapes it.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Gee Minwah, your teeth must be spread pretty far apart!

Mod, I hope you enjoy the genital warts she gave you. They came from me.

TFG, who uses videotape in this day and time? I'd switch to a dentist who has gone digital.

RevRee said...

I feel violated, offended and a bit turned on all at the same time...

tfg said...

My company's insurance plan doesn't cover digital. Except for the free smocks, working at Walmart kind of sucks.

Chief Scientist said...

Those were warts? Lyin' bitch said they were those Cindy Crawford-type beauty marks. You need to marry a higher class of Thai hooker next time.

Jodi said...

You have all the luck. I usually get Hal. Hal Itosis. He's dreadful.

Do you get a discount if you bang the hygienist?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

No discount, Julie. But I did get a free Listerine sample to gargle with (and boy did I need it...I don't think Ginger had douched in a long time).

Jodi said...

Douching is bad. They have other things to take the unpleasantness away though. You should educate her. I didn't get any free Listerine ... just a toothbrush and some floss. This makes me sad.

Chris said...

Come on, she was a Lucille Ball redhead and not an ounce under a buck eighty five.

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